A Boy I Used to Love(8)

My heart, my mind, my soul, they were all stupidly greedy.

"Lacey," Bev said as she gently set her glasses down on her big desk. "We value you, your expertise. The way people draw to you."

"I'm done," I said. "I need a break. I can't do it anymore."

"How are you going to survive?"

I stood up and waved a hand. None of that was Bev's damn business. But if she wanted to know, all I did was work and save. I had my own accounts, my own money, and I never did anything for myself. When I was with Kyle, he and I had the picture-perfect relationship in terms of what we did together. He was a really good guy. But he loved the allure of the bachelor lifestyle, yet appreciated coming home to someone waiting. I'm not sure many women would have dealt with him like I did, but at the same time, what he gave me was exactly what I wanted.

It was all fake. A placeholder for the next thing. I just didn't know Kyle's next thing was going to be a trip to the grave. And my next thing? 

I left Bev's office after giving her my work phone and my badge, almost like a cop on a show being stripped of her duties. I left the building, got into my car, and knew I needed to see Jenny. I would be visiting now as a friend. I would keep my promise to her and tell her everything: why I went on a trip during a certain time of the year. Maybe she could shed some light onto my situation. Why I acted the way I did. Why I was such a fool over a guy …  hell, he was a boy. A boy I used to love. But he never got out of my heart. And I knew he was a man now, alive and well. Thanks to the internet, it was easy to see him. The boyish features that had somehow turned into a man. All man. Tattoos, bad boy eyes, strong arms, running his own business, living a life that looked so free. A life he swore he'd have.

A life he swore we'd have.

I didn't want to share the story because I lived the story in my mind every single day. But for Jenny, it was the least I could do.

When I pulled into the driveway, I got a gut-wrenching feeling. There were too many cars there. Way too many cars.

I hurried out of my car and met Jenny's oldest daughter - Angie - at the door. She was in tears. She was shaking her head.

"No," I said. "No, no, no, no … "

Angie touched her lips and nodded, shutting her eyes. Tears escaped, rolling down her cheeks.

I threw my arms around Angie. She had always been the toughest of Jenny's three kids. As the oldest, she took the most of the burden and that included hiding her emotions. But right then, Angie was able to let go. She burst into tears in my arms.

"When?" I whispered.

"This morning," Angie said as she cried. "Peacefully. That's what they keep telling me. No pain. No suffering. She just went."

I felt breathless for a few seconds.

This was the hardest part of my job. I knew what I was getting into when I took the job. But the reality was hard to swallow. I never got close to anyone like I did Jenny, either. And I was actually coming to visit her as a friend. To rely on her for some advice on what to do.

I found myself crying with Angie.

Angie held me at arm's length and took a breath. "We're a mess."

"I'm so sorry," I said. "I should be more professional."

"Don't worry about it. You were part of this family. What you did for the last couple years … "

"Angie."

"You kept her alive for us."

"She kept herself alive. She was tough. Stubborn. And she went the way she wanted. Not the way cancer wanted. That's a beautiful thing."

"It doesn't feel so beautiful," Angie said.

We both broke down again. Then came Jenny's other two kids - Jeremy and Ava. They insisted I stay as Jenny was taken from the house. I stood there and held all three of her kids. They were grown adults but it was me somehow holding all three of them. I held it together, but inside I felt ill.

After the scene attempted to calm a little, they begged me to stay for coffee. I did. Then they begged me to stay for something to eat. But that's where I drew the line. I couldn't impose on this family and their grieving. I couldn't guide them through it, either. They would have to stand tall on their own.

Outside the house, I found Jeremy and Ava sharing a cigarette.

"Is Ang coming?" Ava asked, eyes wide.

"No. Why?"

"She doesn't know we smoke," Jeremy said. "We stopped, but this … "

"I'm leaving," I said. "I have to get home. I …  I can't express … "



       
         
       
        

"No more sorry," Jeremy said. "She loved you, Lacey. So, we love you. Thank you for everything today, too. You didn't have to do all this. Sorry if we leaned on you a little more than we should have."