Becoming Calder(68)

"I couldn't help it. There was nothing I could do to stop it."

"You could have stayed away from him."

I shook my head. "I didn't want to. I want nothing else but to be with him."

Hailey sat up taller, pursing her lips for a second. "Then you've been selfish. You've put us all in a terrible position. You've risked our future—our destiny—by following your own selfish heart."

I felt a thud in my spirit and a heaviness pressed against my chest.

"If I only achieve a spot in paradise by ignoring the desires of my own heart, then I reject paradise," I choked through my tears.

"And what about the rest of us?"

I stood up. "What about the rest of you? You all depend on my misery for your deliverance? You wish for me to sacrifice my deepest heart's desire so you can rule with the gods eternally? Isn't that selfish as well?"

Hailey stood up. "You will rule with the gods eternally, too, Eden."

"I don't want to rule with the gods if it means I have to do it without Calder. I'd rather burn in hell," I hissed.

The fight seemed to go out of Hailey as her shoulders drooped and she looked to the left of me, out my window.

"This is in part my fault. I gave you too much freedom and look what happened."

Tears pricked my eyes again. "You're the only one who was ever kind to me here . . . the only one who has ever . . . who has ever showed me any love." I reached for Hailey's hand, but she pulled it away. "Please, Hailey, you've been like a mother to me when I needed one so badly. Please don't hate me. Please try to understand. Please help me," I whispered the last sentence.

"And who will help the rest of us?"

I blinked at her. "What if Hector's wrong about the flood? What if . . . what if it doesn't come to pass?"

She shook her head. "It will. Hector, he . . . knows things. His marriage to you and the foretelling of the flood is the one thing that has never changed. He is very sure, and so am I."

I looked down at the floor, tears still rolling down my cheeks. "I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say. I looked back up at her. "Please, please don't tell Hector what I've said."

"I would never tell Hector. He'd punish us both. And rightly so."

I looked down, ashamed.

"I'll tell everyone you're not feeling well and won't be at dinner tonight. I think it's best that way," she said.

"Okay," I croaked, knowing she was saying she didn't want to look at me anymore that day.

Hailey turned and walked out of the room. I sunk back down on my bed and put my face in my hands and sobbed. I'd been so happy Hailey and her boys would remain in our wing of the main lodge, even when Mother Miriam returned. But now Hailey was disgusted with me, too. I felt overwhelmed by loneliness and despair.

A little while later, I looked out my window to see Xander walking away from the main lodge, looking back over his shoulder.

I snuck downstairs, listening toward the large dining room where I heard the sounds of everyone eating dinner. I opened the front door quietly and moved down the front stairs to the plantings below. I looked around and then reached inside the bush, removing a folded up piece of paper. I stuffed it in my skirt pocket and returned to my room where I unfolded it.



Eden,

I think you'll agree, that after what happened today, we need to leave here as soon as possible. Two months from today at the very latest. When you hear the call of a nighthawk, three times in a row, pause, and then twice, you'll know it's time to meet Calder and me at the spring. Make sure no one follows you.

In the meantime, if you see any money lying around, and if it's not too risky to take it, do it. We'll need all we can get, every cent.

Xander



Two months? I took in a deep, shaky breath. Two months seemed like an unbearable time to wait; I had no other choice but to try to be patient. I would try my best not to look at Calder with the love I felt in my heart. And I'd pray the next two months went by without incident.

I didn't put this letter with the ones Calder had given me, the ones I couldn't seem to part with. Instead, I lit a candle on my dresser and held the paper by the edge as it burned. When it was just a small burning corner, I let it fall into the large glass container the candle was in. I blew it out, went back to the window, and stood there simply staring out, thinking of Calder, and trying to picture us far, far away.





CHAPTER SIXTEEN




Calder



I sat inside the jail room at the far end of the cellar area. I'd never been in here before, but I'd heard it was a cold, miserable little space that made repenting quickly an easy choice. What I'd heard had been true. It was small and cold, a rusty drain in the corner to piss in, a musty, rotten stench in the air. The only thing to sit on was a narrow concrete bench where I now sat with my throbbing legs stretched out straight. I grimaced as I adjusted them, thankful I didn't have the added element of holding the pain inside now. Someone had shaved or altered the bumps off that piece of metal and my bet was on Clive Richter. But if he thought I was going to give him the pleasure of seeing my pain, he was wrong. Holes in my legs would heal, no matter how bloody they looked now.