What's Done In the Dark(65)

“Well, right now you don’t. But think about it. You don’t have to spend the rest of your days wondering if Sabrina is going to pop up out of the woodwork, and you don’t have to build one lie on top of the other.”

I fidgeted with the salt and pepper shakers. “Almost. Paula still doesn’t know.” I knew that she was next on the list. She needed to hear it from me before Sabrina told her.

“I’m going to tell her. I have to. I just don’t know when. You don’t think Greg would tell her?” I asked, experiencing a sudden panic. “I didn’t even think about that.”

“I believe Greg really cares for Paula as well, so he wouldn’t want to further hurt her like that,” Mavis replied.

I nodded. “And he hasn’t said he’s leaving me for good. Greg is the type that if he stays, he wouldn’t want anyone to know. That’s why I’m a little shocked that he told Charles.”

“Well, I’m praying it all works out,” my sister said as she went back to stirring a huge pot on the stove. “I added you to the prayer circle at church. You might want to consider coming.”

“Nah, I’m good. I don’t think the Lord wants to hear from me right about now.”

“He wants to hear from you all the time.” She flashed a chastising look. “Not just when you’re in trouble.” She set the spoon down, wiped her hands again, and came over and sat across from me at the table.

“You know how I feel about what you did,” she said. “But I also believe acceptance is a very important part to being able to move on. Acceptance will put an end to your internal struggle—the one where you keep wishing the affair had not happened the way it did or hurt as many people. Once you stop struggling with what happened, calmness will start to take its place and you can find the peace you need.”

That was laughable. Even if Greg forgave me, I didn’t see how I’d ever be at peace with what I’d done.

“I see your disbelief all over your face,” she said. “God is capable of creating calm in the midst of a storm.” Before I could respond, my sister took my hands, bowed her head, and began praying. At first, I was a little stunned, and then I began listening intently as she prayed for peace. Nothing else. Not for Greg or Paula to forgive me. Just peace.

“What was that for?” I asked when she was done.

“Because you need it,” she said. “Now, learn to do that for yourself, and you might find your situation doing a huge turnaround.” She stood and returned to the stove. Picking up the large spoon she was using to stir, she said, “You’ve got to try some of this chili. I think I finally make it better than Mama.”





46


Paula


IF BURYING MY HUSBAND WAS the hardest thing I ever had to do, this was the second hardest.

I put his Nike T-shirt up to my nose and inhaled. Even though it was clean, it still had his scent. I took a deep breath, folded it, and placed it in the box with the rest of his belongings.

I had been putting off this day since we put Steven in the ground. But sleeping in this room every night, surrounded by all things Steven, was making my healing harder.

I’d gone to a support group over the weekend. I wanted someone who was objective, who didn’t know me or Steven. I needed someone to give me feedback on my grief. I had pushed aside all the things I didn’t know—if he was with another woman, who she was, etc.—and just focused on my grief. I learned that everything I was feeling was natural. Each of the women, and men, in the group had felt the same at one time or another. And while they’d said every person’s length of grieving was different, I sided with those who felt that in order to move on, they had to move out their loved ones’ belongings.

I had to do it because every time I saw Steven’s things, I wanted to cry. And while crying was healthy, it was keeping me locked in place. And for that reason, I knew that I needed to pack up his belongings.

My cell phone rang, and I answered when I saw Felise’s name “Hey, Felise.”

Silence filled the phone.

“Felise?”

“H-hey, Paula,” she said. “Um, what are you doing?”

“Doing what I told you I would do—packing up Steven’s things.”

I had called Felise last night about my decision, and she thought it was a good idea as well. To my surprise, though, she had offered to come over to be here with me because she knew how difficult it would be. She had said she wanted to talk to me, but I wasn’t in the mood for an it’s-time-to-move-on pep talk. I was doing this, but on my own terms.

“Wow. So, you’re really doing it?”