Sinful Nights(88)

She had been glad that the Goldbergs had organised so many social events  for them, otherwise she didn't know how she would have got through the  visit. It had been torture sharing that enormous bed with Jay each  night, knowing he was there so close to her, and yet knowing that he did  not want her.

Claire had learned a lot about herself in the last few days. She had  learned, for instance, that she was a woman who liked to touch. She  ached to touch Jay. To run her fingertips over his body, to find out if  that dark tangle of body hair felt as silky as it looked. She found  herself looking at his mouth sometimes, and wishing she could feel its  hard warmth against her own, against  …  against all of her, she admitted,  shuddering faintly as she felt the molten heat run through her body.

She had learned something else. She had learned that she was a  masochist; she must be, otherwise she would not torture herself with  these haunting images of what could never be. Jay did not even desire  her, never mind love her, she knew that-and she also knew that what had  happened in the past had made it impossible for her to give herself to a  man without mutual love. She wanted Jay's love; she wanted it  emotionally, mentally and physically. She wanted the moon. She looked  down at Heather who was sitting next to her, and saw trusting eyes  looking back at her from the little round face. A wave of love cramped  through her: Jay's child. How she would love to give Jay another child.  She bent down and gently kissed Heather's dark head. The little girl  hugged her back in wordless communication.

Why are you looking so sad, Mummy?'

Trust sharp-eyed Lucy to notice!

Oh, I'm not sad,' she lied, I'm just thinking.'

We'll have to go back to school next week, won't we?' Lucy chattered  on, and Claire forced herself to listen, glad of the diversion and yet  resenting the way Lucy turned confidingly to Jay, confident of his  interest and his care. She was actually jealous of her own child!  Bitterness rose in her throat and she had to look away.

The last thing she had expected when she married Jay was that she would  fall in love with him. Fate had played a very cruel trick on her indeed.





CHAPTER TEN


CLAIRE, AFTER DINNER tonight, when the children are in bed, I'd like to talk to you.'

Over the last two weeks she had barely seen Jay. Ever since their return  from Dallas, there had been a kind of armed and guarded tension between  them, an atmosphere unlike anything she had experienced before, but  which set her nerves on edge so much that she was steadily losing  weight.    

 



 

Jay didn't look too good either, she noticed, turning to look at him.  She had avoided doing that recently; it hurt too much. Now she saw that  there were deep grooves of tiredness carved along his face, and that his  tan had faded, leaving him looking almost sallow. Of course he had been  working hard-and late almost every night. They were busy, but she also  knew that he stayed away because he didn't want to come home.

What had happened to the comfortable, pleasant relationship they had  been building up before they went to Dallas? Her love had happened to  it, that was what. She had fallen in love with him, and now she was  unable to let herself relax with him because she was mortally afraid of  what she might betray.

But it wasn't just she who had changed. Jay had changed too: he had  become remote and withdrawn. Sometimes she found him watching her with a  brooding expression in his eyes, and she thought she knew the reason.  Whatever he might have said to her, or told himself, he still loved  Susie, and it had been that day when he held her in his arms and  realised that she was not his first wife that he had discovered this.  She was convinced of it.

Now, hearing him say that they needed to talk made her heart bump and  jolt with shock and fear. What was he going to say to her? She looked at  him out of the corner of her eye and saw that his face was wearing the  blanked-off, almost bitter look that had become so familiar to her  recently.

They've gone up to have their baths now,' she told him tonelessly. They were both tired tonight.'

Even so, it was over an hour before both girls were settled. I'll go down and make some coffee.'

Jay shook his head. I'll do that. You do enough.' His mouth compressed slightly. You go and sit down.'

She was too nervous to sit down, and instead she paced the sitting-room  floor nervously. Next week the workmen were due to start; she had shown  Jay the colour schemes she had chosen, but his response had been  abstracted and remote. Perhaps he was regretting giving her carte  blanche with the décor, and that was what he wanted to talk to her  about. Perhaps he had now decided that he wanted the house to remain as  it was-as Susie had decorated it.

When he came in with the coffee, Claire was staring unseeingly out of one of the windows.

