Falling into Surrender(15)

When I wake again, I reach for my cell phone, anxiety blooming in my  chest. It's 8:00 pm and Gabriel will be home by now. But when I flip  open the phone, the only texts I find are from Trevor and Alanna. My  heart sinks as my mind confirms this is what I'd been expecting all  along.

I call Alanna back, giving her a brief rundown of the day's events, and  she agrees to take me out to get my mind off everything. I hang up with a  satisfied smile on my face, knowing exactly where I want to go.

Alanna arrives an hour later, and she's brought Trevor with her. They  both glance at my sexy black dress and then at each other before  ushering me out the door. When we get to the Club, Alanna just throws  her head back in laughter.

"Oh Victoria, you are such a saucy little minx, aren't you! I know  exactly what you're doing now …  and I have to say it's brilliant!"

I smile weakly at her. My intentions are completely transparent because I  used Gabriel's name to get in. They will have to call him and confirm  it, alerting him that I'm here. But I don't care. The immature child in  me wants him to be jealous. To feel something …  anything.

One hour and three shots later, I'm tearing it up on the dancefloor when  he arrives. He watches from the front bar, looking sexy as hell in dark  wash jeans and a black tee shirt. The people around him have parted  like the red sea, but he doesn't take notice. He's looking down at me,  and I can't really read his expression. It faintly resembles …   disappointment. I realize I don't think I've ever seen that look on his  face before, and it tears me apart. Before I can wrap my head around it,  he turns to leave …  without saying one word.         

     



 

Without a second thought, I run after him, confusion and horror warring inside of me.

"Gabriel!"

He stops and slowly turns around to face me, making sure to keep his distance.

"Victoria, I think … " His voice cracks and his eyes are dark and sad  again. "I'm leaving for a business trip tonight. I will be gone for a  few days. I would like you to return to the apartment, I don't like you  staying in a hotel. When I get back, then we can discuss all of this."

"Tonight?" I croak. "That doesn't even make any sense. It's already  nearly ten, where could you possibly be going? And you never said  anything, until now?"

"Victoria, it's for the best," he mutters. "I think we could both use a  break before either one of us says something else we'll regret."

I try my best to steel myself as I stare up into his eyes, preparing for  the inevitable heartbreak. "Gabriel, if you don't want me anymore, just  say it. No point dragging it out. You don't have to feel responsible  for me, I can stand on my own two feet. I can get all my stuff and be  out of your hair by tomorrow."

He cuts me off by pulling me close and giving me a chaste kiss on my  lips. His hand brushes against my cheek as he steps back, and I  instinctively lean into it.

"Victoria, I love you," he says. "I never said I don't want you, but I just …  need some time right now."

"Time for what?" I demand. "Why are you doing this to me? Is it because  you feel differently about me now? Are you not attracted to me, what is  it? Tell me what I need to do to fix this."

I'm getting hysterical, I know it, but I don't care. Gabriel doesn't  answer any of my questions. He doesn't give me any false hope as he  turns and leaves without another word.





Chapter Eleven

Victoria





Time passes slowly in his absence. It hurts to breathe, to even move,  and I don't know how I'm going to survive this. Just when I thought I  could finally be free, everything is being torn away from me again. I  feel like the universe is playing some sick joke on me, and I want to  scream. To break something, anything. But I don't.

He doesn't call. And I'm back in the apartment, but I don't know why.  Everything inside of me is telling me to go, but I need answers first.  So here I sit, watching the rain fall from the sky, blanketing New York  in its own sadness.

And then Gabriel walks through the door. He's a sight for sore eyes in  his black pants and blue dress shirt. It occurs to me that he must have  bought another one, and idly, I hope it's because I told him I liked the  color.

He sets down his bags and stands in front of the door, watching me  warily. I curl into the couch, unsure of what to say or do. It's clear  we are at an impasse.

"Victoria," he says, taking a few steps closer. "I'm glad you're here. I missed you."

My heart aches at those words, and I want to fling myself into his arms,  but I know I can't. There are still things that need to be said, so I  settle for the only words I can manage.

"I missed you too," I whisper.

He takes a few more steps, and I hold my breath as he sits down on the  couch beside me. His blue eyes are roving over me, sad and lost and  filled with pain. I want to comfort him if only I knew how.

His hand comes up to my cheek, his fingers dancing along my skin as I  tremble beneath him. The touch is so small, and yet it means so much to  me. When his lips find mine, I can't control myself any longer. I climb  into his lap, thrusting my fingers through his hair as I clutch his  head. I kiss him as if my very life depends on it. Until all of the air  has been sucked from both of our lungs and he pulls away.

"Baby," he says, his voice husky with desire. "We need to talk first. Please."

I sink back into the couch, my stomach tying itself in knots.

"Okay. Then talk."

He looks at me with an uplifted eyebrow, a slow smile creeping across his face. "You want me to start then?"

"Well, I don't know where to start since you're the one with the  problem." I don't mean for the words to come out so sharply, but I know  this is it. Everything hangs in the balance right now.         

     



 

His gaze searches mine as he sits back and takes my hand in his.  "Victoria, to answer your questions," he begins, "I absolutely want to  be with you, I love you more than anything on this planet, and I still  think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. I always  will."

My heart starts to beat again for the first time in days, and I clutch  him a little tighter, afraid to let go. "So what's been going on with  you then?" I ask. "Is it work?"

"No." He shakes his head. "Work is fine. I just … " he pauses for a moment  looking at me nervously. "After what happened, and while you were gone,  I had a lot of time to think. And I realized the enormity of everything  you've been through. I didn't before, as you said I had underestimated  Eleanore. You didn't think I would understand, and you were right."

"It's okay Gabriel," I reassure him. "It's all in the past. We don't have to worry about any of that now."

"No, we do," he says firmly. "You opened up to me, you trusted me. You  told me about all of the abuse you endured, and I … . I was a selfish man  Victoria. I didn't really think about it, I just kept going with the way  things were. Doing things to you that I shouldn't have. I realize now  that I've contributed to your pain, I've hurt you, and it's not okay. It  feels wrong to me now."

"What are you talking about?" I ask. "You've never hurt me."

His eyes fill with anguish as he stares at the floor, his shame written  clearly across his face. "Yes, I have, Victoria. The things you like me  to do to you. It isn't right. I just think we should have a normal  relationship now."

"Are you talking about the sex?" I ask incredulously.

"Yes."

"Gabriel, that's ridiculous. You've never hurt me. It isn't the same  thing as what that man did to me, it's not even in the same fucking  realm."

"No," he growls. "Victoria, I took advantage of you. And the whole time  you were gone, refusing to see me, I kept thinking that was why. Because  I was just another asshole that let you down. You think it's alright,  but it's not. How can it be?"

"It is right, Gabriel. That had nothing to do with why I couldn't see  you. This thing between us, it's the only way I want now. And I know  that you want it too. I don't understand why you're doing this. You said  you wouldn't be weird about it, and that's exactly what you're doing."

Gabriel stands up and stalks across the room, pacing back and forth in  front of the breakfast bar. "I don't want to hurt you anymore," he  rasps. "I don't ever want to hurt you."

I stand up and follow him, wrapping my arms around his hard body. He  turns into me and I press my cheek to his warm chest, inhaling the  comforting scent that is uniquely Gabriel.

"Did you ever feel like this before?" I ask carefully. "When you were doing the same thing to countless other women?"

"No," he says quietly.

"Well, why not? Why do you feel like that now?"