Instead of You(38)

     



 

So with my papers spread out, book open wide, and earphones plugged in, I set out to finish the last few things I was tasked with. The time flew by and the focus came easily. I let out a breath and slumped back into my chair, taking a moment to look around.

What I hadn't told Hayes, what I'd kept to myself while I watched him struggle with his mother and battle the darkness right along beside her, was that the same day Cory had gotten his acceptance letter to Central Florida University so had I. So when I looked around the coffee shop, I imagined myself there in a year, in two years, three even, and I could picture myself spending countless nights at this very table. I pictured Holly and Becca with me, because they'd gotten in too, but the image of Hayes was blurry.

We'd been clinging to each other for the past few weeks, simply grasping on to each other so fiercely we'd never really loosened our hold to look around to try and see if we even really fit together.

From behind me I heard a knocking and when I turned I saw Hayes's smiling face on the other side of the window. He looked tired, but also happy. He walked to the door then headed straight for me.

"Hey," he said, a little out of breath, but bent to press a kiss to my mouth just before taking the empty seat across from me.

"Hi." I smiled at him, warmth spreading through me. Being seen in public was still a novelty, so to have him kiss me in front of other people was something I wasn't used to. It was the best.

"Get a lot of work done?"

I slammed my textbook closed for emphasis and said, "Finished."

"With everything?"

"One hundred percent caught up."

"That's amazing, Kenz."

I shrugged. "I'm just glad it's done." I watched him run a hand through his hair and he let out a sigh. "How was the meeting?" He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.

"Pretty much the same as the last one. We talk about what's going well, talk about issues we have and get advice from each other."

"Sounds helpful." I had no idea what else to say. He was a graduate student and I hadn't even made it through high school yet. I had no words of wisdom on how to best approach anything he was dealing with.

"The meetings are required. At the beginning of the program it was really helpful to have a group of people tackling the same issues as you were, and an experienced mentor to help guide the way. But I kind of feel like if you don't have it by now, you were never going to get it." He shrugged as if teaching were like riding a bike, or learning how to surf. That, perhaps, it didn't take a special kind of person to stand in front of a room full of teenagers and try to make them care about something like World War II. "The best part of the meetings is when the advisor leaves to go home and the grad students all go out for a beer afterward." A smile crept over his face as he said the words and there was a flutter in my belly.

"Did you want to go meet up with them? I can just stay here, or go back to your place. Is David home? He could let me in … ." I let my words trail off, hoping Hayes would jump in and tell me what he wanted.

"David won't be home tonight. I told him we were coming so he is staying with Kristen."

I felt the flush move up my neck and over my face, warmth spreading all over me. "Oh" was my only response.

"Is that okay with you? I mean, I've gotten beers with my cohorts twice a month for almost a year. I'd rather just go home and be with you."

"That's perfect." I packed up my things, trying to ignore the nervous flipping in my belly. I stood, attempting to sling my messenger bag strap over my shoulder, but Hayes took the bag from me, and then grasped my hand, his fingers twining through mine while his thumb traced circles on the back.

We walked out of the coffee shop, hand in hand, and the smile on my face had never been as wide or as embarrassingly obvious.

"Where'd you park?" he asked, looking at me. His ridiculous smile matched mine. It was hard to believe we were just walking down the street, holding hands, as if it were the easiest and most normal thing ever. And, in fact, it was. I thought for a moment about how my mother knew about us, and how we were just one step closer to being this normal couple. For just one instant, just that one flittering moment in time, I had hope. Hope for Hayes and me, that we'd have many more nights of walking down the street holding hands, not hiding from anyone, not having to tamp down our love.

"Just around the corner," I whispered, leaning into his side, wrapping my free hand around his bicep, keeping step with him. When we made it to his Mustang he led me to the passenger side and then opened the door for me. Before I climbed in, he pulled me toward him, pressing my hand wrapped in his against the small of my back, and covered my mouth with his. It was a slow and sweet kiss, but people were walking past us on the sidewalk, the streetlight above us illuminated the somewhat chaste kiss, and that was exciting.         

