Eternally Seduced(80)

His chest hurt. It always did every time he thought of Saffi in any way,  the things he used to say or do to hurt her now shredding his own  heart.

A quiet knock sounded on his door before Bob walked in. The other man  had resigned on the night Saffi left, but he had given in to Staffan's  quiet request to continue working for him when Staffan admitted that he  had fucked up with Saffi and intended to have her back.

Staffan's smile twisted, remembering how Bob told him in angry disgust  the way Saffi had pleaded to let her in and asked him with heartbreaking  hope if he thought she and Staffan were "special" together.

God.

Special was such a weak word to describe the kind of girl Saffi was.  There was no one in the world like her, and he would not stop at nothing  to have a chance with her again.

"The gym's ready," Bob said.

"Thanks, Bob." Nowadays, he worked out three times a day, not just to  stay physically fit but also to keep himself from going insane at  missing Saffi. Thoughts of Saffi, of how she was doing and if she would  ever forgive him, kept him awake. But because he knew the people who  paid to watch his concert deserved more from him, Staffan decided to use  heavy workouts to literally knock him out in exhaustion. It was that or  take medications, but he didn't want to risk doing something like  Spears on Valium on stage.

The gym was completely empty by the time the elevator took him from the  penthouse to the tenth floor. He nodded at Bob, and the other man  immediately left him alone. He would stand outside to ensure that no one  would interrupt while Staffan was inside.

Staffan set his iPad on the stand while he configured the treadmill to  an 8.0 speed for a brisk walk. As he started to warm up, he unlocked his  iPad, which then took him immediately to Saffi's Facebook page. He  refreshed it, but nothing new came up. It had been inactive ever since  Saffi left him, and it was the same thing with all her online accounts.

Could she have figured out that he knew H and Saffi were one and the  same? Or was there a worse reason for this painfully empty silence?  Every fiber of his being screamed at him to go after her, and goddammit  he wanted to. He hadn't fucking wanted anything so badly in his life.

But a part of him remembered her words not so long ago.

"I've decided to let you know that I am your greatest treasure,  Staffan," she had told him impishly that one night when he had given her  the treasure chest and she so wanted to give him a gift in return.

The impish smile had entranced him so much he had started taking off her clothes as he teased, "Really?"

She giggled while trying to dodge his hands, which had already managed  to unbutton half of his shirt off her. "Yup. Because I'm not just your  G. I'm a half-breed."

He had raised a brow at that. "A half-breed?"

"Yes, because I'm also one of your fangirls! And we fangirls always  believe in you, always want you, always love you. So I don't mind if you  do stuff for fangirls. Just one small thing from you is a huge thing  for us." She paused, her worried eyes suddenly seeking him. "But just no  kissing stuff, okay?"         

     



 

The memory sharpened the pain of loss inside him, honing it like the  finest blade as it reminded Staffan how much he had lost the moment he  pushed Saffi away.

He closed the iPad and started to run. In his mind, he was running  towards her, but she was always too far, always out of his reach.

