Surrender My Love(39)

“You’ll feel vindicated,” Lena said with a warm gaze. “It’s the victim mentality. I totally understand where you’re coming from, but if the kid didn’t crack then, why would he crack now? And his father will tear you apart if he finds out.”

Leesa sat back and sighed. “I’m already torn apart. I’m not afraid of his father, Lena. What else can he do? He can’t accuse me of anything more than his son already has.”

“I don’t know, but aren’t you worried that something will go wrong? And that whatever does go wrong will have an impact on the job they’re offering you in Baltimore?”

“Yes. I’m afraid everything will go wrong.” She tried to quell the fear filling her chest and stealing her confidence. “But I’m more scared of not doing it and of having to live the rest of my life wondering when someone’s going to recognize me and out me to—” She stopped short of saying Cole’s name, because she felt like he didn’t belong here, in this conversation, around this ugliness. “Everyone in my new life.”

New life. Did she have a new life? Had she made a decision to move? No, she surely hadn’t. At least she didn’t think she had, but she had definitely changed, and staying in Towson came with a slew of new realities she wasn’t sure she cared for.

They talked until Leesa was so sick of debating the topic that she almost began to question her own motives. She knew Lena was just watching out for her, and she was probably right to be worried, but Leesa held on to the thread of hope that this wasn’t going to be a mistake.

By the time she left Lena with promises to think it over and let her know if she decided to go through with it so Lena could be there to pick up the pieces afterward, she was trembling.

Instead of driving the three blocks to the library, she grabbed her books from the car and walked, hoping to work off the nervous energy that was making her stomach twist into knots. The street was busy with midday traffic, the sun was shining brightly, and Leesa’s mind was reeling. She was so focused on talking with Andy, she tripped over the steps leading up to the library.

“Annalise?” Chris crouched beside her and helped her pick up her books. “Are you okay?”

No. “Yeah.” She gazed into his kind eyes, and suddenly her throat tightened and she fought the urge to cry. What the hell? She sat on the steps with her books piled in her lap. “What are you doing here?”

“I have a meeting with Mrs. Long, the librarian. We’re discussing an after-school program.” He sat beside her on the steps. “The real question is, what are you doing here? In Towson, not at the library. I thought if you were going to take the job in Baltimore, you would have already done it. I thought you were gone for good.”

“Thought, or hoped?” She closed her eyes against her bitchiness. “I’m sorry. It’s been a stressful day.”

“I thought, not hoped, and it’s been a stressful couple of months. I’ve worried about you.” He held her gaze, his brown eyes full of empathy, without a hint of the lie she wanted to believe he was telling.

Chris was an honest man, and as she sat beside him feeling like the world was pressing down on her shoulders, she realized that his honesty was what had led him to break up with her, too.

“Yes, a stressful couple of months,” she agreed. “But I’m on the upside now, trying to rebuild my life.”

He shifted his eyes away, staring out at the street, his jaw clenching and unclenching. She knew he was thinking something over. Probably what he’d say next. She blew out a breath, readying herself for whatever it was. Sometimes honesty hurt. Damn, did it ever.

When he finally spoke, his tone was tender. “I’m truly sorry for everything. I should have stuck by you, but I was so worried about losing my job that I couldn’t see straight. And you were so wrapped up in it all, not leaving the house much, closing yourself off from everyone who was trying to support you…”

“I…I was…” She looked away, the truth in his words cutting like a fresh wound. She didn’t want to believe she’d pushed people away. Pushed him away? “I understand why you broke up with me.”

“Do you?” He reached for her hand, and she let him take it, knowing that this was part of the cleansing of her past she needed to endure. “Annalise, I loved you. I still love you. But I think we both know that when all that happened, we were already over.”

“Already over?” Where had she been in that decision?

His shoulders dropped and a look of disbelief filled his eyes. “Please don’t pretend that you don’t know what I’m talking about. I saw it in your eyes every time we were together.”

