Instead of You(35)

     



 

It was all so much more than I ever could have hoped for. More than I deserved, I was sure.

I took a deep breath, loving the way her hair smelled mixed with the scent of me on her. I wanted her to smell like me all the time. She stirred, her body moving against mine, and I watched the moment she realized what I had: that we were together. She smiled and then rolled over to face me.

"Hey," she whispered, smiling that brilliant fucking smile I loved, the sunlight painting her shoulders.

"Hey," I replied before leaning forward and kissing her. "How do you feel?"

She shrugged, blushed, and then said, "Wonderful."

My heart leapt at her word, but I wanted a real answer. "How do you really feel?" I asked, running my nose along the bridge of hers.

"I haven't moved much, so I'm not sure. For now, I'm okay. Thank you." She pulled away slightly and I watched as her eyes drifted down to my chest. "Last night was so perfect, Hayes. No matter what happens, or where we go from here, I just want you to know that. It was everything I hoped it would be."

I used my finger to tip her chin back up to me. "Kenz, baby, I'm glad you enjoyed it." I grimaced at my own words, stroking my finger behind her ear to capture some of her hair. Enjoyed was a terrible word to use to describe what we'd shared. I hadn't enjoyed being with McKenzie-I was whole, for the first time in my entire life. I hadn't even realized I'd been walking around with a part of myself missing, but I had. Being with her was like beginning again. Everything was new. The feel of her skin against mine was like nothing I'd ever experienced. The gratitude I felt for the gift she'd given me was overwhelming. Everything was different. "But this isn't the end. This is just the beginning." She smiled at my words then pressed in close again.

We'd never bothered to put our clothes back on and there was something soothing about lying naked with McKenzie while the morning sun filtered in through the window. I trailed my hand up and down her spine, and eventually I fell asleep again.

When I woke McKenzie was missing from my bed, but I heard the shower running. I rolled over, stretching, feeling the strain of a few muscles I hadn't used in a while, groaning about the use of them the night before. I wanted nothing more than to sneak into the shower with her, but the need to protect her overruled my wants. I didn't want to hurt her.

Instead, I snuck into David's room to use his bathroom, and then started a pot of coffee. Coffee was just about all there was in the house. David always spent a lot of time at Kristen's, and since I'd been gone, the fridge was bare.

When Kenzie emerged from the hall with only a towel draped around her, it was all I could do to continue sipping from my mug and not throw her over my shoulder and march back into my bedroom. She walked straight toward me, stopping only when our chests were pressed together. I put my mug down on the counter and placed my hands on either side of her neck while her arms wrapped around my waist.

"Hey," she said, a dreamy smile on her face.

"Hey." I let my thumbs smooth a trail over her jaw.

"I love you." Her words were soft and it looked as though saying them made her almost as happy as hearing them made me.

"I love you too." She moved in closer, resting her cheek on my chest, so I wrapped my arms around her and pressed a kiss to her hair, which smelled like my shampoo. Then I pictured her in my shower, using my shampoo, and I knew we had to get moving or else I really would drag her back to my bed. "Feel like grabbing some breakfast somewhere and then heading back home?"

She tilted her head back to meet my eyes. "Do we have to go back?" Her lips moved into a pout and I'm sure she didn't mean it as such, but it was sexy as hell.

"Unfortunately." My mind wandered to my mom and I hoped she was doing okay with Mrs. Harris. "We can come back soon. We'll figure something out."

She sighed and then rested her face against me once more. "I can't wait until we can just be open about everything. I hate having to hide from everyone. I love you too much to keep it to myself."

I cupped my hands around her face, making sure her eyes were looking into mine when I spoke. "In a few months, when I'm done teaching here, and you're out of high school, and my mom's better, we'll be able to act just like any other couple. It's complicated now, but I wouldn't trade last night for the world, McKenzie. Maybe we had to drive two hours away, and maybe we had to bend the truth to a few people, but being able to hold you in public, to kiss you, dance with you, to take you home to my apartment and make love to you, that was worth everything to me."         

     



 

"Just a few more months?"

"Then it'll be different," I promised.

