a reason to live(14)

But no matter how much he’d changed since Emma’s funeral, his eyes hadn’t. The pain they’d held at the funeral, the smoky depths that captured your attention and pulled you in, were no different when he’d turned and directed them at me fully. Even so, it was all I could do to speak. Everything about him screamed MAN! He wasn’t some hipster version of one with their lumberjack beards or a monster hiding under the guise of a man, but a red-blooded, genuine article, wouldn’t-lay-a-hand-on-a-woman-no-matter-what-she’d-done male.

The kind of man you knew would fight back your demons and keep you safe. The type of man who saw women as equals, but still maintained a masculinity that you naturally wanted to follow. The kind that believed if you belonged to them, then they belonged to you completely. And most importantly, the type of man I’d yet to meet in my life and wanted desperately to find.

Recognition had immediately sparked across his face before the pain had replaced his shock. Thinking about it now, I never wanted to see pain like that on his face again. For someone as brave as my sister said he was, a man among men, I knew it had to be eating at him to show that kind of weakness to anyone.

The longer I lay there thinking about Shane, the more I stiffened up. Relaxing in a hot tub sounded like heaven right about then, but miles from neighbors or not, I wasn’t going in naked. So I discarded my bra, threw on an old T-shirt, but decided to keep my shorts on until I got in the hot tub.

Maxine was on the phone when I entered the kitchen; it was a cook’s paradise with stainless steel appliances and marble counter tops. I motioned toward the back door and she smiled, shooing me out with her hand. As I passed the center island, I froze. Sitting in a stack next to a large, pink bag were catalogs for Passion Princess Sex Toys. When I looked back at Maxine in shock, she reached out and handed me one. I took it so I wouldn’t insult her, then turned quickly in embarrassment and headed out the door.

“Grandma Maxine sells sex toys,” I mumbled. After the week I’d had, it tickled my funny bone, more than it should. I threw my head back and laughed, relaxing my pent-up nerves.

I couldn’t wait to tell Emma Jane about Trails End and the people I met during my stay.

The hot tub was already bubbling, so I took off my shorts and climbed in. The sun was lower in the sky finally; it was sunset, which generally hit around midnight in July, and the stars were beginning to twinkle. Before I knew it, I was drifting off to the sound of frogs calling out to their mates.

***

The sun had finally set, so Shane kicked back in a chair with a beer, watching, but not hearing a damn word they said on ESPN. He was chewing on what Max had said while Sage’s words also bounced around.

You’re off balance, Sergeant; you need something concrete to hold on to, a reason to live.

“A reason to live?” he mumbled.

He’d had that once. Had dreams to fulfill and a life he wanted to build. But the past year he’d shoved it out of his mind in order to get up each day. He was coasting through life on autopilot and he knew it. Taking each day as it came instead of living it.

“Christ,” he spat out and then sat back and ran a hand over his face. Reaching for his beer, he curled his lips around the rim as his cell phone began to ring, so he reached out and answered it without looking.

Even though it was midnight, the sun had just set. During the summer months, folks in Trails End didn’t keep to a normal schedule. They stayed up and enjoyed the sun while they had it, so it wasn’t unusual to receive a call late at night.

“You got Shane,” he answered around a swallow of beer.

“You got Maxine.”

He sighed when he heard her reply and set his bottle down.

“Maxine, I’m tired and don’t want a repeat of our earlier conversation.”

“Whatever. I’m not calling to bust your chops anyway. I wanted to know if I could borrow one of your guns.”

“I’m sorry? I must have heard you wrong.”

“A gun, Shane. Do you have a gun I could borrow?”

“All right, I’ll bite. What in the ever lovin’ name of God do you want with one of my guns?”

“It’s not for me, it’s for Sage.”

“Sage?”

“Yeah, you know Sage. Pretty little thing with the big, green eyes and large . . . Well, you know. Anyway, she’s got some crazy person after her and I wanted to give her a gun so she could protect herself,” Maxine explained.

Shane sat straight up at her explanation and narrowed his eyes. “You wanna explain what you mean by she has a crazy person after her?”

“Well, according to her, she’s been receiving threatening notes and gifts. The kind that would send you running to the mountains to hide, poor thing. You see, she works with Child Protective Services and helps decide who gets custody of abused or neglected kids. She seems to think someone who lost custody of a child isn’t too pleased with her.”