Saffi, Saffi, please, baby, please take me back.

~~~

"You're d-daydreaming again," Mary told Saffi, startling the other girl.  It was nine in the morning, and as Saturday mornings went, the library  was blessedly empty and quiet, with only a bare handful of students  turning in. She and Saffi loved going to the university library at times  like this  –  or at least they used to. Now, Mary couldn't help but think  that Saffi might be feeling bored.

Mary gazed at her mentor in concern. Saffi was normally very bubbly,  something that had surprised her at the start since the other girl  looked so feminine  –  so like Mary, actually. But whereas Mary was really  shy and soft-spoken---mostly because she had a tendency to stammer when  she was nervous---Saffi was quirky and fun once she was with people she  was completely at ease with.

But Saffi had changed, ever since she came back from Staffan  Aehrenthal's concert. In the past, Saffi used to have stars in her eyes  every time she had something new to talk about her number one celebrity  crush.

Saffi straightened in her seat, blinking at Mary's soft and bemused  tone. She couldn't believe she had fallen asleep in the middle of  tutoring Mary. And it happened to be about the most recently discovered  fish species  –  another member of the Cyprinidae family, this time found  in the streams of Turkey. Researching about new fish species was one of  her favorite subjects in the world so Saffi herself had no idea how she  could have fallen asleep just like that.

"Are you okay, Saffi?"

Saffi nodded. "I'm just … worried about my thesis---" She stopped when she  heard Mary let out an uncharacteristic snort. Saffi smiled in spite of  herself. "Did I just hear my super ladylike---"

"Here," Mary said, smiling back, relieved to see Saffi happy again,  "I'll do it again if you like." And so she snorted another time.

Saffi's laughter had always been musical, unlike any other sound Mary  had heard really. Perhaps what made it special was Saffi's genuine love  for life, her unique ability to seize every moment and turn it into  something magical. But now Saffi's beautiful laughter was tinged with  melancholy.

"Oh, Mary." Saffi didn't know if she wanted to laugh some more or start  to cry. She felt like she was going to burst if she didn't talk to  someone and just get everything off her chest. "I'm scared."

"If it's anything I can help you with, I will."

Saffi forced the words out. "I think … I think I'm pregnant."

And then everything came out.

The talk helped Saffi a lot, enough to help clear her thoughts and do  what she was supposed to do. She took out her phone. "Jeremy?"

"It's a wonderful surprise to hear your voice, Saffi."

The gentleness of Jeremy's voice almost undid her. "Jeremy," she whispered again. "We have to talk. Please come over today?"

"Of course." The swiftness and firmness of his reply slightly eased the pain inside her. "I'm on my way now."

"Thanks."

"Anything for you, Saffi."

After ending the call, she brought her hand to her chest and kept it  there, using it to calm her suddenly racing heartbeat. What she was  about to do might be irrevocable, but she had to be strong. She wasn't  going to be a fool the second time and make the same mistakes she did.

This time she was going to be strong on her own, without needing anyone's help.

This time, she had finally grown up.

~~~

Leaving the sounds of adulation behind him without a backward glance,  Staffan nodded his thanks at Bob as the other man opened the door for  him. His tour was finally over, giving him the long-anticipated  opportunity to go after Saffi.

Cold sweat bathed Staffan at the thought. Would she still take him back?  The days that had separated them had been the severest agony, with  every idle second spent torturing himself with thoughts of Saffi falling  in love with the first nice guy she met back in university. Those guys,  with their fucking PhDs, would no doubt treat her like the princess she  was. And she would fall in love with one of them, how could she not  when she only had his cruel and heartless ways to compare to?

His heart flinched inside him at the thought of Saffi even holding  another man's hands. God.If just the thought of Saffi in another man's  company hurt, how much worse had it been for Saffi, with all those times  he had forced her away?

Staffan's phone rang, Carson's name flashing on the screen. The other  man had felt responsible for what happened between Staffan and Saffi  even though Staffan knew it was his own fault all along. No one had  twisted his arm to act like a bastard with Saffi. That had been him and  only him all along.

"Hey." Alan felt even more awkward these days whenever he had to speak  with Staffan. He could see how staying apart from Saffi had taken its  toll on the once invincible-looking rockstar. This wasn't like how he  had been when the Cougar had left. Then Staffan had simply been in a  violent rage every day. But now … Staffan only came alive in front of his  fans and after that, he simply lived for any news he could get of Saffi.

The first time he had talked to Staffan, after a short uncomfortable  phone call with Saffi, telling the other man that Saffi had been treated  in the hospital for two broken ribs---Alan could still remember the way  Staffan's eyes had burned bright at the news, as if Alan's words had  given him permission to … breathe.

"Do you have news of Saffi?" Staffan asked, his chest tightening in fear and anticipation of whatever Carson was about to say.