Come and sit down.' His voice sounded rough and he looked tense.  Please come and sit down, Claire,' he amended, mistaking the reason for  her frozen stance. He ran impatient fingers through his hair and added  rawly, This is bad enough as it is. When we married I made you certain  promises and  … '

And now you're having second thoughts.' She marvelled at her own calm.  How cool and controlled she sounded; she was really quite proud of  herself. Inwardly she was awash with intense pain and agony. She knew  now what Jay wanted to say to her; he wanted to tell her that their  marriage wasn't working out, that he couldn't live with her any more  because she wasn't Susie.

How did you know?' He was frowning heavily and looked pale. I thought I'd  … '

Hidden how you feel?' She smiled mirthlessly. Some things can't be hidden, Jay.'

I see.' His voice was heavy. I hadn't realised you'd guessed how I  felt. Well, since you have, what do you suggest we do about it?'

What do I suggest? She stared at him. There's nothing I can do, Jay.'

For a moment he just stared back at her, and then his face tightened and  he was walking towards her, quickly and almost menacing, his whole body  taut with tension.

When his fingers curled round her arm she tried to jerk away, but he  wouldn't release her. Instead he shook her, the aura of suppressed  violence emanating from him so totally alien to his normal manner that  she couldn't take it in properly.

Nothing you can do? Nothing you will do, don't you mean?' he grated  bitterly. For God's sake, Claire, you must know what it's doing to me  living with you like this!'

Of course I know! Do you think I can't see the changes in you? But what  can I do? I can't bring her back for you, Jay! I can't be Susie.'

Susie?' He released her so quickly that she half stumbled against the sofa. What the hell are you talking about?'

His face had gone white with rage, the anger glittering in his eyes making her take a step back.

Jay, you know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the fact that  you're having second thoughts about our marriage because you've  discovered you still love Susie.'    

 



 

There was a long, long silence and then, speaking slowly and spacing the  words out as though he was having the greatest difficulty in forming  the words, Jay said thickly, I don't believe I'm hearing this. Are you  for real?' He shook his head. You're way, way off beam!'

But you agreed that you were having second thoughts  … '

About the terms of our marriage, not what happened in the past. I've  fallen in love with you, Claire,' he told her flatly, and I want you in  all the ways a man wants the woman he loves. I want to feel your skin  against my hands, I want to touch it with my lips, I want to spread your  hair out over my pillow and thread it through my fingers. Just the way  you turn your head is enough to burn me up, do you know that? I want  this, Claire,' he told her roughly, taking her in his arms and bringing  his mouth down hard on the softness of hers.

The kiss took her by surprise, her mouth tremulous and soft beneath his,  her tongue retreating shyly from the fierce invasion of his. She could  feel his heart thudding furiously against her body. She could feel the  tension in him-and the arousal, she acknowledged as she shook with shock  and disbelief.

Abruptly his mouth left hers and she was free. Free to stare wide-eyed  at him, to touch tremulous fingertips to her mouth. She saw his eyes  darken and a hot flush of colour burn along his face, and her stomach  lifted and plunged.

But you can't love me  … '

Why not?' he laughed hollowly. Because you don't love me? Life isn't like that, Claire.'

But you didn't love me when you proposed marriage.'

No,' he agreed, dragging in a lungful of air and fighting for  self-control. More calmly he continued, No, I didn't, but I did like  you very much, both as a woman and as a person. I liked your quick  intelligence, your interest in other people, your compassion, your  womanliness. A womanliness it seemed a miracle you had kept when I knew  what had happened to you. I saw the love and caring you gave Lucy, and I  wanted that caring for my own child-and then for myself. After Susie  left me I swore I'd never enter a permanent romantic relationship with  any woman again. I knew I couldn't put up with the sort of infidelity  and cheating I'd had with Susie. It was my own fault; I should never  have married her. I should have let her have her abortion and we should  have gone our separate ways, but I couldn't believe she meant it. I  couldn't believe she didn't want our child. I thought she was just being  independent and proud and that really she wanted marriage. I threatened  to tell her parents what she was planning to do if she didn't marry me,  and she never forgave me for that-or for making her have Heather. When  you told me how Lucy was conceived and how you felt about sex I knew  you'd never be unfaithful to me. I knew then that I desired you, but I  told myself I could control it. It was only later after we were married  that I realised I couldn't, and with that realisation came others, like  how much happiness and extra dimensionality you'd brought to my life;  like how eager I was to come home to you and the girls; before I knew  it, I'd made the transition from liking to loving  … '