Good Enough(20)

“Vodka, Southern Comfort, Amaretto, Triple Sec, Sloe Gin, and cranberry juice.” He tells me.

“Oh God! That’s all you. I’m going to get a Rum and Coke. You guys want anything?”

They shake their heads no, and off I go to see Mark. I do my best to squeeze up to the bar so Mark can see me but I’m not going to be pushy or annoying like I’ve seen other bar patrons be. Mark is good to us. I refuse to be rude. Once he sees me he reaches over the bar and gives me a quick hug and kiss on the cheek.

“Hiya sweetie! Rum and coke?”

“You know it!”

“Coming up.”

“Thanks Mark.”

I toss my money on the bar already knowing the cost with a little extra for him.

“Here you go sweetie. With a lime.”

“You know me so well.” I say with a wink.

“Keep your money. First one is on me. You know that.” He insists.

“You’re the best Mark. I’ll be back soon.”

Heading back to Jameson and David I’m itchin’ to play a game of pool myself.

“I call winner!” I shout.

“I can already tell you that is gonna be Jameson. He’s kicking my ass on this one.”

“I ain’t scared of him.” I say jokingly.

“Oh, so the ‘Queen of Cut’ is talkin’ trash!” Jameson implies.

“The Queen of Cut?” David asks.

“Yeah. Watch this chick. A straight shot she might miss but if it’s the most fucked up shot that has to be cut in, she could do it with her eyes closed.”

“I assume it’s my fucked up Polish blood?”

Jameson and I have spent so much time here lately I’ve become better and better at playing pool. My dad taught me how to play when I was ten. His friend Mickey from high school had a pool table, and when we went for dinner, he and my dad would always play. When anyone needed a break they would let me fill in, but I hadn’t played in years when Jameson first invited me here. I wish I had more strength when it comes to the initial break but I’ll take my awesome skills at cutting in.

Throughout the night Jameson’s phone rings a few times. Each time he walks away to talk to whoever it is. It makes me uneasy for some reason because when he comes back he acts as if nothing happened. The third time, David asks him who keeps calling. I don’t think he asked because he wanted to know. I think he asked because he could see the unease on my face each time Jameson walked away and returned without an explanation.

“Oh, um... it’s just Gloria asking about plans for tomorrow.” Jameson answers.

I immediately drop my head, upset at his response. Why did he keep those phone calls so secretive?

Here comes self-conscious Hillary.

After that, I keep quiet for most of the night. I’m not even sure if Jameson notices. He seems to be enjoying playing pool and drinking with David.

“What do you say bro, one more game and head out? It’s getting late and we have to get up early.” Jameson asks David.

“Yeah, that’s cool. Hillary do you want to play one more?”

“No thanks. I’m good.” I say with a fake smile.

I go to the ladies room before the thirty-minute drive home because I won’t be able to hold it. As I’m washing my hands I look up in the mirror and I start to tear up. I think all the things I’ve overheard my mother and even sometimes my father and brother say about me.

You’re not tall enough.

You’re not thin enough.

You’re not smart enough.

You’re not good enough…

I can’t compete with Gloria. I won’t compete. I won’t put myself through that. I deserve more. I wipe my eyes, freshen up my lips and walk out. Straight across the room I can see Jameson and David packing up, ready to go.

I follow them up to the front counter to pay the bill, humming along to the jukebox playing “Bent” by Matchbox Twenty. That’s how I feel right now… Bent.

Without even a look over their shoulders to see if I’m following Jameson and David walk out the door. The chilly night air assaults my exposed skin. I shake my head in irritation and stalk towards my car. Jameson unlocks his door. It seems like he’s just going to get in without a word, a hug, a kiss, nothing. Since David is the passenger and I’m parked right next to them he’s right next to me so he hugs me good-bye. I unlock my car and get in, turn on the ignition and start to back up.

Bang!

Jameson hits his hand on my window. Startled I slam on my brakes, and the car rocks with the sudden stop.

“Holy shit! What the fuck was that for?” I shout at him

“Were you seriously gonna leave without saying goodbye to me?” He yells.

“You were getting in your car. I thought you were leaving. You didn’t say anything to me, so I just assumed.”