Wanting What She Can't Have(18)

"I'm coming to get you," she called as she exited the bathroom just in  time to see Raoul sweep the naked wriggling baby into his arms.

"Got a runaway, I see," he said, walking toward her and handing Ruby to her as soon as she was within distance.

"I just about need to tether her these days," Alexis said with a smile.

Raoul did a bit of a double take, looking at her more intently than a minute before.

"Are you okay?"

"I think I got up a little too quickly before. It left me a little dizzy but I'm fine now," she said, brushing off his concern.

"You look quite pale, are you sure you're all right?"

She nodded, and it was true. She was feeling fine now compared to earlier.

"Of course, I'm great. Really."

But there was a niggle there in the back of her mind, one she didn't want to consider right now if she could avoid it.

* * *

Later, after she'd settled Ruby for the night and had picked up the  trail of toys that she had left through the house, she was surprised  when Raoul sought her out. Usually he kept working in his study up until  he was ready to retire for the night, often reading more about  wine-making and blending techniques. He rarely joined her in the family  room to watch television. But when they went to bed, it was a different  story.                       
       
           



       

Usually, he came to find her wherever she was in the house and then  took her by the hand back to his room. She cast a quick glance at the  mantel clock above the family room fireplace. It was early, even for  him.

"I've been thinking. It might be best if you sleep in your own room tonight," he said.

"Oh? Why?" Sick of me already? She clamped the words firmly behind her  lips, not wanting them to possibly be heard in case they might be true.

"You need a decent night's rest and let's face it, I haven't exactly  been letting you have one the past couple of weeks, have I?"

Disappointment crowded into her chest.

"It's okay. You haven't heard me complaining, have you?"

He gave her a crooked smile. One that made her heart lurch in that crazy way he always managed.

"No, I can't say I have but I'm worried about you. Get a good night,  tonight, hmm? Situation normal again from tomorrow if you're feeling  better."

He leaned forward and kissed her. Initially, his lips were soft and  undemanding but it was only a matter of seconds before their kiss  deepened, before his mouth slanted across hers so he could kiss her more  thoroughly. Heat snaked along her veins, priming her body in readiness  for what usually came next. She looped her arms around his neck and gave  back with everything she had in her.

She was so lost in the fog of desire that it came as a shock to realize  that his hands had caught her at her wrists and were disentangling her  so he could pull away.

"I'm fine, Raoul, honestly."

"Let me be the judge of that. One night. We can survive that, can't we? Now go. Get some sleep."

"Can't you just sleep next to me? We don't have to-"

He took a step back. "No, it doesn't work that way with us. You know that. No strings, remember?"

"Sure, I remember," she said, forcing a smile of acceptance to her face.

Just sex, she repeated in the back of her mind as she readied for bed.  She continued repeating it for the next hour as she lay in the dark,  staring at the ceiling, hoping against all hope that he missed having  her in his bed just about as much as she missed being there.

The next morning Alexis felt a great deal more rested. Much as she  hated to admit it, Raoul had apparently been right about the lack of  sleep catching up to her. But then when she got Ruby out of her crib and  was changing her diaper, the first wave of nausea hit her.

"Goodness," she said as she folded and bagged the offending diaper. "We might need to change your diet, young lady."

The second wave hit when she was preparing Ruby's breakfast cereal and  stewed fruit-and with it came an overwhelming sense of dread. She was no  idiot. She knew what her physical symptoms could mean. She hadn't been  fully protected the first time she and Raoul had made love. Even though  she'd made that trip to the local pharmacy and gotten the morning-after  tablets, she'd been counseled that they were not always 100 percent  effective.

"And ain't that the truth?" she muttered under her breath as she willed her stomach under control.

What had Raoul said, again, when he'd made his suggestion that they be  sexual partners? He didn't want there to be any mistakes-yes, that was  right. Well, it certainly looked as if she'd made a big one. But she  needed to be sure. She already had plans to head out with Ruby today.  Laura had suggested a playdate with little Jason again and Alexis had  been looking forward to just having some time out alone in Akaroa,  browsing the stores and stopping at one of the cafés for a triple-shot  nonfat latte while browsing a tabloid magazine.

The thought of coffee completely turned her stomach. Alexis swallowed  against the lump in her throat. Rather than indulging in her favorite  vice, she knew exactly what she'd be doing at the local store  instead-buying a pregnancy test kit.

* * *

Alexis stared at the indicator window on the stick. This wasn't how  she'd imagined discovering she was going to become a mother-locked in  the end cubicle of the public restrooms on the main street. Even though  she'd known to the soles of her feet what the result would be, the  strong positive that appeared was shockingly candid confirmation she  really didn't need. One part of her was doing a crazy happy  dance-shouting for joy that she was pregnant with Raoul's child. The  rest of her quivered with anxiety.                       
       
           



       

The news that she was expecting his baby, after he'd spelled it out  perfectly clearly that pregnancy was an outcome to be avoided at all  cost, would not be welcome.

She shoved the stick into its wrapper and back into the box-disposing  of everything in the restroom trash can. Numb, she washed and dried her  hands and walked outside, where everyone carried along on the pavement  with their everyday lives, oblivious to the situation she now found  herself in.

Alexis crossed the street to a park bench that sat on a grass berm,  facing out to the harbor. Despite the cold day, she felt nothing. Not  the sunshine on her face, nor the brisk wind that whipped along the  shoreline, coaxing whitecaps on the water.

What on earth was she going to do?

She could only imagine Raoul's reaction. There was no room in his life,  or his heart, for another baby. Hell, he fought against making room for  the one he had.

But he was capable of love, Alexis knew that. She'd witnessed it for  herself. He'd loved once and he could love again, she just knew it. His  marriage to Bree had been happy, she'd seen that to her own cost.  Somehow she had to convince him to take a risk on love again.

She understood that grief did strange things to a person-could blow  normal emotions right out of proportion. She only had to look at her own  family for proof of that.

Alexis's mother had had a first, unhappy marriage, and when she'd run  away from it to marry for love, she'd been forced to leave her children  behind. Years later, when her daughter from that marriage sought her  out, Alexis's father had not reacted well. Her mother had been in the  hospital by then, physically and mentally frail from the disease racking  her body. Fear that seeing her long-lost daughter might upset her to  the point of worsening her condition had made Lorenzo go so far as to  enlist his business partner to actively steer her half sister, Tamsyn,  away from discovering where their mother was. When Ellen Fabrini had  died before Tamsyn could even see her again, Alexis had realized that  nothing mattered more in this world than family. Nothing.

Maybe that was part of why she was so determined to break through the  barriers with Raoul. To force him to learn to love again. To make him  see how precious his daughter was-what a truly wonderful tribute she was  to a marriage and a love that had sadly ended all too soon.

Unexpected tears sprang in her eyes. She blinked them furiously away.  Please don't let me become one of those overemotional wrecks with this  pregnancy, she silently begged. The last thing she needed was an  exceptional change in her behavior that might tip Raoul off before she  was ready to tell him her news.

An alarm on her phone chimed from the side pocket of her handbag,  reminding her it was time to collect Ruby. She was no nearer to knowing  what she needed to do about the baby she carried. Logically, there were  steps to be taken. She needed to make an appointment with a local  doctor, get her results confirmed, get checked out, etc. But, as to the  rest-telling Raoul? She had no idea where to begin and, as much as it  rankled to deliberately withhold the truth from him, she felt she had no  other option right now. No other option at all.