Dear Ava(49)

I shake my head at him, looking for words. How do I tell him about the hours I spent yesterday, debating and thinking about the future, Knox’s and mine? How do I explain that I don’t think I can force myself to walk in that entrance one more day?

Even if he is here.

I need my own space to grow and live and forget about this town, and I need to let him go so he can do the same.

“Didn’t you come back for justice? Come on, Tulip.”

I smile because deep down, he always knew how my head works.

I dip my head to his chest and breathe. “I did. You helped me, but that process is done. I can’t tell you how lucky I am to have known you, to see you again, to touch you. To make love to you—” My resolve cracks and a tear falls—the first one since I came here—and I hastily swipe it away, but I can’t stop them. They come and come, until my arms go around his shoulders and his shirt is wet.

He tips my face up and presses his forehead against mine. “You’re leaving me? For real?” His voice hitches at the question, and I close my eyes, forcing myself to finish this.

I trace the outline of his lips. “I came back for Tyler, but really, part of me came back for me, too, to figure out who hurt me, and we did. I didn’t plan on you and you didn’t plan on me, and you have a future here, and I…I don’t. This place holds nothing special except you and Wyatt and Piper.”

He clutches my hips. “Shhh, I don’t accept this, you hear me? You’re just upset, and I can’t even imagine how emotional you must feel with everything hitting you like this.” He sucks in air. “Don’t fuck me up, please. You can’t go because I won’t get over you. I won’t ever find someone like you. I won’t ever kiss a girl like you. I love you.” He sighs. “Fuck, don’t you love me? I think you do, but you never said, and I’m standing here and you’re packing up your shit and leaving me—”

Brokenly, I say, “I love you, so much that I’d do anything, even if it means saying goodbye. You need some room to breathe, like you said. You said that for a reason, whether it was about your brother or just something deep down that you know is right. Your brother needs you now. You have a whole season of football and a team to take to state. You have big goals and I do too, but I can’t pursue them here anymore even though you’re the most worthy, kind, wonderful, beautiful person I’ve ever met. I have to go, I have to, I have to…” My shoulders shake as more tears fall. “Don’t make it hard on me, please. Just, someday in the future, find me. Just find me and come up to me and tell me you still love me and want me and can’t live without me in your arms—”

He closes his eyes and a tear falls. “Stop, stop, just stop this—”

“Knox, please, let me go…” My face tilts up and he takes my mouth hungrily, his tongue desperate and hot, taking all I have to give him.









Three hours later, I’m composed, my face dry as I sit at a restaurant in Sugarwood when Mr. Grayson walks in and comes over to my table. His suit is expensive, but his face looks tired.

“I’m glad you called, Ava,” he says with a slight smile as he takes the seat across from me.

He sees I have a coffee and orders the same. He asks if I’ve had lunch, and I tell him I’m not hungry. He says he isn’t either.

He takes a sip of his coffee and gives me a long look. “Have you changed your mind about my offer?”

I pluck at the napkin on the table. “While I’ve given your words some thought, I have to decline.”

He watches me. “I see. How was school today? You aren’t there.”

I exhale. “I’ve unenrolled. I’ll be getting my GED, and I was wondering if you could help me get into Vandy and get their best scholarship. I don’t want your money, just your assistance, and the rest I can borrow on student loans. I’m sure you have connections in Nashville.”

“Indeed I do. What about your brother?”

“I have that settled, but I would like some help in applying as his guardian. You know good lawyers. I’ve had some trouble with my mom showing up recently.”

“Is that why you’re leaving?”

“No, no, she doesn’t really want him, but if I can eliminate any possibility of her having the chance, I’d like to.”

“I see,” he murmurs. “Have you talked to Knox? He was pretty upset after he saw you on Saturday.”

I nod. “I can’t promise you I won’t ever see Knox again. I love him, but I will stay away for as long as I can. I keep thinking about what you said, about us meeting some other time, and that’s all that’s keeping me going, Mr. Grayson.” I look up at him, letting him see how I’m barely keeping myself together.

Emotion works his face as he reaches across the table and holds my hand. “Let me do all these things for you, Ava.”





