Eternally Seduced(108)

The thought choked him, and he gasped for breath.

The phone rang, and Staffan answered it, his heartbeat pounding against  his chest. It had to be Saffi. She had changed her mind. She wanted to  talk to him. She was going to beg him to come back---

But it was not.

"Sir, you need to come down quickly. Mrs. Aehrenthal had an accident."

No.

No, fuck, no.



****



He felt so fucking helpless in the back of the ambulance with a pale and  bleeding Saffi lying unconscious on the stretcher. Staffan gazed down  at her and everything became so fucking clear in an instant, like he had  been blind all his life and this one moment had gifted him with  precious clarity.         

     



 

But the cost of it was too fucking much.

"Saffi, please God, Saffi, wake up." His voice broke, and with every  second that she did not answer, Staffan felt his whole world closing  down on him until he was all alone in the darkness.

"Please, Saffi, wake up, please."

But she still didn't answer and he remained alone.



****



Around him, Staffan dimly heard Saffi's family speaking with the  doctors. He didn't give a fucking piece of shit about what they had to  say. All he needed was Saffi to wake up so he could say he was sorry  –   he was so fucking sorry.

And that he loved her. He would always love her.

"Saffi, baby, please open your eyes." His voice was raw from speaking  for almost 24 hours. But he couldn't stop. He felt alone and he knew if  he felt like that, then she was probably feeling it too. She was all  alone in her pain and he needed to find a way to pull her out of the  darkness.

But she still didn't answer.

"Son." Pearl's voice was reed-thin. "The doctors are saying it's fatal … "

She was saying something else, but he couldn't hear her. All Staffan  could see was Saffi. He gripped her hand tightly. "Wake up, Saffi,  please. You need to wake up." Slowly, Staffan placed his hand on her  stomach and it felt so fucking still.

His control broke.

"Saffi … " God, these fucking tears were choking him. "You two need to wake up now, Saffi. Please wake up."

But there was still no answer and they both remained in the darkness.

Another day passed. Silver and Steel offered to relieve him, but Staffan  didn't want to leave, didn't dare risk having Saffi wake up and think  he had left her. He would never leave her again. Never.

"Saffi, baby … "

Her eyes flickered.

His heart stopped beating.

The monitor went crazy, and there was chaos all around but Staffan  didn't see any of it. Saffi's eyes were dull with fear. "Staffan?"

He started to speak, but she shook her head. "Staffan, I can't … " She gasped. A loud warning siren burst out from the monitor.

Saffi gazed at him in horror. "I can't feel my baby."

And Staffan knew then, it was his fucking payment for all the things he  had said and done. Saffi had come back, but she came back alone. He  didn't need to hear the doctors' words. She knew and he knew because  that baby had been theirs  –  and now their baby was alone in the  darkness, and it was his fucking fault.

Staffan flew into a rage as the doctors tried to drag him away from  Saffi's side. Saffi started to cry and with a roar, he pushed everyone  away so he could go to her. Saffi needed him and he had promised himself  he would never leave her again. He didn't want to risk her going into  the darkness. He didn't want to lose her again.

But everyone was holding him back.

Steel and Silver were the only ones who managed to drag him out of the emergency room. "I'm sorry, Staffan, I'm sorry … "

The pain in their voices made the truth real and he fell to his knees,  weeping. His baby  –  their baby  –  was all alone in the dark and it was  his fucking fault.

From within the room, he could hear Saffi crying, and he knew she knew their baby was lost in the darkness, too.

I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so, so sorry. It's Daddy's fault. It's my fault. I'm so, so sorry.



****



"I need to see her." Staffan wasn't going to take ‘no' for an answer  this time. He needed to see Saffi, needed to know she wasn't lost in the  darkness like their baby. It had been days since she had woken up, days  since he had to sign the papers that declared their little girl was  dead.

"You can't stonewall me forever," he said grimly when Steel didn't budge an inch from the door.

"If you really love my sister, then you won't force more pain on her."

