Finding Forgiveness(33)

Her eyes dropped instantly and another streak of hurt hit him. She knew exactly what he was referring to but he voiced it anyway. “You told me the stuff with Finn Stewart blew over – that everything went back to normal after I left.”

“You always had a soft spot for boys like him…troublemakers,” she said firmly as she smoothed her hands over the collar of the shirt. “He got what he deserved for doing what he did.”

Hunter reared back as if she’d struck him. “I told you the truth about that night, Mom. I told you it wasn’t his fault. That I started it. You said…you said if I stayed away, that if I left things alone it would all go away.”

His mother shook her head. “No, that boy, he tricked you into saying that stuff. I knew he’d do it again if you came back.”

Hunter actually felt bile creeping up the back of his throat. All this time he’d thought he had a secret ally in his mother. That if and when he really needed her, she’d be there for him. He’d been terrified that she’d hate him when he’d admitted that the encounter with Finn had been because he’d instigated it but when she’d said she understood, he’d taken that to mean she was okay with it…with him. But she’d done the same thing as his father – used his lie to hide a truth she didn’t want to accept.

“Why?” Hunter asked.

His mother reached up to plug the iron back in. “Your father needs this shirt because the white one isn’t right for the pin striped blazer.”

Hunter just stood there waiting and hoping that she’d look up and say something, anything that would explain everything away. That some miracle words would fall from her lips and his world would right itself once more. But she kept ironing away and when she asked him if he wanted her to make breakfast, he left the kitchen and ran up the stairs to his room. The familiar ache in his gut kept churning and twisting until his skin itched. He tried shaking the feeling loose but it just kept building and building. He ran his hand over his pocket and bit down on his lip hard when he felt nothing. He hurried to the bathroom and actually let out a cry of relief when he saw the spoon lying on the floor and the lighter sitting in the sink. He slammed the bathroom door shut but it didn’t latch into place since the housing in the door frame was bent.

Because Roman had been desperate to get to him. To make sure he was okay.

Hunter snatched up the spoon and grabbed the lighter and sat down on the floor. He yanked his sleeve up and then got the lighter going and held the spoon over it. He watched the flames lick at the metal and felt his whole body draw up tight in anticipation. Long after he knew he should pull the lighter away, he kept it there. And then he looked down at his arm to find the perfect spot. He released the button on the lighter and let it fall to the floor, the sound ricocheting through the room. He lowered the spoon to just above the delicate skin on the inside of his wrist. The burn would be harder to hide but maybe the pain would stick around long enough this time to…

To what?

When will it be enough, Hunter? How much pain do you need to feel before you start forgiving yourself?

Roman’s words clung to every corner of his brain as the intense heat from the spoon drifted over his skin. He wanted it so bad he could taste it. But how long until he would need it again? The pain from yesterday’s burn still radiated up and down his arm but it hadn’t even made a dent in the turmoil coursing through him. Would the next one be any different? Would it change any of the million things that were wrong in his fucking little life?

I wish I could take this from you, Hunter.

Hunter opened his eyes and wasn’t surprised to find his vision blurred by tears. He climbed to his feet and went to the sink to turn on the cold water. He held the spoon beneath the running water for several long seconds and then tested the bottom of it carefully to make sure it was cool to the touch. Then he tossed it into the garbage can. He did the same with the lighter and then scrubbed his face. The churning in his belly had eased by the time he grabbed his backpack off the chair by his desk. He knew he didn’t have the strength to face his mother so he exited the house through the front door and went to his car. A glance at the clock in the dash showed that if he left now, he could still make it to his Intro to Political Science class. He backed his car out of the driveway and headed towards the road that would take him north to Missoula. But by the time he reached the last intersection on the way out of town, he knew there was a stop he needed to make.



***

Hunter’s hands were shaking so bad that he ended up folding his arms in an effort to keep from reaching for his empty pocket. He hadn’t seen any cars outside the barn when he pulled in but he knew they could just be up at the main house at the top of the hill. Since it was the middle of the day, it was highly likely that the inhabitants of the CB Bar Ranch were out in the fields checking on the cattle that were the ranch’s lifeblood. If that were the case, he’d have to find some place to settle in and wait them out because he wasn’t going to chicken out now. He just hoped like hell that if the big cop who’d slugged him yesterday was the first person he encountered, he’d somehow last long enough to still be able to verbalize his apology if and when Finn showed up.