Zack(99)

She stepped back, gave me a smile, and said, “Take care, Hell on Skates.”

Without waiting for a response from me, she turned away and jogged to her father’s truck. She never looked back at me again, but after he pulled out of the driveway, I saw her look at Ben and give him a final wave.

The pain that slammed into my chest was so staggering, I dropped to my knees. I did it under the guise of needing to hug Ben in support, but I was actually the one who needed it. Then I pulled him into my arms, picked him up, and carried him back in the house.

Kate was gone and my life officially sucked worse than ever before, and it all boiled down to the fact I was too fearful to do anything about it.

“Kate…hey, it’s Ryker,” he says into the phone, dragging me out of my morbid memories.

I watch him intently, trying to read every nuance of emotion on his face, since I can’t hear her end of the conversation.

“So how are you doing?” he asks her, and then there is a long pause while he listens. He nods in understanding and then starts laughing. “Now, that doesn’t surprise me.”

What doesn’t surprise him? Is she dating someone? Has she found another job? Did she just tell him that she hates me with a fiery passion?

“So listen…my ex-wife wants me to take full custody of my two little girls and I’m going to need a nanny. I was wondering if you’re interested in the job.”

Ryker pauses and listens to Kate. He listens for a long time. I pick up my beer and take a sip, trying to suppress my smile, because I know very well what’s happening right now. She’s on the other end of the line babbling. It’s what she does best and I fucking miss it so bad.

“Okay, why don’t you think about it and let me know in a few days,” Ryker says once she runs out of steam.

I’m completely surprised that she didn’t accept immediately. I know she needs a job, and Ryker would pay her damn good money. Worry courses through me as I wonder if she’s abandoned her idea of returning to school.

“He’s doing okay,” Ryker says into the phone, his eyes pinning me. “He’s standing right here…do you want to talk to him?”

Adrenaline rushes through me as I realize all at once that Kate has asked how I’m doing and that potentially in a matter of a few seconds I could be talking to her. My hands immediately start sweating and my heartbeat goes into overdrive. What would I even say to her?

I miss you.

Please come back.

I’ll do anything to make you come back.

Unfortunately, Ryker smiles at me sadly with a small shake of his head and says into the phone, “Sure, honey…I understand. Just call me once you make your decision.”

Fuck.

She doesn’t want to talk to me.

Ryker hangs up and gives me a commiserating look. “I’m sorry, man.”

Putting a brave face on, I shrug and take a long swallow of beer. “No worries. I’m not surprised.”

But I am totally hurt and dismayed that I probably killed any care and affection she once had for me.

“She said she’s going to think about it,” Ryker says as he places his phone on the bar.

“What’s to think about?” I muse out loud. “It’s a great opportunity for her.”

“I don’t know. She sounded very unsure.”

Christ. I hope to God I have not fucked with Kate’s head so much that it’s causing her to abandon her goals. I hope to God that the strong, opinionated, and goal-oriented woman that I’ve come to know is still on her A-game when it comes to her future career. If I fucked that up for her, I’ll never forgive myself.

I drain the rest of my beer and Ryker starts to flag the bartender for another.

“Not staying, man,” I tell him as I pull some money out of my pocket and throw it on the bar.

“Come on, dude,” Ryker implores. “The last thing you need to do is go home and sulk.”

“Sorry, bud,” I tell him with a sympathetic look. “Just not in the mood to do anything else but.”

He slaps me on my back and I turn around to head out of the bar. I really should take the opportunity to stay out tonight and get shit-faced drunk. Michelle is having Ben stay the night with her and Beau, and I have no obligations otherwise.

Unfortunately, I’m going to do tonight what I do most nights. I’m going to castigate myself over what I did to Kate. Then I’m going to obsess over why I couldn’t give Gina what she wanted. After that, I’ll try to determine why I feel something for Kate that I never felt with Gina.

And finally, I’m going to absolutely refuse to believe that I could give Kate what she deserves, because even though she’s different—what I feel is different—I have no right to put her at risk for further hurt and disappointment. I’ve already done it once and I won’t do it again, no matter how much it kills me not to be with her.