Forever Dark(27)

“What?” she asks, her breath hitting my skin. It sends shivers through my chest.

“You.” Pulling back, I watch her reaction feeling her chest heaving against mine. I can feel the beat in hers thumping wildly against mine. “What are you doing to me?”

She hesitates to answer.

I curve an eyebrow at her, she stops moving.

Nothing.

She gives nothing.

And then she lets go of me and turns away leaving me standing there.

I don’t wait around to see anything. What I do see is that she’s dying inside and I’m going fucking insane. She’s trying to be brave when all she’ll ever be is bent.

The fact that she’s here, and he is too, pisses me off.

I say goodbye to Macy and head for the door. As soon as I’m outside, Amber’s there. She’s a cheerleader I mess around with sometimes. Nothing too much, just kissing and shit. I’ve felt her up a few times but I’ve never actually went through with anything. That’s my problem. I have opportunities. I could have any girl I wanted in this school but yet I’m hooked on the broken one. The one who makes me believe there might be more someday, like there used to be.

She stares at me, waiting to see what I’m going to do. Girls like Amber, they’re only looking for one thing. They smile too easily, flirt too much and spread their legs with their fake little moans.

Despite that, I take a step her direction. She kisses my neck and leans into me. “Come back to my dorm, Cash.” She breathes, her soft breath hitting my heated skin.

“You want me?” I ask, my voice low and hoarse. She blushes thinking I’m flirting. She thinks I care about her.

I allow her lips to find mine and push her up against a car in the street. I’m still worked up from Madison and it’s easy to pretend that it’s her in the darkness of the night. It’s easy to imagine.

Amber won’t shut the fuck up though and moans when she feels my erection and starts grinding against it. The warmth of being between her legs feels good but that’s about all. Everything else makes my skin crawl because it’s all wrong. Her mouth doesn’t taste the same and her eyes hold nothing. I squeeze my eyes shut trying to ignore it but when she starts giggling, I can’t take it.

I push back a little, apologize and tell her not tonight. I do this every time. I should go to her dorm. I should fuck her like she wants, give her the side of me these fucking other girls are begging to see but I don’t and it makes me insane that I’m this way.

Amber laughs at me. “Really, Cash?”

I don’t look at her. “I can’t.”

She rolls her eyes straightening out her skirt. “Yeah, I know. You never can because you’re screwing that coked-out whore.” I still don’t look at her as I pull away completely creating about five feet of distance. I don’t like what she’s getting at and it pisses me off.

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

I turn and walk away.

When I’m back in my dorm, I stand at the sink with the water running. When it’s cold enough, I splash the water over my face and then stare at myself in the mirror wondering what the fuck my problem is. I could have Amber if I wanted her, could have had her over and over again. Yet, Madison is the only one on my mind. She’s playing around with my psyche more and more lately and I think it’s because deep down I know.

I know exactly what she’s doing to herself and I know that I’m the only one who can help her. Doing anything more with any other girl is no different than cheating in my mind. Cheating on this undefined relationship that we still have.

Being a Humanities major, I read this quote by Plato the other day in my Philosophy class and this jumble of feelings I have for Madison literally jumped up and started screaming at me when I saw this.

“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.”

Yeah, that’s where we are right now. Everyone’s afraid of the dark at some point in his or her life but when we get stuck in the dark, afraid to emerge back into the light of fucking life in general, that’s the shit we are dealing with now. This is why I can’t leave her alone, she needs me as much as I need her. We can walk out of these fucking shadows we’ve been living under for three years and come back into the land of the living…at least, I hope and pray we can.



October 12, 2013



I like playing in Seattle. I love home games but playing on the road makes me feel like I’m going somewhere. Like I have more to offer than just college ball. Sounds crazy but that’s me.

I sit next to Saylor on the bus and use his shoulder to get some sleep. He lets me until I drool a little down his shirt sleeve. Although on the ride up to Seattle, I’m not sleeping. I was with Madison this morning and I can’t forget the way she was looking at me. It made me feel like she was begging me for something. More than what I provide.