Xavier FINAL(76)
“Give him five minutes, if he’s not back I’ll call you a cab and then drive his ass home.”
After half an hour I went to the bathroom and called a cab. I was sick of waiting for Xavier to be done with Angel and sick of staring at Daniel’s smug antagonistic face. I snuck out the back door of the bar and walked around the corner into the parking lot. I saw Xavier and Angel in the SUV. He was hugging her.
The cab pulled up and I got in. I looked back once to see Nickie’s arms flying in the air.
I gave the cab driver my address in the city and sat back looking out the window. I was so hurt by Xavier. He had left me standing in a bar alone and face to face with a man who had crushed me, deceived me, used me, and hit me. In less than an hour I went from feeling like there was something very special about what Xavier and I had, to feeling like I was a complete and total idiot.
The cab pulled in front of the apartment building and I couldn’t bring myself to go back to that place.
“Could you take me to the Hilton instead?”
~
Once I was in my room I decided to take a shower and use the hotel robe to sleep in. I looked at my phone and saw messages from both Xavier and Daniel. I turned the phone off. Silence.
I laid back in the comfort of the hotel bed. I hated that I had spent three hundred dollars for the room but I was happy to not be on an air mattress in my empty little apartment.
I grabbed the remote and turned on a music channel and when Peace by O.R.E played I turned it to a channel that played classical music to ensure I wouldn’t hear a song that reminded me of Xavier.
The confusion inside my head was overwhelming. It had been only two weeks and four days since I met Xavier and he was consuming me. Everything about him swallowed me up leaving no room for anything else but him. Even when things were good with Daniel I never felt like that, not ever.
I can’t let myself believe that it’s because of anything deeper than an incredibly strong sexual attraction to a type of man I had vowed to never let into my life. And I can’t let myself ever believe that a man on the total opposite end of the spectrum like Daniel could be any better for me.
I wanted desperately to run home to Boston to seek refuge from myself and the poor choices I had made. To tell my mother everything that had happened and let her hug me and tell me everything would be alright, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t let my brothers know that I messed up after I told them if they didn’t butt out I would disappear; that I was a cop’s daughter too and would make sure they never found me; that I would never speak to them again if they kept interfering; and finally that if they tried anything I would just become like them and fuck anything that walked. That had done it. None of them wanted to push me. Mom made sure they knew that if they didn’t adhere to my wishes she would be sure to start pushing the fact that someday she would like to have daughter-in-laws and grand babies down their throats. God I missed them.
I didn’t cry. I recited Mom’s Irish bedtime blessing in my head over and over. Something my mother taught me to do when I had night terrors as a child and through much of my teenage years when I was frightened after over hearing about a case my father was working on.
Moonbeams to warm you, good luck to charm you.
A protective angel so nothing can harm you.
Friends and family near you, laughter to cheer you.
When you pray to the Lord, Heaven will always hear you.
I drifted off to sleep.
~
Bang Bang Bang!
“Come on Irish open the door.”
I opened my eyes and rolled to my side. As if dreams of him aren’t bad enough I was hearing his voice.
Bang Bang Bang!
“Don’t make me bust down the damn door. Come on Babe please.”
Bang Bang Bang!
I sat up and looked at the clock; it was four in the morning.
Bang Bang Bang!
I jumped up and looked through the peep hole.
Xavier.
“Sorry Ma’am, I lost my key.” He smiled to someone off to the right of him.