Finding Eden(27)

Eden pulled me closer, clenching her legs around me tighter and moaned out, "Yes, yes." I didn't know if she was answering me or just moaning out her pleasure. I licked up the side of her neck, the sweet and salty taste of her skin exploding on my tongue. I wanted to devour her. I groaned and pumped inside her harder and faster, our skin slapping together and her back making loud contact with the wood beneath her. She gripped handfuls of my hair, pulling roughly as she gasped out.

And then we were nothing but a tangled, gasping, moaning blur of skin and heat and mouths and thrusting pleasure. Everything about it was surreal. Somewhere far off in the distance, my brain registered the strange harshness of how we were going about this, but it felt so necessary to my existence that I didn't investigate the thought. I couldn't investigate the thought. I had my girl in my arms. Nothing else mattered. I just let the relief wash over me, our joining bringing a calm I needed so desperately I was animalistic in my pursuit of it.

I felt Eden tense under me as she arched her head back and cried out her climax. Her hands came to my back and she scraped her fingernails down my skin so hard, I was sure she had drawn blood. For some reason it inflamed me even further and I swelled inside her. Her breathy sounds of dwindling pleasure brought on my own and bliss swirled in my abdomen, moving downward until I tensed and jerked inside her, groaning into the sweetness of her throat.

We both lay there for several long minutes, our breathing slowing, our heartbeats taking up an even, steady rhythm. I leaned up and looked down into her face. Her expression was gentle, but still sad. I smoothed the hair away from her face and leaned forward and kissed her again softly. I slid out of her and rolled over onto my back, bringing her with me.

I took a deep breath. Again, we lay there together for several minutes, my hands running up and down her arms as she held on to me tightly. When I registered I was still wearing a condom, I said softly, "Let me get rid of this real quick." I nodded my head downward and she sat up.

After I'd cleaned myself up and wrapped a towel around my waist, I stood against the bathroom wall, just trying to get control of my racing heart, massaging my chest as if something inside had broken. Or perhaps was piecing itself back together.

When I came back from the bathroom, Eden had pulled her clothes back on and was standing in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows staring out at the night. I stopped and just stood there for a minute watching her, bathed in moonlight and city lights, my heart squeezing in my chest.

"It's how I've always loved you best," I said.

She turned, cocking her head to the side in question.

"Under moonlight," I said, walking toward her.

She smiled softly.

"For a minute, standing there, I thought you were a vision and I had made this all up in my mind. Will I ever stop thinking that?"

She turned toward me and shook her head. "I don't know. I don't know how this works. I never imagined—"

"Didn't you ever think I might be alive? Even for a minute?"

She shook her head. "I saw the wreckage, Calder. I watched it all come crashing in. I saw the bodies, the water still covering it all. I . . ." She took in a big, shaky breath. "That was the moment I died inside." Her eyes widened in horror as if she was picturing it, feeling the emotions of that moment again. Instinct made me reach out to her and grab her hands. "There was no way . . ." She choked out a small sob. "I left you there," she whispered, misery etched into her beautiful features. "Oh God, Calder," she brought her hand to her mouth and then dropped it, "I left you there." She shook her head back and forth as if in denial. "I'll never, ever forgive myself. As long as I live, I'll never—"

I pulled her toward me and held her against my chest. "Shh," I said, rubbing my hand over her hair. "There was no way you could have known. I saw the wreckage on the news. I wouldn't have had any hope either. I promise you, I don't blame you for assuming no one could have survived that." She nodded her head, but still looked miserable when she pulled away. "Let's go sit," I said, leading her toward the wall to the right of the windows. "I'm sorry I don't have any furniture."

She sat down on the floor, leaning back against the wall. I dropped the towel and pulled on my discarded jeans and went and sat down next to her, pulling her against me. When my back hit the wall, I could feel the sting of the wounds she had caused with her fingernails. I wanted to sigh out with the somehow wonderful feel of the pain, proof she existed. I realized in that moment that it had been the same with the emotional pain, too. All these years, something in me had grasped onto it, not ever wanting to let it go. Truthfully, a big part of me had wanted to dive into the anguish and drown in it. I had wanted it to torture me, bury me alive. A part of me loved it, because it was all I had of her.