Weight of Silence(14)
Gavin crouched in front of him, his dark eyes wide and concerned. Jace felt instantly like an ass, and a blush flamed his cheeks.
“I’m fine,” Jace said. He drew his knees up to his chest in a protective gesture that made Gavin retreat a few inches. “Sorry, I got lost in thought.”
“Must have been some trip. You sure you’re back?”
“Yeah. Yes.”
He was definitely back and well-aware that he’d just destroyed the moment they’d had right after Jace’s laughing fit. The euphoria of it was gone, replaced by shame and an ever-present, bone-deep fatigue that threatened to swallow him whole. Gavin seemed to have a talent for reading people’s moods, because he didn’t reapproach. He settled against the wall opposite Jace, his long legs stretched out.
“So you got any exciting plans while you’re home for break?” Gavin asked.
“I’d hoped to sleep a lot, maybe watch some movies. Sleep some more.”
“Maybe sleep a little too?”
Jace’s lips twitched. “Yeah, maybe.”
“College sounds exhausting.”
“You never went?”
“Nah, wasn’t for me.”
“It’s not for everybody.”
“Do you like it?”
“Sometimes.” Jace’s entire freshman year had been a battle to keep his grades up. So far, his sophomore year had been a battle to stay in school, period. The only thing he was good at was writing essays, but he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life.
“So if you didn’t have to be in college, what else would you be doing right now?” Gavin asked. “First thing off the top of your head.”
“Traveling.”
“Where?”
“Everywhere. I’d sell my iPod and anything else I could for a cheap car and just go. See the whole country. Be a nomad. Take my laptop and write about the experiences, maybe. Work when I have to, then move on to the next place.” Jace shut up when he realized he probably sounded like a spoiled jerk, complaining about the luxury of attending a fantastic university, while wishing he could waste away his youth on traveling and sightseeing.
Only Gavin didn’t look disgusted. He seemed…interested. “No roots, then? You’d get up and go and leave everything behind?”
“Not forever.” Jace loved his family, and he’d always been close to them. But sometimes living in Stratton suffocated him. College suffocated him. He needed big skies and wide open spaces. A little time around people who didn’t know him or any of his secrets. “Maybe for a few years, until I know what I want to do and where I want to settle.”
“So if that’s what you want, then why don’t you do it?”
Jace exhaled a long, hard breath. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
Good question. Not going back to school would solve all of his problems—he’d be free of exams and bookwork and the never-ending headache of studying. And he’d be free of Jordan. The noose of Jordan’s accusation tightened a bit more around Jace’s neck, and he fought to control his roiling stomach.
“My parents want me to get a degree,” Jace said.
“Is that what you want?”
“No.” He’d never really admitted that out loud before. Not to his parents, his sisters, or his friends from high school, who were all more than happy to be attending the universities of their choice.
“So you’d rather make yourself miserable for three more years and put yourself into financial debt, just so you don’t upset your parents?”
When Gavin put it like that, the whole idea sounded pretty moronic to Jace. He was torturing himself and wasting money on an education he didn’t want, for a future he hadn’t yet decided on. A future he might find while exploring the south, or Canada, or an atoll in the Pacific Ocean. More than anything, though, he wanted out of Pennsylvania.
On the other hand, staying in school seemed like a small sacrifice to make when he still hadn’t told his parents that he was gay.
“Jace, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, honest,” Gavin said. “But living someone else’s life is a good way to make sure yours is miserable.”
“You know, you’d have had a great career as a motivational speaker.”
Gavin flashed his middle finger. “You only get one life, dude. Live it.”
A little bell rang, and Gavin reached beneath the bulk of his coat for his phone. He checked a text then frowned. “Crap, my mother wants to leave,” he said.
Jace nodded mutely. As much as he disliked the conversation, he enjoyed the company. He didn’t want Gavin to go.
“You want to hang out sometime soon?” Gavin asked.