Wherever You Will Go(88)

I mull this all over. Saxon did a number on him? I didn’t even ask him what happened, let alone if he was okay. I gave a statement? “No, I don’t remember much from last night,” I tell her, searching my mind for any new details.

“Well, I don’t want to talk about last night. I want to talk about why when I walked in here you were wrapped around Saxon like he was your reason for living,” she demands.

“Maybe … because he is,” I tell her. My chest is tight. Is he?

“That’s what I thought,” she sighs. “Tell me everything.”

So I do. I tell her everything, from the day Saxon rocked up at my house a few months after the funeral. I tell her how we came to have sex and how things progressed from there.

Rachel says nothing the whole time and barely changes her expression, her eyebrows rising every now and then.

I finish by telling her about last night, and Saxon’s comments this morning. Even telling her what I thought I heard as I fell asleep last night.

“So?” I say, desperate to hear what she thinks in the hope she’ll tell me what to do.

“Fuck,” she breathes out. “Fuck.”

“I know, right? I have no idea what I’m doing, and I’m starting to feel like it’s careening out of control.”

“Starting to?” Her voice is high-pitched. “Brooke, fuck. This got out of control the minute you two started working together.”

“Well, I think that’s over-exaggerating a little,” I tell her, annoyed.

“Brooke, Saxon has always had a thing for you. What did you think sleeping with him on a regular basis was going to do? He has feelings for you. From what you say, very deep feelings. Do you feel the same?”

“What? I don’t know? Maybe? No.”

“Huh?”

“Shit, Rach, I care for him deeply. He means the world to me and has been my biggest support since Nate.” She frowns. “You know what I mean. Seeing him and spending time with him every day, we’ve naturally become close.” She nods, relenting. “But deep feelings? Yeah, I guess I do, but I don’t want this to go any further.”

“Why not?”

“Why not?” I scream. “What do you think? He’s Nate’s best friend, Rachel. I couldn’t do that to Nate.”

“Brooke, sweetie. You aren’t doing anything to Nate. Nate’s not here, Brooke. You aren’t cheating or being unfaithful to him. He’s gone, and it’s nearly been a year,” she says softly, trying to placate me.

“I feel like I’m choosing between them.” Tears well up in my eyes before falling down my cheeks.

Rach moves into the chair next to me and hugs me to her. “You can’t choose between them, Brooke. You don’t have that option. Nate isn’t here. He isn’t a choice.”

She holds me in her arms and rubs my back until my tears settle. “What if it wasn’t Saxon?” I look up at her question.

“What do you mean?” I lean back in my own chair.

“What if it was a stranger? Just a man you met. Would you feel as guilty?”

“I don’t know,” I whisper. Would I? Is it moving on from Nate or the fact it’s with his best friend that bothers me more?

“I think you need to just focus on Saxon. Don’t think about Nate or the guilt. Think about Saxon and what he means to you. You can’t keep dragging him along.”

Looking to her, my mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water. I’m not sure what to say to that.

“I think it’s pretty clear how he feels for you, Brooke. If you don’t feel the same way I don’t think you can keep doing this with him.”

I’m shocked at her stern tone. He’s her mortal enemy, and she’s telling me to do right by him.

“Why can’t we just go on the way we have been?” Irritation rings through my tone.

“Brooke, you know better than anyone how you can keep going back to the past or move forward into the future, but nothing ever stays still.”

I hate that she’s right.





Saxon has barely left my side over the past month. He’s been caring and overprotective in a way that is quite suffocating. I feel terrible even thinking that, but someone popping their head in your office almost every half hour asking if you’re okay gets old quick.

Sometimes I think the incident with Paul affected him more than it did me—not that I wasn’t affected, but maybe women can internalise and rationalise better.

Deep down, his issue is his guilt. He feels like he failed me for not firing Paul sooner and for not being with me that night. Nothing I say can help him work through his issues. We haven’t discussed the incident since it happened, unless he updates me on Paul’s arrest and charges and what I may need to do. Even with this, I know he only tells me what he has to, keeping the other details to himself.