A Broken Soul(81)

He regarded me skeptically. "You sure? Because you look like you're trying to drive your arm right through that bag. Won't be much use in a fire if you snap a bone working out."

Wrapping my arms around the bag to hold it steady, I dropped my forehead against it and worked to get my breathing under control before finally admitting, "It's Lilly. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, man. I'm going crazy."

"What about her?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "I thought you guys broke up."

"I don't even know if you can call what happened a breakup since we were barely together to begin with." And if I hadn't thought it was possible to feel worse than I already did, admitting that out loud just proved I was wrong.

"I'm not sure I'm following."

I sighed and moved from the bag, ripping the tape from my knuckles before grabbing my water bottle and downing several long gulps. "We were together …  we spent our free time with each other, we were sleeping together, but there wasn't a label, you know? I just …  I couldn't put a name on it when it came to that." Running my hands through my sweat-soaked hair, I dropped onto the bench across from him. "I cared about her …  still fucking do, more than I should. But she said she loved me and I freaked. Ended whatever it was we had. Then her dad died and I couldn't bring myself to stay away. She needed someone to lean on." I paused as the memory of her breaking down gutted me. "I wanted to be that person for her."

"So be that guy," Tony answered with a shrug, like it was the easiest thing in the world. And I guess it was, for a family man like him. Tony had a wife who adored him and two little kids. To him it probably seemed as simple as breathing.

"It's not that simple. I've got Sophia to think about." It was a bullshit excuse, even I knew that. I dropped my head and studied my hands, the gold of my wedding band glinted in the overhead lights. "I can't be the guy Lilly needs."

"And what is it you think she needs?" he asked after several seconds of silence.

"A forever guy," I replied honestly. "I can't be that. I'm too fucking broken. I had forever once, and I lost it. She deserves better than being the woman I call when I start feeling lonely. She deserves a guy who'll worship the fucking ground she walks on." Even as I said it, the thought of her with another man made me damn near murderous. How fucked up was that?

"That what you want?" At his question, my eyes darted from my ring to Tony. "You want her to find some other guy? You think that'll make what you're dealing with right now easier?"

"Fuck no," I growled in response, without thinking. It was purely instinctual.

"So, let me get this straight." Tony leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees as he studied me. "For the first time since your wife passed, you finally found a girl who caught your eye. Not only that, but you actually liked being with her."

I nodded, wondering where he was going with all this.

"So things start to develop between you two, and when she tells you she loves you, you freak, feel guilty because of Addy, and bail. But when something in her life knocked her down, you wanted to be the one she leaned on to get through the hard times, because despite feeling like you're cheating on the memory of your dead wife, you still want this girl. How am I doing so far?"

"Uncannily accurate," I grumbled and waited for him to finish his come-to-Jesus speech.

"Because you love her."

At that, I froze. It wasn't a question, it was a statement, and judging by the look on Tony's face, he felt pretty damn confident in it. As he should, because he was right. I was in love with Lilly. I'd known for a while now, but the realization did nothing to ease the turmoil rolling around inside of me.



       
         
       
        

"I do," I finally admitted out loud for the first time. "But I shouldn't. It's not right."

The look on his face was one I hadn't expected. I thought I'd have confused him, thrown him for a loop, but what I saw when I looked at him was understanding. He seemed to get it, which surprised to hell out of me.

And when he finally spoke, and revealed the truth behind that understanding in his eyes, I was floored. "You know, Sarah's not my first wife."

"What?"

He nodded as a wave of sadness passed over his face. "Yeah. I was married once before, right out of high school. She was … " he trailed off, seemingly lost in thought. "She was my everything. Never thought I'd have something like that with anyone else. Connie was it for me."