Instead of You(41)

"How'd it go?"

"They decided I wasn't a threat to myself or anyone else. I'm being moved out of ICU soon. But I have to stay one more night for observation."

I walked around her bed and sat in the chair just next to her. I leaned forward, exhausted, and rested my elbows on my knees, bringing my chin to rest on my clasped hands.

"Mom?" I finally said.

"Yeah, baby?"

"Will you tell me what happened?"

She held my gaze for a few moments before she eventually looked away. I didn't know what was going to come next, if she was going to tell me or push it away. It felt as though we were in limbo, unable to go anywhere from there, unable to move forward unless something changed.

"Before I explain everything, I want you to know that I never wanted to die." Her words were strong and clear. In fact, they were the strongest words I'd heard her speak since we lost Cory and Dad. The strength in her voice surprised me, made me sit up straight, made every sleepy part of me wake up and listen. "It's been difficult, Hayes. I hope you never feel the kind of loss I've been wading through. Every day I feel guilty for checking out on you, but I couldn't find a way past the grief." She took in a deep breath, and then continued. "I was feeling a little better, trying to move through my days without getting lost in the sadness, but then Cory's acceptance letter came and it was another setback. Another part of his life he'll never get to live because of the actions of one person. It's not fair." Her voice, although still strong and loud, cracked at that point, and I fought the urge to go to her, to hold her close and tell her I didn't need to hear anything else, if only to spare her the pain of explaining it to me.

"With the wave of grief came more nightmares, and Hayes, I promise you, I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to sleep without images of Cory bleeding on the floor of a convenience store, or picturing the fear in his eyes before he was shot, or imaging what he'd look like on his wedding day, what his children would look like. I wanted one night where I could sleep in peace."

A tear slid down her cheek and she wiped it away, seemingly determined to continue. I didn't dare interrupt her.

"I took a sleeping pill, but the thoughts wouldn't stop. They wouldn't let me be. So I took another. That one managed to put me to sleep, but I just remember waking up from a nightmare, crying, and wanting to just sleep. I'm so tired, Hayes. So tired. So, I took two more. I think. I think it was two more. But, honestly, it could have been more. I'm not sure." Her eyes darted up to meet mine then, red rimmed and wet, but so completely clear and focused. "I never wanted to die, Hayes. I just wanted one night of not feeling. One night of numbness. I just wanted to sleep. I promise."

She finally broke down and cried. I stood from my chair and wrapped my arms around her, holding her as her body shook from the sobs. I'd seen my mother cry a lot over the last few months. But she'd always been crying from the loss of her husband and son. This was the first time she'd cried because she was acknowledging her grief and recognizing the fact that it was unhealthy.

For that reason, I cried along with her.





Chapter Twenty-Six

McKenzie

Three days had passed since I'd seen Hayes. The last time was in the waiting room at the hospital. I'd been so confused by that person. The one who wouldn't let me stay and help, wouldn't let me try and comfort him. But my mom dragged me out of the waiting room and then fretted over me the rest of the day.

Those hours we'd sat in the waiting room had been painful at first, not knowing what was happening or if Mrs. Wallace was going to be all right. My mom was frazzled, coming down hard on herself for not checking on her sooner. So, in an effort to distract ourselves, we started talking about anything but Mrs. Wallace.

That meant we talked about Hayes.

I told my mom everything. Everything. From the beginning. Starting at fourteen when Hayes was my best friend's cute older brother, to our first kiss at Cory's party, to where we stood that day, and everything in between. The best part was my mom listened, understood, and didn't pass judgment. I didn't get a lecture on getting involved with someone so soon after Cory's death, and I didn't even get a lecture about it being his brother. She just listened and then comforted me in her mom way.

"I was worried you wouldn't accept a relationship between Hayes and me," I'd said, sitting in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room.         

     



 

"Why, sweetie?"

"Ever since I could remember, you and Mrs. Wallace had been pretty clear you wanted Cory and me together. Being with Hayes seemed like it would be off-limits."

