Eternally Seduced(82)

But for once, Saffi couldn't care less about Staffan's mesmerizing  looks. What she really wanted to know was if she had heard him  correctly. Had he just called her---

She blurted out, "What did you call me?" Saffi kept her gaze on his  lips, fearing to meet his eyes  –  or anyone else's for that matter. She  was conscious of the way everyone's  –  and she meant everyone  –  gazes had  swung toward her as she spoke to Staffan. Their gazes felt mostly like a  mixture of shock, curiosity, envy and not a small amount of outrage.

"Saffi."

She felt even dizzier when she heard Staffan say that one name she hoped  he wouldn't say. Please, God, if you could just grant me one wish, let  this be it. Let me not faint---

"Or should I call you Starry Eyed instead?"

God didn't listen. Or maybe He had His headsets on.

Whatever. It was Saffi's last thought just before she lost consciousness.

When she opened her eyes, she was lying on the backseat of a car,  staring at its leather-upholstered ceiling. Saffi slowly pushed herself  up, and as she did she realized that she was on one side of the U-shaped  backseat of a limousine. It only meant one thing.

"How do you feel?" His voice was hoarse with worry, his heart still  thudding hard against his chest. He knew that the terror of seeing Saffi  sliding away like she was dying would remain in his mind forever. If he  hadn't yet known how much this girl meant to him, he did so now. That  one moment told him all he had to know.

As he waited for Saffi to speak, Staffan unashamedly and hungrily stared  at her. She was breathtakingly beautiful. Had she always been this  beautiful? But she was also appallingly thin, and his chest squeezed  painfully at the thought of being the cause of it.

"I'm fine."

Saffi didn't meet his gaze as she answered him, and that hurt. He  clenched his fists at his side, controlling the urge to sweep her into  his arms and beg for a fucking second chance. "I'm sorry if I shocked  you."

When she still didn't say anything, he clenched his fists harder, his  body becoming taut with tension. Staffan continued doggedly, "I came  here to talk about the past---"

"No." Saffi didn't even have to think about it. The memories of what  happened  –  of what she knowingly allowed to happen between them  –  still  made her cringe and she would be absolutely crazy if she would let  Staffan relive her humiliation all over again.

"Saffi---"

Hearing him say her name so … so normally made her whisper, "Have you … have you always known?"

"Yes---" Staffan cursed when Saffi flinched as if he had struck her. He  might not understand her reaction, but he understood her, and it told  him that he had somehow hurt her with his answer. "Saffi---"

She flinched again, dazed by the pain of her newfound realization. How  was it possible that this man could have so many ways of hurting her?  "I'm glad I gave you something to laugh about for the tour," she said  flatly. "Another stress reliever, right?"

Staffan whitened, realizing how she had completely misinterpreted his  actions. "Saffi, it's not what you think." No longer able to keep his  distance from her, not with every cell in his body clamoring for  contact, Staffan went to her side.

She started to struggle the moment he touched her, but he was of course  the stronger one and in moments he had tipped her chin up, forcing her  to meet his gaze. "Listen to---" His voice faltered at the sight of her  eyes.

She didn't have any stars in her eyes.         

     



 

Saffi blinked at the odd way Staffan was suddenly staring at her. "What?"

Terror enveloped his heart, but he determinedly made himself ignore it.  His brain told him he was fucking too late to have Saffi back, but he  was going to goddamned try his hardest anyway. He wasn't going to  fucking let go without giving his all this time. He had lost her once,  and it had been hell. If he had the smallest chance of chaining Saffi to  his side this time, Staffan would take it and throw away the key.

"I couldn't understand why you were pretending to be someone you're not.  I just wanted that you be the one to tell me the truth." He inhaled  sharply, knowing that what he was about to say could go either way.  "Chloe … used to lie to me all the time, and I had to beg her to tell me  the truth every damn time. When she left me, I swore to myself that I  would never---"

Try as she might, Saffi couldn't make herself ignore the bitterness in Staffan's voice. "I'm sorry---"

"It wasn't your fault, Saffi. I was wrong---"

"I lied because I couldn't take any chances of anyone guessing who I  really was, especially with the way I was dressed and the way I was  acting."

