Forever Dark(31)

Landon laughs pushing the pizza box away. “I can’t believe I ate two pizzas.”

“Me either.” I pick through his pieces of crust he never eats and nibble on one. My stomach rolls when I take the first bite. My body isn’t craving food. It’s craving numbness.

Leaning over I reach inside my nightstand for the joint I have in there. Landon watches me carefully as I light it.

All’s quiet for a moment when Landon sighs and reaches for his beer. “Which time?”

“What?” I look over at him tossing the crust back in the box.

“You asked if I remembered the time we made out. We’ve done it more than once.” He points out taking the joint from me. “Which time?”

“The time we were sober. I think we were studying for our world literature mid-term.”

“Yeah, I remember. Freshman year, right?” He smiles bringing the joint to his lips but doesn’t inhale yet. “I felt like I was kissing my sister, if I had one.”

“Uh, thanks.” I tease kicking at his legs that he has hanging over the side of my bed. He laughs, his chest shaking with the motion. It makes me laugh because let’s face it, Landon Hayes doesn’t laugh very often anymore. I can count the number of times I’ve heard him laugh out loud. And every time, it’s made me laugh too.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s okay. No offense taken.” But then I wonder. “Would you have continued if Alexa hadn’t knocked on the door?”

Landon takes a moment to think about that. He never lies. And he never pretends he’s anything but what he is. I like that about him. I know if he gives me an answer, it’s his honest take on the situation. “Yeah. I probably would have tried to fuck you. I wasn’t thinking right then. At all. And for some reason I thought you would be the answer. I don’t know why, but I remember being upset that we were interrupted.”

I take the joint back and inhale. Landon knows exactly what I’m feeling right then. He always does.

Landon shakes his head, his eyes wander to mine. “You’re not a bad person, Madison. But you’re not mine. I shouldn’t have pushed the issue that night.”

“I’m not anybody’s, Landon.”

“Yes, you are. You’re Cash’s girl whether you see it or not.”

“I haven’t been Cash’s girl since that night.”

“You know, he’s never with any other girl. Ever. Even the cheerleaders. Never touches them.”

A gasp escapes me as I look at Landon’s face. For some reason I’m relieved. Though I know I have absolutely no say in anything Cash does, it’s a refreshing to know he’s not interested in anyone. Especially girls like Amber or Bethany, two cheerleaders I know are obsessed with him. I don’t know what I’ll do, and I know the day is coming, when he’s with someone else.

Landon’s quiet beside me and I wonder if he’s fallen asleep when I look over at him. His eyes are on his beer. He’s concentrating, deep in thought with the way his brow is scrunched. “Would you have let me?”

“Let you fuck me?”

“Jesus…” he laughs again, his head bopping to the song that’s playing on my phone. “You’re so fucking crass.”

“So…” I shrug, the mood lightening up as we pass the joint back and forth.

“Answer it.”

“Answer what?”

“Stop avoiding the question.” Landon looks at me, his expression completely serious as he draws his eyebrows together, piercing blue eyes that beg for an answer. “Would you have let me?”

It’s my turn to think. “I probably would have let you stick it in.” I smiled when he shook his head. “But then I would have stopped you.”

“Oh man,” his head falls back against the wall with a thud, “that would have totally sucked for me.”

We’re quiet after that. Landon concentrates on his phone, and then looks at me.

“Why do you feel like you can’t talk to Cash?”

I think about his question. I don’t like the question one bit. I don’t want to answer it either.

But I do because it’s Landon asking.

“It’s not that I don’t feel I can’t. He would listen if I asked him to. It’s just that he doesn’t need my shit in his life. He’s always so focused and I feel like he’s trying to fix me. If he knew how bad it really was, how often I think about… well… he would do something to fix that. He doesn’t need my shit.”

In my mind, I’m right. It’s not fair for me to push my burdens on Cash. There’s also a part of Landon that understands that. It’s exactly how he feels about my sister. He’s never felt like he’s good enough for Macy. In some ways, he’s not.