Forever Light(59)

Cash looks at me, really looks at me for the first since the accident. He sees that things will never be the same for any of us, especially for me. He sees the blame I’m holding on my shoulders. “It’s never gonna be the same, man.” I say then bring the beer to my lips.

“I know.”

Does he really know? Will he ever? I don’t think he’ll ever see it from my point of view. I have Steven’s death on my hands. “Do you?”

I see Cash’s face getting redder. He’s pissed that I’m challenging him. “You have so much goddamn God-given talent but you waste it! You fucking waste it because you’re depressed. Yeah, I get it, I was there too. But the eighty percent you play at is better than most who give one hundred percent. If you put forth the effort you do into forgetting, you could go pro and probably be a number one draft pick.”

I nod because what he said is the truth.

“Earn it. Being like this is a slap in the fucking face to him. He died. You lived. What good did it do that you were saved and you’re living like this? What do you think he’d say about that?”

Steven would be slapping me upside my head every day for giving into the depression, the guilt. He wouldn’t let me give into it. He’d make me fight; he’d make me see it from his side of it. Cash and I both know this but I want to know what he would do.

“What would you do if it was you?” I want to know if it was him acting crazy what he would be doing right here, right now.

“I would do what I do now. Live my life because dwelling on it doesn’t rewrite history. It happened. We can’t take it back.”

Landon thinks about it for a half a second. “Why do you hold on to the past with Madison then?”

“I have no idea.” Cash answers. “I guess I do because I want to.” He looks out to the field. “There are parts of our lives we can’t change, Landon. I know that seems like I’m being hypocritical, but second chances don’t happen often. I’m still holding out for my second chance with her. Hell, I still want to finish my first chance. We were robbed of that opportunity, it was stolen from us.”

“But you’re not together.”

“I know. But it doesn’t stop me from wanting that chance at forever with her again.”

Cash and I stand in complete silence but it’s the good silence. The kind that doesn’t need to be filled. Maybe today is the day that Cash and I can start to be friends again. Maybe one more tragedy is what it’s going to take to bring us full circle, back to where we all belong.





After I finish my beer with Cash I leave him to go Alexa’s house. I know it’s probably bad timing since she told me this morning she hated me but what I have to say can’t wait.

I knock on Alexa’s door, tuck my hands in my front pockets, and wait. I knock again after a few second and wait. I know she’s there, she’s in her room, the light is on. I wait another second before I turn and start to walk away.

“Landon?” Alexa says stopping me.

I turn, her face is blotchy and tear stained. I walk right up to her and wrap my arms around her not caring if she tries to hit me again. She needs this hug just as much as I do.

“I’m sorry.” I say. I don’t know if she heard me over her sobbing but I’ll say it a million times if I have to.

“Landon,” She says with a shudder. “I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to stop this shit that you’re doing. I want you to be my Landon who always makes me laugh, the Landon who always knew how to draw a crowd and make himself look like a fool but yet had every girl after him. I want the Landon who never took anything serious. I just want you back. I need you, Landon. My life is so fucked up and nothing makes me even crack a smile because I know Steven isn’t here to make that happen.” She rests her head on my chest with her arms wrapped around me. “You’re the only other one who makes me forget what happened.”

“Alexa,” I close my eyes briefly. “I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t mean to cause the accident. If I could change places with Steven I would. I’d do it in a heartbeat. He deserves to be here, not me.”

Alexa shoves me away. “Landon,” she yells. “Do not say that. You do deserve to be here and so does he but he’s not. You. Are. Start living your life. It’s what he would want.”

I shake my head, she’s wrong I don’t deserve to be here. “I miss him.”

She gives me a sad smiles and tears fall from her eyes. “Me too, Landon. Me too.”

I reach over and wipe the tears from Alexa’s eyes and then cup her face. “I’m sorry to you to for not being there for you. I thought you hated me and thought it was best to just stay away.”