"Why were you acting out of character, Saffi?"

For a moment, Saffi considered lying but just as quickly decided against  it. There was no reason to, and she couldn't bear hurting Staffan with  yet another lie. "I wanted that weekend for myself, to escape my boring  life and pretend I could be the kind of girl you'd want. I wanted to  know how it felt to be your groupie." She was unconscious of the way her  lips twisted in a painful smile as she continued, "And I was, wasn't  I?"

Staffan groaned as tears formed in Saffi's expressive eyes, and she  struggled as he pulled her to his lap. The feel of having her back in  his arms was glorious, but it would have been more so if only he didn't  feel like the scum of the earth for having hurt her so much.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Saffi."

Her entire body remained stiff in the circle of his arms, but Staffan  could feel her shoulders shaking at how hard she was trying to stop  herself from crying. She failed, and every tear that seeped into his  shirt burned him.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," he whispered, hugging her more tightly,  knowing he would give his life in an instant if it meant stopping Saffi  from hurting. "When you ran away from the room that night, I went after  you." He struggled to breathe, knowing what he was about to say would  hurt her even more. "I wanted to tell you how I felt then. I was  planning to go on my fucking knees and beg you to come back to me for  good, but I saw you with Carson. I saw you kissing Carson. It gutted me.  It was like Chloe taking me for a fool again and … " His voice lowered,  voice raw with self-loathing as he admitted, "I wanted to take revenge  so I did … that."

A choking sob escaped her, Staffan's words making her remember the worst  moment of her life. She started to cry hard then, the tears endlessly  flowing as she saw in her mind a vivid vision of Staffan finger-fucking  another woman---

She went wild, knowing she had to get away from Staffan, every inch of  her body crawling at the memory of how she had begged him to just stop  touching the other woman.

"Calm down---"

"Then let me go!"

The hurt in her voice was too fresh, too strong for Staffan to ignore  and he let his hands drop, keeping himself still as Saffi flew to the  opposite side of the car.

Chest heaving, she strove for control, despising at the same time how  weak she still was with Staffan. Just one touch and her body had become  completely alive. It wasn't right. It just wasn't right.

Saffi forced herself to meet Staffan's gaze. "I can't be with you anymore, Staffan."

Her words knocked him over, and he felt like iron claws had suddenly  wrapped around his heart. "Saffi---" He couldn't think of anything to  say after that. He was panicking, and not even with Chloe had he felt  this afraid. He had to make this right. He had to. Without Saffi, he was  nothing.

He tried again, his voice hoarse. "Saffi, I'm sorry." When she shook her  head at him, the stars still absent in her gaze, Staffan reached for  her desperately.

"No!"

Staffan went cold at the way Saffi shrank away from his touch. "I'm not  going to hurt you anymore, Saffi," he promised her fiercely.

She shook her head furiously. "I can't … it's just … " Even though it killed  her to do so, Saffi made herself look at Staffan. "It's not you,  Staffan. It's me. I can't let myself be with you. I just … " She covered  her mouth, pressing her hands hard against her lips to stop them from  trembling. "Staffan, I just don't have any pride when I'm with you and  it's not right. It's just not."





Chapter Fourteen




@TheOfficialStaffanAehrenthalStalker, Twitter:

Spotted: Staffan at a university in Florida--- is he dating a college co-ed?

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Hours had passed, but Saffi's words still hadn't left him, had indeed  taken to repeating itself nonstop in his mind. The words humbled and  terrified him at the same time. On one hand, it made Staffan hopeful.  Surely such words meant Saffi still cared for him, one way or another.  But on the other hand, those words could also mean that she was  determined to move on and nothing he could do would change her mind.