"You don't fucking understand. She needs me---" He shoved Steel, but Steel shoved him right back.

"Why would she need a man who almost fucking killed her?" Steel snarled.

"I LOVE HER!"

"IT'S TOO FUCKING LATE!" Steel roared back.

The door opened, and Pearl's appearance made Steel and Staffan freeze. "Let him go, Steel," she said quietly.

Staffan's heartbeat became erratic. "Is Saffi---"

Pearl made a choking sound of distress.

His heart shattered. What the fuck was wrong? He rushed inside and when  Saffi looked up, he knew. The brightest stars in the sky tended to die  in silence, the gaping darkness swallowing it in an instant. In Saffi's  eyes, he saw that darkness and he felt like there was no way for the  stars to ever come back in her eyes.

He stumbled towards her, not knowing what to say or do to make everything okay.

"Staffan." Her voice was so thin, he had to lower himself to the chair next to her bed to hear her.

"I'm here, baby."

She shook her head. "Staffan  –  our baby's dead."

Pain clawed him inside and out at the words. Even though he knew that,  had already known for days, it fucking hurt to hear Saffi say it,  knowing it was his goddamn fault their baby was gone. "I'm sorry. I'm so  fucking sorry."

She turned her head away. "It's my fault," she whispered. "My fault."

"No, baby, it's not---"

She was restless, fidgeting. Staffan stilled, panic blazing inside him  as he tried to figure out what was wrong. And then Saffi turned back to  face him, and he realized that she had been using all her strength to  remove his ring.

He shook his head wildly. "Saffi, no, no---"

"No more lies," she whispered and pressed her ring into his palm.

The darkness was coming back, and there was no pushing it away. "Saffi,  please." He started to weep. "Don't fucking do this. Let me fix things.  Let me love you---"

"No more lies." She pulled her hand away, her voice lifeless. "I don't want to see you again."



****



The funeral mass was held a week later, with only a select number of  people invited. Silver went up the podium, speaking on behalf of the  March family. His voice shook as he thanked everyone who came, his  message perfunctory. And at the end, he ignored every warning that his  family had given him and looked at his brother-in-law. They had told him  that Saffi would not be able to bear the stress of hearing Staffan  speak, but he didn't give a damn. It went against his very nature to be  unfair, and his whole family was being fucking unfair to make it seem as  if his sister was the only one who hurt. Staffan had lost a child, too,  and whatever their differences may be, it did not stop Silver from  seeing that Staffan felt the loss just as deeply as Saffi did.

Saffi stiffened as she saw who was taking the microphone from her  brother. Staffan looked … he looked like he always did. Beautiful,  unbearably so. But there was a haunted look in his eyes that made her  want to close her eyes and wish the entire world away.

She didn't want to see him hurt. She couldn't bear to see him hurt. She  just wanted to be alone in her pain because it was all her fault.  Everything that happened was because she had lied. She had been selfish  and her daughter paid the price for it.

When Staffan cleared her throat, Saffi prepared herself for the worst.

"My baby girl's name is Lace. That was the only thing Saffi and I agreed  on. If it had been a boy, he would have had a horrible name. Saffi  threatened to call him Vidunder."

From the aisle, Constantijin's face clenched in reaction, feeling his friend's pain. Rathe inhaled sharply.

"It means ‘monster' in Swedish." There were smiles at his quip, but mostly there were tears.

Staffan continued hoarsely, "So I retaliated, and I told her if that's  the way things were going to be, I was going to follow the March  tradition."

Pearl choked back a sob and her husband drew her into his arms.

"I told her that my son could also be named something like allabogdanite  or sinkankasite." More tears and laughter followed his words.

Staffan struggled to breathe. "It was basically a draw when it came to  our boy's name, but if it had been a girl  –  Lace … " He stopped, willing  himself not to break down. "It would have been perfect. And if both of  us had the fortune to spend a little more time with our baby girl, she  would have been perfect." His gaze sought Saffi's. "Because Saffi would  have made a perfect mom, and Lace would have taken after her---"