You Don't Own Me(57)

My chin trembles.

I still can’t believe this terrible fate has befallen her. If only I had not forced her to go in my place that evening. I feel the tears sting at the back of my eyes, but I grit my teeth and plaster a smile on my face even though she can’t see it.

‘You’ll never guess what I brought for you. Perfume and makeup. Yes, yes, I know what you’re going to say, nobody is going to see you etc., etc., but honestly you really shouldn’t let yourself go like this,’ I say chattily.

Opening my bag, I take out a brand new container of eye shadow.

‘All of this is dermatologically tested so it is kosher for sleepyheads.’ Carefully I apply a very subtle amount of brown eye shadow, blend it with a bit of highlighter, and stand back to look at the effect.

‘Oh wow. You won’t believe how good I am at this.’

I dig into my bag.

‘Now this is raspberry pink lip gloss. It’s raspberry flavored, just in case you want to have a little lick, or … Zane does,’ I say, and apply a coat on her lips, working carefully around the tube in her mouth. I stand back.

‘Oh yes. Ten times better.’

Then I open a box of blusher and rub a tiny amount on each pale cheek. Amazing how quickly she lost her lovely color. I take my hand away and regard my handiwork critically.

‘You look amazing. I really am in the wrong profession. I should be a beautician. I thought about getting you nail varnish, but decided maybe that’s not such a good idea. You know, the fumes and stuff. If you want to have nice nails, I suggest you get your American ass out of that bed quick.’

She says nothing, just the steady whoosh of her ventilator, so I reach again into my bag. ‘Look what else I got you.’

I slip a bracelet made out of organic cotton with little pink love hearts on it that reads HUG ME.

‘Hmmm … it really suits you, Dahlia. I’m really glad I got it now. I found it at a new shop that opened around the corner from us. It was so pretty I got us each one. I’m wearing mine now too.’ I hold my wrist out, turning it, as though she is watching.

I put all the cosmetics back into my bag and sit down next to her.

‘Mark came around. He’s really cut up about what happened to you. He even cried. I was livid with him and I had planned to punch him in the throat when he walked through the door, but I took one look at his face and all my anger died away. He looked terrible.’

I stare at her fingers. For a second I am sure her middle finger moved. I stand and watch it carefully while I speak

‘I started to feel sorry for him. I saw how destroyed he is by it all and he did mean well. It must be awful to know you caused the person you love so much damage. Anyway, we went out for coffee, and we talked about you the whole time. It’s like we’re connected. We’re both survivors of a tornado called Dahlia. Both of us connected by our guilt. I keep thinking what if I had insisted you switch off your phone when I switched mine off.’

I am babbling nonsense and staring so hard at her finger I don’t even blink.

‘He told me everything. How he was part of a police force investigating some guy called Lenny, and while they had him under surveillance they found out that he was plotting to get rid of Zane, and how he happened to see you coming out of Zane’s house that time you went in my place. It was a bit creepy but he had such a thing for you, he followed you home, and then, pretended to bump into you at the supermarket the next day. I know how it sounds, but at heart, he’s a really nice guy. He is dying to come and visit you, but of course, Zane won’t ever allow it.’

I never take my eyes off her fingers, but they never move again. It must have been my imagination. Disappointed, I resume my seat.

‘Not that I blame Zane for holding him responsible. I did too. You should know that I’ve changed my mind about Zane, too. I believe he really loves you. He’s like all cold and distant, but I can feel how much he loves you. From what I have seen of Zane, I know now that you’re never coming back to stay with me. It’s obvious as hell both of you are going to get married and play happy families so I’ve got myself a flat mate. She’s from this unpronounceable little village in Ghana.’

I sigh unconsciously and quickly make my voice bright and peppy again.

‘She’s all right, I guess. I took her to Jamie’s the other night, but she doesn’t really drink. She had one glass of white wine all night, and she doesn’t like the music there either. So really, I desperately need you to wake up and come for a girls’ night out with me.’

Zane

I come into the room and the nurse stands up, smiles politely and leaves. I wait until she closes the door before I approach the bed. I see instantly that Dahlia is wearing makeup. I can only imagine that Stella must have dolled her up. I go up to her. The sight is bittersweet: she looks so beautiful, like Snow White lying in her glass box, but I can’t wake her up, take her in my arms.