Dane(42)

The first was from Marie. Apparently, Gabi wasn't willing to see her-and  I didn't blame her now that I knew the truth. She couldn't do much and  had suggested I head to the hospital to take care of things. The next  one was from Dr. Greiner. He suggested I visit the hospital to discuss  the next steps of Gabi's treatment. I didn't want to go, but I knew at  some point, I'd have to. All I could think about was going home, taking a  shower, changing my clothes, and then spending the rest of the day with  Eden; however, it didn't seem as though I had much of an option.

On the way to the condo, I made a stop by the hospital, hoping to get  everything squared away quickly. Although, I hadn't taken into account  the early morning hour and that the person I needed to speak with wasn't  in yet. I was told she'd be in shortly and to wait in the meantime. It  wasn't what I wanted to do. I didn't want to be there in the first  place, let alone hang around. But it beat having to make another trip  back later in the day. I knew once I had Eden in my arms, I wouldn't be  able to let her go in order to handle Gabi's medical issues.

So, I waited.

I was on my third cup of vending machine coffee when someone finally opened the waiting room door.

"Mr. Kauffmann?" A young nurse came in with an easy smile and gentle  eyes. "Gabriella is awake. I told her you were here and she's asking for  you."

I dropped my chin to keep her from seeing the disappointment in my eyes.  It wasn't her fault. I knew that. There was no way she could've known  the problems between Gabi and me and why I was so nervous to see her.  Nonetheless, I became aggravated and didn't want to take it out on her.  She was only doing her job.

"I can take you to see her if you'd like. The visit needs to be kept  short. She's weak and needs her rest, but I'm sure she'd love to see a  friendly face." Her voice was so soft and kind, which made it difficult  to turn her invitation down.

If Gabi wanted to see me, then I would go to her.

Though I wasn't sure she'd be happy once I left.

I nodded and stood, keeping my eyes trained on the white floor as my  tired feet followed the nurse. She paused outside the closed door and  offered me a sympathetic grin. It would've been enough to ease my mind  had it been anyone other than Gabi on the other side. I wasn't sure  anything would've been able to calm me down, or settle my  emotions-emotions I couldn't discern no matter how hard I tried.

I wasn't upset with Gabi. I was disheartened. The fact she'd done  something to harm herself made my chest ache, but what made it worse  were all the facts I'd learned about where it all started. I'd refused  to hear her out. My anger had led her here, and I had a hard time  releasing that guilt. At the same time, her inability to tell me the  truth for years wasn't on me. I wouldn't take the blame for that. And  that's where my confusion lay-trapped between fault, when there  shouldn't have been any in the first place.

Human error.

Human emotion.

Blame. Guilt. Grief.

They didn't mix well with a man who wanted to take care of everyone.

"She's alert, but very fragile. All we ask is that you don't get her  worked up. She's on medicine to keep her calm and relaxed, but she's  still coherent. I'll let you know as soon as the doctor comes in so you  can speak with him about where to go from here." Again, the corners of  her mouth turned up just enough to offer some comfort, and then she  walked away.         

     



 

The door felt heavy as I opened it. I knew that wasn't the case, but my  nerves and hesitation made it seem like it weighed two hundred pounds.  Gabi lay in the middle of the single bed, her attention set out the  window across the room. As soon as she heard me step inside, she turned  her head and landed her sights on me. Immediately, tears began to fill  her eyes and trickle down her cheeks, though she made no noise. No sobs,  whimpers, sniffles … nothing. She just lay there, the sheet fisted in her  hands, her face scrunched in pain, and watched me as I stood in the  doorway.

"Gabi … " I whispered, unsure what to say to her. I had no idea how I  would feel after seeing her, but I hadn't expected this kind of emotion.  Pain. Heartache. Utter despair. It was as if I'd been taken back more  than ten years to when I'd visited her in the hospital during Sean's  trial. Like then, she was alone, lost, and completely broken.

Without thought, my feet carried me to the side of her bed. I took the  empty chair and leaned forward to take her hand. Her stare never left  mine, and I couldn't look away. I didn't have the strength to observe  anything else in the room. Her brown eyes were void of life, more so  than before. I thought I'd seen her at her worst … but now I realize she  had only been on the brink of destruction. This was her rock bottom. I  wanted to tell myself there was only one way for her to go from here-up.  But I knew that wasn't true. This was the second time she had attempted  to take her life. I feared what would happen if she tried it again.

"I'm so sorry, Dane," she cried softly, her words barely audible.

I shushed her and tried to calm her with gentle strokes to her forehead. "I don't understand, Gabi. Why would you do this?"

She rolled her head to face the ceiling and then closed her eyes, tears  leaking down the sides of her face. "I just want to give up. I have  nothing to fight for anymore. You wouldn't listen to me. I tried to  explain it to you, but you wouldn't let me. I called you-over and over  again-but you wouldn't answer." She tilted her head enough to look me in  the eyes. "You left me, Dane. I have nothing without you."

"That's not true."

"What do I have?"

I ran my thumb over the back of her hand and took a deep breath. "I  don't know, because you've never given yourself a chance to find out.  After the assault, you just shut down. You closed yourself off from  everything. You went with me to Tallahassee, but instead of going to  school, you played the role of a stay-at-home wife. We came home, where  you could've gotten a job, but you chose not to."

"What was I supposed to do?" She raised her voice, showing signs of  agitation. I knew she needed to calm down, but I wasn't sure I was the  right person to do that. "I couldn't go to school. I didn't have any  money and I had no clue what I would've even studied. And I tried to get  a job as a cashier after we moved back, but you told me I didn't have  to."

I adjusted in the seat until I was on the edge of the cushion, my elbows  propped on the mattress. "You know I was more than happy supporting  you. I only wanted you to feel safe. All I needed was for you to do what  made you happy, because you weren't. You offered to get a job to help  with the bills, and I told you I didn't need that from you. But that  didn't mean I wouldn't support you doing something for yourself. I had  suggested art classes, book clubs because you loved to read so much.  Gabi … there were so many things you could've done for you. That's all I  wished for. Because I never wanted you to be here-lost, lonely, feeling  like you didn't have a purpose in the world. You do. You just haven't  found it yet."

"You never understood."

"You're right … I didn't understand. Because you never gave me the chance  to. I know what happened, Gabi. I know everything. I saw your mom the  other day after the hospital called to tell me you were here. She told  me about Todd and how Sean ended up taking the fall for what he did to  you. But I understand now. It's not too late for you."

"Yes it is. There's nothing anyone can do to help me."

"That's where you're wrong." I tried to keep my tone soft and even, but  it was hard when I found myself so irritated with her refusal to  acknowledge she could get help. She could have something more. "It  doesn't take a professional to see why you've been battling depression  for so long. On top of the abuse you had to suffer-not only from Todd,  but the emotional and mental abuse from your own mother not protecting  you-you've had to deal with this guilt alone. You never had to do that.  You could've come to me with the truth. But that's neither here nor  there. Now you can do something about it. Talk to your doctors. Tell  them what really happened so they can help you deal with the real  problem, not just the effects from it. You can't treat the depression if  you're not treating the cause."         

     



 

She licked her lips, like I'd seen her do so many times before. No  matter how many times her tongue ran over them, they remained cracked  and dry. A tear clung to her chin, pulling my attention away from her  mouth long enough to watch her wipe it away with her free hand. The  white bandage around her wrist caught my attention for the first time.  It caused my chest to clench, my heart to squeeze tight, and my lungs to  cease. The guilt came flooding back in full force, reminding me she  wouldn't be here, in this bed, bandages on her wrist had I only let her  explain when she'd begged me to listen.