"McKenzie, Chelsea and I had the same dream every woman has with her best friend-that their kids will grow up and fall in love. But if you hadn't been with Cory, it wouldn't have mattered. What matters most, to Chelsea and to me, is that our kids are happy. If Hayes makes you happy, then I'll love him like I would have loved anyone who treated you right."

I let out a sigh, my head falling back to rest against the chair. "I hope Mrs. Wallace feels the same way."

"McKenzie, Chelsea loves you. She loved you with Cory, and she'll love you with Hayes. It might shock her, she might be surprised, but I really think she'll be grateful you'll still be a part of her life."

Later, when we'd gone home, she'd baked me cookies, fed me ice cream, and watched a Twilight marathon with me.

Saturday and Sunday passed with only one-word texts from Hayes, and I tried desperately to understand his situation, to think about how he must have been feeling and what he was dealing with. But every text I got from him that said, "Good," or "Fine," made me more nervous. He wasn't good or fine. I knew he wasn't. It wasn't possible.

Mrs. Wallace had texted my mom Saturday afternoon saying she'd been released from the hospital, but that she and Hayes needed a bit to settle in before they got visitors.

I was a mess. Hayes pushing me away had me feeling insecure and useless. But my mom was handling the situation like a pro, constantly telling me that they needed their space to heal-especially Mrs. Wallace-and that's what got me through until Monday.

I'd been on pins and needles all day, knowing that when last period came around, I'd get to see him. I wouldn't get to talk to him, to hold him, or kiss him, but I'd be able to look him over and gauge how broken he was. I'd get to use my eyes on him for a whole period, and at that point, I'd take whatever I could get.

The day dragged on and every class felt as though it took twice as long as normal. When it finally came time for the last period, I was practically sprinting.

I walked into the room and didn't see him, but that wasn't unusual so I took my seat and waited. And waited. When the bell finally rang and Hayes was nowhere in sight, I panicked as Mr. White walked to the front of the class.

"Due to unfortunate circumstances, Mr. Wallace will no longer be able to finish out the term here with us. We wish him the best and I know he'll succeed with whatever endeavors he pursues in the future. Now," he said, turning back to his desk, "Please open your text books to page 411, and we'll pick up where Mr. Wallace left off."

Never had words turned me cold like those. Never had I suddenly felt as though stones lined my stomach, as if I were tied to my desk and unable to move. My lungs were heavy, making it hard to breathe, and my heart was pounding as though I'd just run a marathon.

Hayes wasn't here.

Hayes wasn't coming back.

Then, suddenly, the weight lifted and I ran. If Hayes wasn't there, then I wasn't supposed to be there either. At least, that was the logic that had me sprinting out of my last period class, leaving everything behind.

I ran all the way home, stopping for nothing. The adrenaline pumping through my system was enough stamina to keep me going, even when the rain set in halfway there. I came up on my house, but I still didn't stop. I kept running until I saw Hayes's house, and when I turned that final corner, my eyes landed on Hayes himself.

Loading boxes.

Into a moving van.

That image alone stopped me in my tracks.

He didn't see me right away and continued to load a few more boxes. I was standing just down the street in front of his neighbor's house, watching. Finally, he came out of the truck, down the ramp, turned to walk into his garage, and spotted me. We stood there for a few heavy seconds, staring at each other through the rain, before he started toward me.

"Kenz," he said as he neared me. "I'm glad you're here. I've been meaning to call you."

I wanted to tell him I'd had my phone in my hands for three days waiting to hear from him, to tell him that he should have called, that I'd been worried sick about him, but I didn't. "How's your mom?"

"They released her Saturday, and we're just trying to move forward. She'll be fine, eventually."

We were both quiet for a moment, neither one of us seeming to notice the rain falling heavily down on us. Finally, I had to speak. "What's with the moving van?"         

     



 

Hayes turned to look back at his driveway, as if he'd forgotten there was a U-Haul there, forgotten he'd just been inside of it. When he turned back to me his face was pained and he looked as though the words bubbling up in his throat were hurting him.

"My mom wants to sell the house. We're going to hire movers to come and pack up most of the stuff. I'm just loading the things she wants to take with us."