“Saw what, Chris? That I was beaten down by the accusation? That I didn’t know how to handle it? That being put on leave had torn my heart out?”

“After the accusation, yes, I saw all those things, but before it even happened, the way you looked at me…You weren’t fulfilled when we were together. You weren’t happy. You were content. I could never love you the way you wanted to be loved or the way you deserved to be loved.” He squeezed her hand.

“How can you say that? I was—”

“You were gracious and loving and the most incredible woman I’ll probably ever have the luck of being with. You accepted me for what I had to give. Two years is a long time. If all this hadn’t happened, you might have even married me, and I’d have been the luckiest guy on earth. But when all that stuff went down, I knew I had to let you go. I wasn’t strong enough to weather the storm, and trying to drag it out putting my career in jeopardy would have just led to resentment from both of us.”

He released her hand, and an uneasy smile curved his thin lips. “You’re the strongest woman I know, and it was a dick move to leave you when I did. I know that. But I knew you’d be fine.” His lips pressed into a thin line. “I also knew that if my career had suffered because of my affiliation with you, I wouldn’t have been fine. The truth is, you’re much stronger than I am. More resilient in everything you do, and I’m sorry for the pain I caused you.”

She wiped a tear from her cheek, trying to process what he’d said and realizing he was right. She was stronger than him. She always had been. In her heart, she must have known he wasn’t the right man for her all along.

“Your father would be so proud of you.” He pulled her into a hug, and her tears sprang free. “And he’d be ashamed of me.”

Her heart ached for her father, and hearing Chris say that about him pulled more sobs from her chest. She opened her mouth to dispute the last of his words, but nothing came out. Her father had known Chris as Leesa’s friend, but he’d never known him as her boyfriend. She didn’t know if her father would have been ashamed of Chris or not. She only knew that he was right; her father would be proud of her.

She finally pushed from his arms and wiped her tears, swallowing past the lump that clogged her throat. “I’m making you late.”

He smiled. “You always did.”

A soft laugh escaped her lips, and salty tears slipped into her mouth. She wiped her face, shaking her head. She did have a habit of making him late, and he’d never complained.

“I think my father would have been angry at your timing, but I think he would have been proud of you for having the strength to walk away, because I might never have.” Her heart sank with the admission. Now that she knew what real love felt like, how it consumed her thoughts, her body, mind, and soul, she realized that, if not for Chris’s ability to walk away, she might have lost out on true love forever.

Chris nodded at the books in her lap. “Want me to return those for you?”

She handed them to him and pulled out her wallet, her tears finally subsiding.

“They’re late.” She handed him money to pay for the late fees and he pushed the money back toward her.

“I think I can handle a few bucks.” He picked up his bag and said, “Are you taking over the Girl Power group again now that you’re back? Louise would be thrilled if you did.” Chris’s younger cousin Louise was part of the group.

“Not right now. I’m still not sure if I’m back for good or not.”

He arched a brow. “So you are thinking of moving away from Towson for good? You’d sell your dad’s house?”

She shrugged. “Maybe. I haven’t made up my mind yet.”

“Damn. Peaceful Harbor must be an incredible place to steal you away from your father’s house and the neighborhood where you grew up.”

It wasn’t the harbor that was pulling her in that direction. It was one amazing man, one incredible family, a host of new friends, and a chance at a very full heart.


***

COLE WALKED INTO Jon’s office carrying a stack of patient files.

“I’m surprised you waited a whole day,” Jon said with a laugh.

“To do what?” Cole set the files on Jon’s desk, knowing his friend was already clued in to his plan.

Jon arched a brow. “When are you leaving and how long will you be gone?”

Cole shrugged. “After work, and I have no idea. I don’t even know if she plans to stay there or come back, but I tried to give her space to handle it on her own and I nearly drove to Towson last night instead of going to Nate’s. Boy, was that a mistake. I should have gone to Towson.”