After the Affair(38)

Why had she deluded herself into believing differently—that he was capable of true feeling for her? He'd spelled it out clearly enough for her that night in the library. His one desire had been to secure his son in his life. That was the only reason he had married Cassie. Sex with her was merely a coincidental bonus. Nothing else. For some ghastly, perverse reason she still aroused him—as she had nine years before. If he appeared softer and more considerate occasionally it was only because it suited his purpose at the time. No man wanted a difficult wife. Or an unwilling bed-partner. He'd spelled that out as well.

But love? No... He didn't want her love. Didn't want it, didn't need it, couldn't accept it.

Cassie could no longer hide from the obvious truth. Dan had only ever loved one woman. And that woman was dead...

Desolation crashed through her, draining the blood from her face, making her lean weakly against the bathroom vanity unit. What on earth was she going to do? How could she cope?

She stared at herself in the vanity mirror, at the puffy red eyes, the swollen lips, the pale, ravaged face.

But you have to cope, her reflection told her. There is Jason to think of, your mother, Roger... You knew this marriage wouldn't be easy. You can't run away at the first hurdle even if it's a seemingly insurmountable one. You just have to grit your teeth and bear it.

Gathering herself, she moved over to the door and turned the knob. She felt sick at heart as she stepped out into the bedroom, the prospect of facing Dan again making her stomach churn.

The bedroom was empty.

Cassie raced into the adjoining sitting-room. It, too, was empty. Dan had gone.

Panic set in till she took a hold of herself.

So he's stepped out for a while, she reasoned. He'll come back...eventually. And when he does I'll smile and tell him I'm sorry, that in future I'll be a good, quiet little girl, that he can make love to me any time he wishes and I'll...

With a sob Cassie sank down on to the sofa and buried her face in her hands. But she didn't cry. She refused to. She steadied her breathing, hardened her resolve, and when her eyes finally lifted they were dry. The years of wretched emptiness had schooled her well.

I will survive, Cassie drilled herself. I will lock my love away, as I did before. It will not be easy, but I will do it. I have to!

Steady blue eyes swept the room, landing on the untouched tray.

Eat! her mind ordered.

Cassie ate. But she didn't really taste a thing. Then she dressed, slowly, back into her lime jumpsuit.

Still Dan had not returned. The light was beginning to fade as the sun sank behind the tall city buildings. Cassie firmly squashed any renewed sense of panic and proceeded to the bathroom, making up her face with relative composure, combing her hair into place. Still no Dan. Her watch showed just after five.

The sound of the telephone ringing jarred into the silence. Cassie raced over to snatch up the receiver from the bedside table. 'Yes?'

'Cassie?'

'Roger?' Surprise lifted her voice.

'Yes...'

Roger's heavy acknowledgement and subsequent silence sent a shiver of alarm up Cassie's spine.

'Cassie, I...' He sighed and again fell silent. Cassie could hear someone sobbing in the background. It was a woman.

'Oh, my God!' she cried. 'Jason... Something's happened to Jason!' She cradled the receiver in both hands to stop herself from dropping it.

'Now don't panic, Cassie. He's all right. I mean...well, he's still alive... Shh, Joan! He...er, was hit in the temple with a cricket ball at practice this afternoon. He's at the district hospital and they say it might only be a concussion, but ‑'

'Is he conscious?' she broke in frantically.

There was a telling silence before Roger said, 'No.'

'Oh, God,' she groaned.

'The resident here's been trying to contact a Sydney specialist who's the best, but he's in theatre. It appears that there may be some pressure forming inside Jason's brain which will have to be alleviated. He ‑'

The bedroom door opened and Dan walked in.

'Just...just a moment, Roger,' Cassie rasped.

She lifted stricken eyes towards her husband, who froze on the spot. 'Dan, it's...it's...' Her voice was choked off by the enormous lump in her throat. A strangled sob escaped her lips.

'What is it?' he demanded thickly. 'What's happened?'

'There's been an accident,' she croaked. 'Jason...'

For a moment she thought he hadn't heard her. His face went totally blank. Cassie stared at him, only then noticing his oddly dishevelled state.

Suddenly Dan's face sagged. 'Oh, God, no!' he moaned. 'Not Jason... Not him, too...'

'Cassie? Cassie, are you there?' came the voice down the line.

'Yes, Roger, I'm here.' She glanced worriedly over at Dan, who looked as if he was going to collapse. 'Yes...yes, I'm listening... What's that?' Her attention was now all on what Roger was telling her. 'Of course I could. Give me the name of this doctor Jason needs, and I'll keep on trying till ‑'