Written in the Scars(76)

We reach the bathroom door, the one where I ran into Ty at the night of the bonfire. Lindsay spins me around to face her.

“Do you want to know?” she demands. “I mean, you’ll have to know sooner or later. And I want to force you in there to take a test, but I also know how personal this is and maybe you want to wait and do it with Ty?”

I imagine his face if it turns out I’m not. Looking down at my stomach for a few moments before up at my friend again, I say, “Let’s do it.”

Lindsay lets out a squeal and flips on the light. She rummages through a cabinet. No words may come out of my mouth, but a million emotions swirl together in my body creating a beautiful, dangerous chaos that I’m not sure I can navigate.

“Ta-da!” she exclaims, standing up and wielding a little box. It rattles as she shakes it. “I knew I had an extra!”

She extends her hand, offering me the device that will either change my world or ruin an excitement that, despite my best efforts, has already started to take root.

“Am I really going to do this?” I ask, taking the box.

“Yes, you are. I have to know.”

“Well, get out of here and let me pee on the stick.”

Lindsay laughs, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Okay, but I want to watch it turn with you. Okay? I mean, I don’t even care if that’s gross.”

“Out,” I laugh, shoving her towards the door gently. Once she’s gone, I shut it and lock it for good measure.

The package ripped open, I toss the box and directions away. Forcing a swallow, I study the little white gadget.

“Be good to me,” I whisper, pulling down my pants.

It takes forever to actually urinate, and I try to guide the thin piece of plastic into the stream. Finishing up and getting myself together, I sit it on the counter and refuse to look at it.

I can’t.

A ball sits in my throat as I open the door and face my friend. I think I might pass out.

“Well?” she asks.

I press my lips together and fight to hold back tears. Even though I didn’t expect this situation, now that I’m in it, I want it. Oh, dear Lord, do I want it. I’ve never wanted anything more than this.

“Let’s look,” she whispers, laying a hand along my shoulders.

In unison, we turn. Together, we suck in a hasty breath. At the same time, we fall into each other’s arms, tears dotting our faces.

“It’s positive,” Lindsay gushes in my hair.

A reply won’t come past the sobs racking my body. My knees shake, a smile etched across my cheeks as I grab at the counter to hold myself up. I place both hands on my belly and look down.

It looks the same as it always does, Ty’s shirt hanging loosely over the round curve from the Freshman Fifteen I never lost. Still, I feel it. A sense of wonder, a feeling of fullness that it’s not just me right now. It’s . . . us.

A baby.

“I’m pregnant,” I whisper, not to anyone in particular. My head snaps up. “When was the last time I drank?”

Lindsay laughs and places her hand on my belly too. “They’ll grow up together. Just a few months apart. My girl and your boy.”

“What?” I laugh.

She shrugs. “Ty would be awesome with a boy. When are you telling him?”

I want to tell him now. I want to run to the barn and jump on him, kissing him senseless as I try to put this into words. But Jiggs is there and Cord too, and after everything . . .

My stomach flip-flops as ice water fills my veins, and I shiver at the thought of losing yet another baby.

“They’re off after tomorrow,” I say, thinking of their schedule. “They’ll be home for two days.”

“You want to wait till then? Can you manage to keep it a secret for another whole twenty-four hours?”

I imagine seeing him in bed, his early morning hair all ruffled. I’ll come in with his coffee and watch him give me his sleepy smile. I’ll climb in bed beside him and nuzzle against his solid chest and give him the news. Just the two of us.

Besides, it’ll give me time to get my head wrapped around this and to convince myself it’s going to be okay.

“I’ll try,” I say. “I really want it to be special. Maybe I’ll play a game or something, I don’t know. But I want it to be something we remember. Maybe if I do it different, we’ll have different results.”

Lindsay makes a face at my insinuation, but chooses to disregard it. “So I have to keep it a secret?” she moans instead. “I’m so bad at that!”

“Don’t you dare tell a soul. Not even Jiggs,” I warn her, my finger wagging in her face. “I mean it, Linds.”

“I won’t,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Of course I won’t. But, Elin, you’re pregnant!”