24





After retrieving my things from Arlington Dorm, I move into a closet-sized apartment Lou threw together for me over the diner. There’s a small bed, a tiny desk, and a bathroom that only has enough room for me to stand sideways, but it’s mine and rent-free.

In late October, I dye my hair blonde. Though the color isn’t quite the same, more bleached out than honey-colored, I start to look like me, even if my eyes are sad. On Halloween, I dress up as a nun and work the morning and lunch shift at Lou’s. He gives me side-eye and calls me Darth Vader but laughs. Tyler is Captain America, and after my shift, I take him trick-or-treating in Piper’s neighborhood. Even though I’m in Sugarwood, I don’t allow my thoughts to dwell on Knox or Camden. I have new goals, a new focus. I promised I’d let him go for both of us, and I’m trying. God, I’m trying so hard.

I take my GED and pass with high scores. My application to Vandy is rushed through and approved and lo and behold, by December a full scholarship is awarded to me, a special compensation for students with high SAT scores who live in the inner city. Mr. Grayson had to have pulled some heavy freaking strings.

I wave the letter I printed off from my email in Lou’s office. “I got it, Lou! It’s mine! January! I’ll be a freshman!”

He beams and sweeps me up in a full twirl while Rosemary tsks from behind the counter, where she’s thrown down an order for me to take out.

He even waggles his eyebrows at Sister Margaret, who’s been loitering in the foyer on her phone.

“Our Ava did it!” he tells her, and dang if he doesn’t give her a hug too. She’s stiff as a board and bats at him lightly.

“Balls. Lou is hugging Sister Margaret,” Tyler declares as he draws at a table.

A couple weeks after Thanksgiving, Piper tells me the Dragons didn’t win a state championship, but they came in second, and considering how awful their last season was and the fact that they lost one of their best players in Liam this year, she says the entire school is thrilled.

At the end of December, nearly four months after I left Camden, word comes from the DA that Liam accepted a plea deal instead of going to trial. His “trophies” were confiscated at his house, along with videos of the party no one had seen, specifically of him videoing me and murmuring he was going to get lucky. They also found a stash of cocaine and Rohypnol, a common date rape drug. His fingerprints were on the bottle, not Dane’s.

Piper told me she heard through the gossip mill that Liam did indeed say it was Dane, that he planned everything and helped him—just like Knox said he would. I lay awake at night and hope Dane’s doing okay, hope he’s recovering. I picture Knox by his side every step of the way, going to therapy with him, right there supporting him at school.

In addition to Dane’s recollection and testimony, Camilla came forward and told the police that Liam sexually assaulted her at his house freshman year. She couldn’t remember all the details, possibly drugged. Then a girl from another school stepped up. The Tennessean, the biggest paper in the state, ran a whole story detailing what happened to me and his arrest. Instead of risking the possibility of more years locked up, his lawyers encouraged him to take the guilty plea for my assault. He did and was sentenced to fifteen to twenty years, which my victim advocate said was rather steep considering he was a minor when the crime occurred. It’s not enough—never—but he’s gone for now, and that settles me.

By the time January rolls around, it’s truly a new year, and my beginning.





25





A year and nine months later





I’m late. So late. “No more crack-of-dawn classes,” I grumble under my breath as I jog between students, moving like a ninja with my backpack, my coffee, and my laptop. But, I know I’m lying. Early classes are the best. It gives me time to start the day, study, and check in with Tyler after he’s done with school at Camden.

“Sorry,” I mutter to a pretty coed who gives me side-eye when I accidentally bump into her. My hand protectively covers the coffee I grabbed from the cafeteria this morning.

“Ava!” Piper catches up with me on the sidewalk. She’s cute today in her mini skirt and crocheted top, her strawberry blonde hair up in a ponytail. She walked with me from our dorm to this side of campus since she has a class near me, but her short legs can’t keep up. I’m raring to go. Something new and fresh is in the air, an expectant feeling lingering with possibilities. Tingles dance over my skin. Goose bumps—in late August!—cover my arms. “Girl. Will you slow down?” she huffs.