     



 

"I missed you," he said before his lips were entirely disconnected from mine. I pressed my lips to his again, firmer, with more force. I heard him inhale sharply, then he moved into me, pressing me back against the car. I heard my bag hit the passenger seat and just after he released my hand from his, he was cupping my face. He kissed me hard, and I let him take the lead, let him give me whatever he wanted.

"I'm right here," I said between breaths, between lips and kisses and touches. He pulled away and we were both panting, clinging to each other.

"It feels so right to be with you. But it's so right, so perfect, I sometimes feel as though it's temporary. Like a bright, hot-burning star. The brighter the star, the shorter the lifespan." He rested his forehead against mine, running the back of his fingers down my cheeks and over my neck. "I'm afraid you're going to slip through my fingers."

"Then hold on to me tightly." It could have been an off-the-cuff remark, could have just been the silly reply in the heat of the moment. But, no. I begged him. My hands came up to grip his wrists. "Please, whatever you do," I said, my voice still a soft panic. "Don't let me slip away."

He kissed my forehead, breathing me in, then pulled back. "Let's go." I stared up into his eyes for a moment, then slid away from him and climbed into the car. The drive to his apartment was quiet, but his hand was wrapped in mine the whole way there. My main focus was the future. We had to have a future. We needed to make plans. I knew if we sat down and discussed what would come next, it would ease my mind a little.

Once inside his apartment, I watched as he looked through a stack of his mail then walked to his fridge. "Do you need anything? Water? I've got beer, too. Nothing else, really." He looked at me sheepishly.

"I'm fine. But, do you think we could sit and talk for a minute?"

He closed the fridge and gave me a concerned look. "Sure. Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, I just have a few things to tell you." I tried my best to give him a confident smile, but on the inside I was being torn up from all the nerves. He led me to his bedroom and we sat on the edge of his bed. I couldn't help but glance behind me, looking at the place we'd been together the last time he'd brought me here. Memories of that night flooded my brain and I could feel my cheeks blushing. His fingers gently gripped my chin and he brought his eyes level with mine.

"Don't fade out on me now, Kenz. What's up?"

I took in a deep breath and then decided to just spit the words out. "I got accepted to Central Florida University, and I just wanted you to know. I don't know exactly what your plans are for next year, or the next four, but it looks like I'll be here. I'm not expecting anything from you, but I'm hoping there's a way to make this work because I'm not ready to give you up just yet."

His fingers tightened on my chin slightly, not allowing me to look away from him. "You got your college acceptance letter? Babe, that's amazing. I'm so proud of you." He leaned in and kissed me gently, his hand moving from my chin to cup the back of my neck. "That's a big deal, McKenzie." His words were warm and sincere, and I let out a small breath of relief. "You're going to love it here."

"What does this mean for us?" I asked with more bravery than I realized I had. "Whatever your answer is, I'll accept it. But I can't sit on your bed kissing you if I don't know what's happening down the road."

"You're going to go to school here and I'm going to try to find a job here. Nothing will change, Kenzie, except that we'll be able to really be together."

"What if you can't find a job here? What if the only job you can get is far away?"

"We can't think about the what-ifs, babe. You asked me what my plans were, and the only thing I see in my future is you. I'll stay in my apartment, you'll live in the dorms with your girlfriends, and next year is going to be great. The best year of your life, I bet." He played with a loose tendril of my hair, then said, "We just have to be sure to always make our relationship a priority. You're going to get busy, and I'm definitely going to get busy, but we need to try to remember us, right now, worried we'll grow apart, and make sure it doesn't happen."





Chapter Twenty-four

Hayes

A loud buzzing noise woke me, startling me from sleep. Kenzie's warm body was draped over mine, our legs intertwined, her face resting on my chest. It was the best way to wake up-aside from the buzzing. I gently eased out from under her limbs, trying hard not to wake her. I made it off the bed and she rolled away from me, her hair trailing across my pillow, bare back on display, blanket only covering her from the waist down. It was practically every fantasy I'd had since I was twenty-to wake up next to McKenzie Harris. To be allowed to see her uncovered and bare. The gift she gave me every time I was allowed to touch her, to be with her, was something I'd never be able to repay her for or give back to her. The simple gift of her was priceless.