Playing in Secret(36)

"No. He's not dead. He may be dying, but he's not dead. He would never  give up on either of you, so you fucking better not give up on him. Help  me!"

They're immediately next to me on the ground, tearing off their t-shirts  as I tear the sheet that's covering me. I don't care about being naked  underneath the small piece that's left. I don't care about anything,  except for keeping Matt alive. If he dies, then the old me will die  along with him. I'll come back to this place, and this time, it will be  for real.         

     



 

The paramedics come in and push us out of the way. And then they stop  and shake their heads. "He's alive." They just look at me like I'm  crazy, and right now, I probably am. I pick up a gun and check it for  bullets before pointing it at them. "He. Is. Alive."

They spring into action and start taking care of him. As they pull the  gurney away, I start to follow them. The local police stop me when they  see the gun in my hand, so I drop it and explain myself. I see the  ambulance pulling away, and try to run after it, but I'm too late.

"Come on, Rei, we'll get you there," Nate says.

"We have something for you, too," Aiden tells me.

"No. Not yet, Aid."

"Yes, Nate. It's time."

"The fuck it is. He's going to live. Matt won't give up, and I'm not giving up on him."

"We have to be realistic. Even if he lives, it won't be the same."

"He will live, but now you better give me whatever it is you think I need," I say, finally speaking up.

Nate looks at Aiden with a glare. "You give her yours, because I'm not having that on me when he wakes up pissed."

"She deserves it," Aiden says, pulling his wallet out and extracting a tiny envelope.

He hands it to me, and I see the word "Princess" in Matt's handwriting.  Leave it to him to insult me even in written form. I open it as I get  into the backseat of the Jeep Nate leads us to.

Reina,

If you're reading this, I'm either dead, or close enough to it that Nate  or Aiden felt it was the right time to give this to you. I wish I was  brave enough to tell you the things you're about to read, but I'm not.  My two biggest regrets in life are pushing you away all those years ago,  and doing the thing that made me push you away. What you'll read will  either make you hate me more, or love me more. Either way, I need you to  understand something. I love you. More than any person on this Earth  has ever loved another. I'll love you even after I take my last breath  because life and death have no power over the love I feel for you.  Hopefully, what you find here will show you that:

Email address: [email protected]

Password: the date we first met

Yours forever,

Matt

"Give me a phone."

"We may not have service," Nate says.

"Stop stalling me and give me a god damn phone or I'll jump out of this Jeep and find someone else who will help me."

Aiden shares a look with Nate, and then hands me his phone. I bring up  the browser and almost cry when I see the two bars. I click on Google,  log Aiden out, and then log into the account Matt gave me. What I see  brings those tears I was trying to hold back-thousands of emails, the  last one dated yesterday. I go to the oldest page and see that the first  one is from over eleven years ago. On the day that Matt broke my heart  for the first time. I take a deep breath, and click on it, both hopeful  and scared of what I'm about to learn.





Chapter 1


Reina,

I did something today. Something I don't think I can live with. It was  an accident, but that makes it even worse. I was with my unit when we  were attacked, and I started shooting at everything, everywhere. And I  hit him-I shot an innocent man. A man who has a family, a wife and two  small children. I don't know why he walked into that intersection where  he must have heard the guns. Maybe he thought he could help, even though  he didn't have a weapon. His wife said that he was a good man, one who  was opposed to the war. I went to see her and promised to provide for  her and their children for the rest of their lives. I know it can't make  up for what I did, but I had to do something. She said she doesn't  blame me, but how can that be true? I killed her husband. I KILLED him.  My C.O. says I need to stay quiet about it, that it would be bad press  if it got out, but that's not right. People should know. You should  know. I can't tell you, though. Not ever. I wouldn't survive having you  look at me like the monster I know I am. I'm not sure I'll be able to  survive living the rest of my life without you, but I have to. I can't  have you anymore. I don't deserve happiness, and everything about you  makes me happy. I'm going to break up with you. It's going to break me,  but I have no choice. I'll never be able to call you My Beautiful Queen  again, and I'll never get to hold you or make love to you. Someone else  will get to do those things while I stay away and love you from afar.  There will be no one else for me, because I've already had the best.

I love you,

Matt



I can't wait to get home and check my email. Today is the day I get my  email from Matt. He never misses a week, and I live for those words from  him. I can't wait until he can come home again-I'm going crazy waiting  for him. Reading his emails and knowing he's missing me, too, is what  keeps me going.         

     



 

I rush through the door to the apartment Jane Corrigan put me in, and  turn on my computer. I could've used one at the Foundation, but I like  to be alone when I read the words of love Matt sends me. We don't write  anything scandalous, but our words are still intimate, meant only for  each other.

I bring up my email and smile when I see the notification from him. The  smile falls from my face as I read the words he's written. No. This  isn't right. Matt loves me. He told me he loves me, and he's said it in  every email since he left. He wouldn't want to see other women. He  couldn't. But it's there on my screen, the letters blurring as I view  them through my tears. No matter how many times I read them, they still  say the same thing.

I think we should see other people. I'm sorry, Reina. It's really not you. Take care of yourself, Matt.

I straighten my spine, and force myself to stop crying. I'm not some  silly girl anymore. I'm a member of the Society, and I can get through  this. Even though I know I'll have to see Matt because of Jane, I'll  survive. If I mean so little to him, then I'll make him mean nothing to  me. I don't know how, but I will



Three days ago

Reina

I'm practically skipping as I enter the Corrigan & Co. building.  Last night, Matt finally admitted that he loves me. We made love for  hours after that, and he let me sleep in while he got up to go into  work. I should be able to catch him for lunch if I hurry.

One of the security guards stops me before I get on the elevator. "Mrs.  Corrigan, your husband asked me to have you meet him in his office the  minute you arrived."

"Thank you," I tell him with a smile.

I take the elevator up, straightening my white sweater dress a little.  It's got a cowl neck and a long skirt, and I feel pretty and feminine in  it. I usually dress to intimidate, but today I just wanted to dress  like a wife. A wife who's loved.

Matt's secretary waves me through, and I walk in, prepared to molest my  husband. That plan goes out the door when I see that he's not alone. One  of the Corrigan attorneys is standing at the side of his desk.

"Hi," I say to the man while I look at Matt, who won't look back at me.

"Hello, Reina. Are you ready to sign your life away, literally?"

"Excuse me?"

"It's been one year today. I have the divorce papers ready for you to sign. Matt's done his part already."

"You signed them?" I ask Matt. He doesn't answer me, but I see it on his face. He did it. "You signed them."

"Of course he signed them. This was a marriage of convenience after all. Here's your pen."

I don't remember my legs moving, but I'm all of a sudden standing next  to him, holding my hand out. Convenient? No. Nothing about this past  year has been convenient. Frustrating, hopeful, sad, fun, and sexy, but  not convenient.

I take the pen and sign all the places he tells me to. "Congratulations.  I just need to file these, and then there's the waiting period, but  you'll be officially free of each other soon."

I drop the pen onto the floor and walk out. I hear people greeting me,  and I force myself to answer as I make my way to the Foundation. I  manage to smile for Alex to tell her I need a little time alone to go  over some files. I walk at a normal pace to my office, but once I close  the door, it's all over.

I use voice controls to turn off the cameras and listening devices, and  then I sink to the floor. I scream and cry, and then I destroy. I throw  our wedding picture into the wall, and then go to work on everything  else. Everything but my desk. I need my computer, but the rest of the  office looks like a tornado came through. It's not enough.