Finding Forgiveness(30)

“Did he seem okay this morning?” Roman asked as he grabbed his coffee and followed Gray back to the kitchen.

“Little tired…nervous at first but he opened up once he and Luke started talking about the bookshelf. He’s a nice kid. Sit, I’ll make you some breakfast.”

“Um, just the coffee, thanks,” Roman said as he dropped down in one of the kitchen chairs.

Gray settled in the chair across from him. “Rough night?”

Roman nodded. Throughout the night, Hunter had had several nightmares. The first one had just had him bolting upright in bed, his breath coming in heavy drags. Roman had asked him about the dream but Hunter had merely shaken his head and lain back down. He hadn’t been fully awake during the second and third and both had started with him begging his unknown attacker to stop. Roman had managed to pin his arms to keep him from lashing out at him and after a few soft words, Hunter had settled and then drifted back off to sleep. He’d had the same nightmare once the previous night when they’d spent the night at the lake but Roman had figured it was a normal, one-time thing. Now he wasn’t so sure. Although Hunter refused to call what the bikers had done to him rape, it was unlikely he’d walked away from the encounter with only a battered body.

“I’m sorry, Gray,” Roman said softly as his eyes met his brother’s across the table.

“For what?” Gray asked gently.

“For not telling you I was in town. For not having any intention of telling you,” Roman admitted.

“I kind of figured that was the way of things,” Gray said.

“Yet you kept calling, texting. Why?”

“Same reason you came out here to check on me three months ago, I suppose,” Gray answered. “You actually had me with that story about Mom – Victoria – being worried about me. I called her right after you left. Apparently I interrupted one of her sessions with clients because she only had enough time to ask me what I wanted and to scold me for my behavior embarrassing her.”

“Sorry,” Roman muttered. He hadn’t given much thought to the validity of his lie or that Victoria would be so dismissive of Gray even after weeks of him seemingly dropping off the face of the earth.

“Don’t be. That was one of the best days of my life.”

That got Roman’s attention and he whipped his head up. “What?”

“It was the day I realized I might actually have another chance with you…to be the big brother I should have been all along.”

A strange mix of excitement and anger went through Roman. He wanted to yell that it was too fucking late – that he didn’t need Gray. But it was complete and utter bullshit. Maybe he didn’t want to need Gray but he’d been exactly the first person Roman had thought of when he’d understood the truth about what Hunter was doing himself.

“Don’t worry Roman, I’m not looking for miracles,” Gray said gently. “I already got more than my fair share of those.”

Roman had no doubt who Gray was talking about, at least for the first miracle. He suspected beating cancer was a very close second to finding the love of his life.

“I saw those burns on his arm and I just…I just went right back to that night…”

“To the night you lost your mom you mean?” Gray asked.

Roman swallowed hard. “You know about that?”

“Not the details,” Gray responded. “I heard Mo-Victoria say how your mom died when she was fighting with Dad one night when I was home from college. I’m sorry, Roman. No one ever told me when you first came to live with us.”

“I’m sure it was hard enough to hear your dad had been cheating on your mom all those years. It probably wouldn’t have mattered much that his mistress killed herself,” Roman said. After a moment, he continued. “She never did what Hunter does but she always had that same empty look in her eyes that I sometimes see in his. When I saw what he’d done to himself, I just panicked. I knew I had to get him out of there but it was like I couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. What if I did or said something to make things worse? What if I missed some sign and he…”

The thought was too disturbing to even contemplate so Roman snapped his mouth shut. He was surprised when he felt Gray’s hand close over his where it was resting on the table.

“Roman, even if you spend the rest of your life hating me, I will always be here if you need me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Roman murmured. “I just…”

“You can’t forgive me,” Gray finished for him.

God, Roman felt like such a fucking hypocrite. Hadn’t he been urging Hunter to forgive himself for the mistakes he’d made and yet he couldn’t find it in himself to let go of the pain Gray’s indifference had caused him all those years ago?