beautifully broken(61)

“Say that again,” I ask simply, and she shakes her head.

“How is she my sister?” I say, cocking my head trying to understand. Hoping against hope there is some reasonable explanation for this. She looks away from me and I take a deep breath. “Did he rape you?” I ask, cringing at the word. Her eyes look up at me.

“No,” she says quietly.

“So you willingly fucked my dad?” I ask her bluntly. She seems caught off guard, surprised I guess that I’d use that type of language.

“It wasn’t supposed to happen,” she says, crying again. I want to get up and leave, leave her right here crying but my body won’t move. My mind has too many questions and it won’t let any of my limbs budge until it has the answers.

“Yeah, I don’t think fucking your best friend's dad is ever supposed to happen,” I say quietly.

Nice one, Chris.

“Chris, please,” she begs. Bitch, fucking slut, don’t believe her tears.

“Chris, please, what? What Lisa, would you like me to do or say? You’re telling me that kid in there is my dad's. My fucking dad’s, Lisa. She’s what? Seven or eight, which would mean,” I stand up, my legs finally gaining strength, “you slept with him when we were in high school?” I feel like I’m about to vomit.

“We made a mistake!” she says through tears. So many tears.

“How many times?” I ask, holding my head.

“Please, it doesn’t matter,” she whimpers.

“How many times?” I roar.

“A lot! I loved him. We loved each other,” she says and I’m going to throw up right here.

“You sat in our house. My mother's house,” I say disgusted. She’s a fucking cunt what do you expect?

“Shut up!” I shout. Both to her and to the fucking voice in my head. It’s him and he won’t shut up. He knew.

“Cal knew. He knew didn’t he?!” I ask her, walking closer to her until she backs into a wall.

“He. I. We thought it was you. At first,” she whimpers, looking down guilty.

“He caught us. Or you did, but after that you began to act strange. That was the first time you disappeared for those days. We thought when you came back… We just knew that you were going to tell your mom,” she shakes her head. “But you didn’t. You weren’t even mad, we eventually realized. It was because you didn’t remember. After that you started calling yourself Cal and whenever you did you were so mean and hateful towards us. We didn’t know then,” her voice breaks.

“It was our fault. We made you this way,” she says, breaking down. I shake my head, I feel energy in me coming from everywhere. I walk towards her, looking at the girl I'd trusted, who was my friend and, for a brief time, who I had a crush on. I cover my face and then slam my fists on the wall on both sides of her. She screams before sliding down to the floor. The little girl comes out and runs over to her and hugs her.

“Leave her alone!” she yells and I try to slow down my breathing. This rage is growing within me and I don’t know how to handle it.

“Does he know?” I ask her, trying to calm my tone.

She shakes her head.

“Great. I’ll deliver the happy news,” I say before heading out the door.





March 12, 2011





You can’t outsmart the universe. It doesn’t make glitches. It catches up with you. Sooner or later if you’re meant to be fucked, you will be. It’s like those plane movies when the kids think they’ve outsmarted death but at the end of the movie they get decapitated or burned alive. The universe remembered that Cal Scott doesn’t get to be happy. That my life was never supposed to be anything other than what it was, pointless, meaningless and insignificant.

“Cal.” Helen’s voice interrupts my pity party. She and Dexter sit across from me at their huge ass conference table. Her voice is sympathetic, Dexter looks like he cares and it makes me want to throw up. I don’t want their sympathy. I don’t want them to give a shit. No one should give a shit.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” she asks me for the third fucking time.

“I don’t have a choice, Helen,” I say, trying to keep my voice dry and even.

“You could tell her the truth. Let her decide. That’s what I’d want,” she says. I look over at Dexter who's holding her hand. They don’t know how lucky they are. To be able to love each other without any interference or handicap. The biggest of their problems is agreeing on where they want to vacation.

“I can’t do that do her. I made a mistake when I married her. She doesn’t deserve the life she’d be stuck in with me.