With This Heart(104)

The crowd erupted into whispers and shouts, but the conversations were nothing more than background noise. Everyone’s faces blurred into nothingness as I walked toward the statue. It greeted me with silence, and I stepped inside, just past the entrance.

I peered over to see Sammy give me a thumbs up before I squeezed my eyes shut. When I pried them open again, I stared into the crowd without seeing anyone. They were all a blur of skin tones and clothing. My fingers darted up to the tiny locket lying on top of my shirt. I fingered the gold heart, thinking of the flea market and the old ladies that condemned our kissing.

I could feel my heart beating in my throat. Each beat felt like it was another step closer to my impending doom. Thump. He’s not coming. Thump. He’s probably not even at MIT. Thump. What if he has a girlfriend? Thump.

“             I think I’m the person you wrote about in your note,” I heard a voice mutter confidently. My stomach dropped and I whipped my head around to see a stranger standing a few feet in front of me. He was tall and lanky; he wore Converse and a trendy pair of glasses. But he was definitely not Beck.

“             Um,” I muttered awkwardly. I hadn’t considered what would happen if someone             other             than Beck came forward. “Are you joking?”

His face split into a smile. “All I’m saying is that if your guy doesn’t show up, I’d be more than happy to fill his shoes.”

Wow. I couldn’t even process his request because in a matter of seconds a bevy of guys stepped forward to offer their proverbial glass slippers as well. They each wanted a piece of the limelight. It would have been beyond flattering to assume they meant their proclamations, but I knew it had more to do with their twenty-year-old brains. Their need for attention and approval from the female population meant that they were willing to step forward so that they could brag about it over dinner in the dorm cafeterias later.

I tried to smile at them, but I was too nervous. The attention was too much and I balled my fists next to my legs to keep from running.

“             You can’t give up. I’ll be the guy,” one shouted from the crowd.

They meant well, but their sweet jokes told me one thing. It was past six pm and Beck hadn’t showed up. That’s why they stepped forward. They were trying to help me in a pitiful way. I ran the heel of my palm against my chest, trying to break the tightness that had suddenly formed there. I felt like my heart was constricting and I blinked my eyes in quick succession. My hands fell limp to my side and I took a small step out of the statue.

He hadn’t seen the note. Or if he had, he wasn’t going to come. Everyone was watching me with piteous faces. I didn’t want their pity. I wanted Beck to be at MIT still. I wanted fate to be on my side for once. I wanted to be able to erase the pain from last year. But I couldn’t have my cake and eat it too. I gave Beck up so that he could follow his dream, and that’s the way it had to end.

It was over.

I raised my gaze, trying to find the distinguished man in the crowd. It only took a moment; he was the only person there beyond the age of twenty-five. His eyes locked with mine and he shrugged his shoulders, as if to tell me that it would be okay. I bit down on my lip, trying not to cry. It felt like I’d let him and Sammy down somehow.

Seconds turned into minutes and people began to realize the show was over. Some of them looked disappointed, but most of the people didn’t care all that much. It was like watching a reality show to them. The fair-weather guys in the center patted my shoulder and turned back to find their friends. Each one of them leaving me as quickly as they’d stepped forward. Converse guy didn’t turn right away. I think out of everyone, he might have been serious about his proposition, and for that I was grateful. Without him, I would be crawling along rock bottom, but instead I was dangling by a limb just a few feet away from it. That counted for something.

“             Thank you,” I muttered toward him with a tight smile. It felt forced and I knew he could tell.

“             Yeah, I really meant—”

His voice faded out as my gaze drifted to where his Converse rested on the concrete. Directly beneath his left foot there was a small white arrow chalked onto the sidewalk. A few feet in front of that one, I noticed another. They were leading away from the statue.