Forever Dark(25)

You up?

And she replies within minutes, like she’s waiting. It’s early and I can’t sleep so I shower and head over to her dorm. I knock lightly, twice, and she opens the door. No questions asked. She grabs my hand, warm fingers wrapping around mine leading me to her bed.

She’s high, I can tell that right away, her face is blank. Still, there’s some emotion there. And her heart’s beating against my chest.

I reach below her night shirt and feel that she’s bare and ready. “No panties?”

She laughs bringing my mouth to hers, her expression cracking with a small smile. “Seemed like a waste of time.”

I laugh quietly, trying not to wake her roommate and kiss her neck. “Mmhmm…”

She fucks so good. I can’t get enough. I’m gripping sheets and whispering dirty words to her.

I roll on my back bringing her on top of me. It’s not easy on a twin bed but I’m too far gone. This is the third time this week I’ve come to her room at three in the morning. Undefined, we keep up what we know works with each other.

I try so fucking hard to act indifferent when I see her at school. That’s how this works with us but it’s certainly not how I feel. I feel everything when I’m around her.

Truth is, I’d do anything to bring the light back to those eyes. I stare down at her, our bodies pressed together there’s no space between us. My hands around her neck, but she’s never telling me to stop.

She says nothing.

Nothing.

She wants to see my reaction to nothing too. She wants to know there’s a place in my heart for her. There is and there always will be.

Sometimes when I’m with her and she’ll look at me. In that moment I think she forgets what happened and all she sees is that I’m that boy who’s never left her side. In some ways, I have. In others I come back and she sees that.

She needs it.

She knows what she’s putting me through.

Hell.

She knows that I would do anything to make her better. And for a fraction of a second, there’s this look.

It’s what I breathe for.

It’s a light I can never bring myself to shut off. It’s why we have these blue lit mornings. They’re not dark. They’re not light. They’re the best of both of us.

I think she knows I’m looking for something, an indication that she feels something more.

“Don’t love me…” It’s a whisper that falls from her lips and maybe I’m not meant to hear it, but I do. Her words are like a punch to the chest, a sack that leaves me gasping for air. My body trembles as I come, shaking below her.

We finish and the release gives me nothing but release. It leaves me unstable and at her mercy. I don’t like either.

My mind is on the after. The goodbye that never happens. It just hangs there. My chest feels heavy, like she stabbed me with the way she’s looking at me and slowly, just like her, I’m bleeding life. My heart may beat but it’s beating for her. These moments.

In the moonlight, her eyes catch mine and I see the tears streaming down her face. Without saying anything, I kiss her forehead and leave. She doesn’t want me to stay. She never does. If I stay the tears are worse.

When I breathe, darkness suffocates me.

Some people can’t help being sad. Then there’s some who want to be happy, like Madison, but something inside them forces them not to be. Shoves them to the edge of darkness that lurks in the corners waiting to destroy their light.

That’s what happened to Madison. She was pushed.

Being sad doesn’t just happen either.

Neither does depression.

You can’t ignore it. It won’t let you. It’s in your words, your will and your unwavering control. It stays there, infecting you until it takes over and consumes you.

I know because I know the girl who’s being destroyed by it.



September 28, 2013



“Ready?” Saylor’s watching me, waiting for an answer. We’re half way through the fourth quarter and he knows I am, he’s just checking. I nod and we move into line.

As I wait for the snap, my heart pounds rapidly in anticipation, my mind working to strategize and see the play before it happens. I clap my hands, the ball snaps and I spot Landon mid-field but he’s tied up with a defender. I fake to the left and then spin around to the right and throw across field to Jet. He doesn’t gain any ground and is tackled at the ten yard line.

I have two options at this point. I can run the play myself or throw the ball.

I run the ball myself, stiff arm a guy and then lay myself out for the goal. Coach hates it when I do that, afraid I’ll get hurt, but when I see an opening, I take it.

We win the game against the Bears 55-16. I surprised myself with big numbers there too when I threw for over 290 yards and rushing 32 times for 178 yards despite the wind and rain. It was relentless and the ball kept slipping out of my hands. The field was a swamp after the game.