Xavier FINAL(119)

     I was almost asleep when he took my hand and held it. I didn’t pull away. I wanted him so bad it hurt and now that he knew he wouldn’t be able to love me ever again. I was sure I wouldn’t love me either.

     When they pilot announced we would be landing I sat up and looked straight ahead.

     Xavier was still holding my hand but now he was rubbing his thumb over the ring he had given me. I slid my hand from under his and pulled the ring off.

     I turned and looked at him. He was staring intently at the ring.

     “I’m sorry I did this to you.” I reached over and handed him back the ring. “Xavier.”

     “Do you think it’s his?”

     “I have no idea. My period wasn’t normal. It may not have even been a period. I was sick then too.”

     “You had a cold.” The pain in his voice sent chills through my body. “Were you going to tell me?”

     “I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

     “If it were mine would you have told me?”

     “I don’t see how that matters anymore do you?”

     “I would have known. I do know. How many times did you and he have sex that month? Did he always finish inside you? Have you ever had light periods before? Did you really fucking think I would turn into some monster if I knew you were having a child, my child?”

     I closed my eyes and leaned back.

     “Come on babe--.”

     “Please don’t call me that.”

     “Answer a couple questions. Just a couple.”

     “Fine.”

     “Did you think I didn’t love you enough to want to take care of our child?”

     “I know what kind of man you are so I knew you would. Even if it meant changing the man I loved. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

     “You said loved. When did you stop?”

     “I didn’t.”

     “Good because I want you to know that I don’t give a fuck whose kid is inside of you. To me, if it’s in your body, it’s mine. Do you hear me Taelyn? It’s mine.”

     “I can’t live a life with you knowing you resent me.”

     “Resent you? I don’t resent you. I fucking love you.” He pulled me against him. “It won’t go away. Don’t ask me to try or make me. I love you.”

     The plane landed and I got out of my seat. Xavier grabbed my bag from the overhead compartment and then grabbed his back pack.

     Neither of us had checked luggage so we walked out and hailed a cab. He reached in his backpack and grabbed a baseball cap and pulled it on his head.

     “You like?”

     “You’re in Boston that’s probably not a good idea.”

     “Gotta be true to who I am. You need to accept that. Nothing will change it. Nothing.”

     ~

     We bickered about him coming to my family’s house. He agreed to stay at the airport Hilton if I stayed with him. I didn’t want to wake my parents at six thirty in the morning when they weren’t expecting me until four.

     We slept and held each other for the rest of the day. I told him it felt wrong and that I felt like I was using him. He told me to use away.

     When he woke me at three he had already rented a car. He was going to drive me to the ultra sound appointment. I begged him to let me go alone and he wouldn’t.

     While we waited for the technician he paced. “I wasn’t joking about not giving a shit about the dates. I will never resent you or our child. Besides Irish I know it’s mine. It’s my kid inside of you.”

     I knew he was trying to convince himself. He was just as worried as I was. I knew if it wasn’t I would not be able to hold him to what he had said in a moment of anguish.

     She walked in and he stood at my head holding my hand as the technician started the exam.

     “Right there is your baby. You are measuring at eight weeks.”

     We both looked at each other as we counted the weeks. His face fell and my heart started to crumble into pieces.