Absolute Beginners(60)

Absolutely nothing good could come from this revelation. She was all wrong for me: a wild party girl whose priorities in life were completely different from mine. We couldn’t even see each other openly because she was still in my class, and I was still her professor.

Plus, she doesn’t want to date you. Did you forget about that?

Julia didn’t date and she didn’t want a boyfriend. She wanted casual sex and nothing more. But then why would she offer to come over and hang out with me today? Surely she wasn’t expecting sex, seeing as I was hung over. If she just wanted sex then she would have waited to see me until I was feeling better.

I shook my head, regretting it instantly. My headache was back with renewed force, so I slowly made my way to the couch, lying down with my eyes closed. I took a deep breath and exhaled. Maybe I was in love, but I couldn’t tell her that. She’d run for the hills if I revealed that I wanted something more and I couldn’t risk it. The only thing I was absolutely certain of was that I wanted to keep seeing her in whatever capacity I could.

Maybe the signs didn’t matter, and I didn’t love her. Couldn’t it be possible that I was just overcome with lust for her? I certainly did my fair share of lusting after her, so that seemed plausible enough. I closed my eyes, running my hands through my hair. I didn’t know anything anymore. If someone had told me a month ago that I’d be sleeping with one of my students, I would have laughed at the absurdity of the statement. But the fact remained that I was now having sex with a student on a regular basis, and it seemed that all logic and rationality had left me.

What the hell am I going to do?

Having no answer, I sat up and started cleaning up the broken glass from the wine bottle. I moved around the apartment on autopilot while tidying up the mess I’d made last night. After washing up, I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. Was I really in love with my student?

The doorbell rang, making my heart pound wildly in my chest.

Julia.

Ignoring my headache, I ran to the door and pulled it open, looking her over. She was wearing one of her ridiculous outfits and smudgy makeup, but it didn’t bother me. Impulsively, I pulled her into my arms. She seemed unharmed, but I had to be sure. I took a step back, running my hands over her arms, her back, and her neck, finally cupping her face in my hands.

“You’re OK, you’re OK,” I heard myself whisper before my lips captured hers.

She let out a surprised sound but kissed me back after a second. My arms encircled her and the kiss quickly increased in intensity. I heard her dropping something on the floor as she fisted her hands in my shirt and pulled me closer.

When I felt myself becoming aroused, I pulled back. It hit me with startling clarity that I had not intended for the kiss to become sexual. I had kissed her because I was relieved that she was all right and safe. I had kissed her because I was happy to see her. I had kissed her because…because I was in love with her.

I’m in love with Julia.

This was a nightmare. I was in love with the beautiful, unattainable girl in front of me and if I told her, she’d leave. She wanted none of my love. Groaning loudly, I dropped my head on her shoulder.

“Poor thing,” she said softly, rubbing my back. “Do you feel sick?”

Yes. Lovesick, apparently.

I nodded and felt her usher me into the living room, where she had me lie on the couch.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ve brought a few things to make you feel better.” I heard her walk back into the hallway to take off her coat and shoes before returning to my side. I opened my eyes and looked at her.

“Your eyes are all red,” she said, looking concerned.

“Yeah, I don’t feel very well.”

“Drink this.” She handed me a large cup with a straw. I knew better than to question anything that Julia offered me and took a large drink of the pink concoction.

“God, that’s good,” I said, taking another sip. “What is it?”

She smiled. “It’s a fruit smoothie—bananas, raspberries, some vanilla soy shit, and a little ginseng.”

“Thank you,” I said, smiling back.

“You’re welcome. Most people eat a bunch of greasy stuff when they’re hung over, but that’ll just give you an assquake.”

I threw my head back and laughed, even though it hurt.

Assquake! You’re so funny. I love you.

“Ow,” I moaned, holding my head after my laughter died down.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said. “Sit back and relax.”

I did as she told me, watching as she put on a movie and pulled a sandwich out of the bag she’d dropped in the hallway. I smiled when I saw that it was just like the one I’d had the first night we slept together.