Devil You Know(50)

I ease back from the bowl, and rest on my haunches. I can’t comprehend how much of a hot mess I must be. “I already do. I always have.”

“Then best we do something to fix that.” Malice stands, and wets a face cloth under the tap. He wrings it out, and kneels beside me.

I close my eyes as he washes my face with care. Unbidden tears start again, and I fail at keeping my chin steady while he washes.

“Babe, you’ll be fine. You’re not in this alone.” He finishes cleaning, and sits back.

“I just want to be normal. I’m sick of being like . . . like . . . this.”

“You are normal.”

• • • • •

“THESE GUYS look okay.” Malice slides his phone across to me to. “It says they don’t need a doctor’s referral, which is a plus.”

I run my eye over the listing for a crisis-counseling center in town. I have to admit, they do look good. “I feel sick.”

“Are you going to vomit again?” Malice moves to stand.

“No!” I shake my head. “Sorry. I meant I feel sick reading about this. I hate that I’ve been lowered to having to do this.”

“Everyone there will feel the same.” He slides back next to me at the table. “They’re all in the same boat as you.”

“I know. It’s only that it seems like the ultimate cop-out, you know? If I do this, then I admit I’m too hopeless to help myself.”

“You aren’t hopeless.” He rubs his temple. “Most of the time, places like this are helpful because they’re an outsider’s point of view. They’re trained to help you see things from a new perspective.”

“I guess.”

His hand slips over mine. “You’ll be okay.”

I look down at his smartphone, and swipe through some of the options. “I had no idea they could do so much these days. I mean, I saw the ads on TV, but wow, they’re kind of fun to play with.”

“Have you figured your one out yet?”

I shrug. “I think so.”

The phone vibrates under my hand, and the word ‘Dad’ flashes across the screen. Malice snatches it back, and swipes to silence it.

“Aren’t you going to talk to him?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “Nothing to talk about.” He mentally leaves the room for a minute. “Are you hungry?”

“Not really.” My gut still churns with acid. I’ve had a couple of dry pieces of toast, but the thought of anything else going in there makes me ill. “If you have anything else you want to do, I’m cool with that. You don’t need to hang about and watch me feel sorry for myself all day.”

“No. I don’t have anything else on.” He smiles. “What would you like to do?”

I stare out at the warm day. “I’d kind of like to do nothing. But I’m also sick of being in the house all the time.”

“I have an idea.” Malice stands, and holds his finger up. “Wait there.”

I don’t know where he thought I’d be going. It’s not as though my current state calls for an afternoon run. I watch Rocco sniff around the edges of the garden while I wait. This house is so peaceful—I’m not entirely sure I ever want to leave it.

Malice returns with a blanket and two pillows. “Come.” He nods toward the garden.

I follow him out the French doors, and across the lawn to a large oak tree that sits halfway along the back garden. He spreads the blanket out, places the pillows at the top, and gestures for me to lie down.

Somewhat awkwardly, I relax onto the blanket. He positions himself next to me—both of us on our backs, staring at the sky. A furry nose blocks my vision, and I swat away Rocco’s lick attack.

“Stop, Rocco! Lie down.” I pat the blanket beside me and he does as he’s told, leaning his big head on my hip.

“What do you see?”

“Huh?” I roll my head to the side, and watch Malice stare up at the sky.

“In the clouds. What do you see?”

I look at the fluffy white shapes, and try to imagine what they could represent. “I don’t know.”

“Can you see the rabbit?”

I squint, and try a little harder. “I think so. Does it have its ears back?”

“Yep.”

We lie like that for the next few hours, pointing out shapes in the clouds, and birds that dart through the branches of the oak. I’m entirely relaxed. Not once have I worried that he’s getting frustrated with me, annoyed with wasting his time doing something so mundane.

The afternoon passes in sheer bliss.

In doing nothing, he’s done everything for me.

I love him for it.