"Okay," she whispered. I kissed her, softly but deeply, and then we both got ready to head back to reality.



Still not wanting to be apart, we figured her mom wouldn't be too suspicious if we told her McKenzie had called and asked me for a ride home from her sleepover. And we were all prepared to tell her mom our fabricated story when we got to my house, but instead we were met with a worried Mrs. Harris.

"I'm glad you're home," she said as soon as I put my bag down by the door. "I was just about to call you."

"What's wrong?" I asked, my panic striking fast and hot.

"Everything was good overnight. We even played some cards and watched a movie. We went to bed and I thought we'd had a good time. But now, I went to check on her and she won't talk to me. Won't even acknowledge me. I don't know what happened."

I looked back at McKenzie, who'd stopped just inside the door, hoping to get some invisible strength from her. She looked just as worried as I felt and I wanted to feel her arms wrapped around me, her voice whispering in my ear that everything was going to be all right. Instead, I turned and walked down the hallway toward my mother's bedroom.

I knocked gently on her door, but then pushed it open. She was sitting in the rocking chair she'd placed by the bay window when my brother had been born. We'd heard the stories a million times about how he was a terrible sleeper, so she'd rocked him in that chair all night sometimes, because it was the only place he would sleep.

"Mom?"

If she heard me, she didn't respond. She was just rocking back and forth, staring out the window, eyes lost and unfocused. My eyes scanned the room, looking for any hint as to why she'd had such a drastic setback in just a few short hours. On my father's side of the bed, atop the things he'd usually left there but would never come back for, lay a piece of paper with creases in it, as if it had been folded and inside an envelope. I walked over to it, picked it up, and started reading. I'd only made it one sentence in when it all became clear.

Dear Cory Wallace,

Congratulations! On behalf of the faculty and staff at Central Florida University, it is with great pleasure that we inform you of your admission … .

I didn't need to read any more.

Kneeling down next to her, I placed my hand on her knee, hoping to break whatever trance she was in. It didn't. In fact, for the next twelve hours my mother seemed nearly catatonic. She rocked in her chair, but wouldn't talk, wouldn't acknowledge anyone else in the room. When the sun went down, I'd gone to check on her and found her in her bed, still awake, but still silent.

McKenzie and Mrs. Harris eventually left. I think McKenzie wanted to stay, to help me with my mother, but Mrs. Harris told her, "Everyone needs some space." I didn't want to think about what would happen if she had caught on to us-if she'd somehow figured out we'd spent the night away together-but those words stuck with me, lodged themselves in the back of my mind, just something else to worry about. When she left, McKenzie wrapped her arms around my neck, hugging me, and I tried to hug her back in the most platonic way possible, knowing her mom was watching us, examining us. But what I wouldn't have given for five minutes alone with her. Just five minutes to feel her and let her comfort me. To just hold her.

Over the next few days, it felt as though we were back at square one. We were on a cyclical loop of mom sleeping, eating, and then sleeping some more. In the middle of the night I'd hear her crying, and I'd check on her. But there was nothing I could do. I'd lost her to the grief again. Everyone was worried, but we were hoping she'd pull out of it again, just like she had before. We just didn't need any more setbacks.

Unfortunately, each night got progressively worse.





Chapter Twenty-One

McKenzie

It was lunchtime, Tuesday, and I hadn't had a moment alone with Hayes since we got back from Bellingham. He'd been dealing with his mom, and my parents both kept me away, afraid that in her grief Mrs. Wallace would lash out at me again.

I looked over my shoulder, stupidly paranoid that someone would see me walking toward the practice rooms and become suspicious. I made it into the equipment room, fairly confident no one had seen me enter, and stood next to the door with the lights off. I pulled out my phone to send a text to Hayes.

*Can you meet me in the equipment room?**

It took an agonizing three minutes before he responded.

**I'll be there in a few.**         

     



 

Time stood still until I heard footsteps coming down the hall. I held my breath when the door opened. It would be easy enough to explain why I'd be in the room with the lights off; I could tell whoever it was I had a headache. But I was a terrible liar, so I hoped it was Hayes.