With This Heart(97)

“             I could help you get better,” he murmured. His fists clenched on top of the sheet and I wanted so badly to lean forward and comfort him. But who would comfort me?

I shook my head infinitesimally.

“             I’ll go if you ask me to, but I’m not coming back,” he threatened. “If this is what you want, then I’ll do it, but we’re over.” I knew he was being harsh so that I’d see reason and change my mind. But still, his words were venom. They cut right to the core of my happiness. But it was             exactly             what I wanted. I didn’t want him tied down to me when he went back to Boston. I loved Beck because he was the epitome of what life should be, and I’d never forgive myself if I took that away from him.

When I didn’t respond to his ultimatum, he pushed off the bed and stood facing the wall for a moment. His hands cradled the back of his head and I could see his back muscles shifting beneath his shirt.

“             I’m so sorry,” I whispered, trying to reach out for him and causing my cannula to slip out of my nose. It only took a few seconds before I felt light headed, but I had to push through it.

“             Please understand. Please,” I begged, needing him to turn toward me. I didn’t want us to end like this. I needed him to tell me it was okay. That he agreed with me.

When he turned to face me, his chiseled features were sharp as stone.

“             No, actually I don’t understand,” he snapped, and I cringed back against the bed as if he’d hit me. “Don’t do this, Abby.” A second later, the door knob clicked open and my mom peeked in, most likely to make sure everything was okay. As soon as I saw her face, she moved away to             give us privacy. But, the noise of the door snapped Beck out of his death stare. He shook his head and turned to leave.

“             Wait!” I yelled, grasping the journal and jumping out of my bed. My head spun and I fell forward, catching myself on the nightstand. My body protested and my heart pumped overtime as it tried to send out enough oxygenated blood to keep me standing.

He didn’t turn around.

“             Beck! This is for you.” I held the journal out in a desperate plea for him to take it. I didn’t want to move away from the nightstand for fear that I’d face plant into the tile. The heart monitor was beeping wildly behind me and I knew we only had seconds before my nurse rushed in. It didn’t bother me that everyone in the ward could hear me yelling. I just couldn’t let him leave without reading everything in the journal. He had to know how much he meant to me.

But nothing in life is perfect. I got what I wanted: Beck was going to live his life. It just wasn’t going to be on my terms.

I tried gulping in breaths of air and slowing my heart, but nothing helped. I needed to sit back down, but I couldn’t yet. He was leaving me. His hand grasped the door knob and my lip quivered as tears streamed down my cheeks.

He pulled his hand away and was swiveling on his feet back toward me. He was about to turn around, I             know             he was, but then the nurse and my mom rushed past him to get to me.

“             You need to leave now, young man!” the nurse barked, her voice much too harsh. “You’ve done enough!”

“             Beck!” I screamed, trying in vain to get him to turn around and take the journal. But the nurses and doctor blocked his path. I chucked it across the room so that it hit the door with a loud thud. The world spun around me, but I tried to hold onto consciousness. I needed one more glimpse of him to tide me over, but instead I was met with a black ring impinging on my vision as the nurse lifted me back onto the bed.

I felt my mom’s hand rub my hair back as she leaned down to hold me.

“             He’s gone. Sweetie, just rest. Just rest.”

She kept repeating those words as she rocked me against the hospital bed. I clung to her shirt with a vice-like grip, wishing she could erase every cruel moment in my life.