Wanting What She Can't Have(17)

It could only have been minutes later, but it felt much longer, when Raoul stirred and withdrew from her.

"Stay there," he said, his breathing still ragged.

She didn't even want to open her eyes, she was so filled with the  delicious lassitude that bound her in the aftermath. "I don't think I  could move if I wanted to," she admitted, a note of wonder in her voice.

A rusty sound, almost like a laugh, came from where Raoul was adjusting  himself back into his clothing. He left the room and she heard the  sound of running water from the small restroom off his office, then he  was back with a warm, damp towel in his hands. He wiped her carefully,  his touch sending off little shocks of sensation to remind her of what  they'd just shared.

"You don't have to do that, I can take care of it," she protested, pushing herself up onto her elbows.

"All done already," he answered, leaving the room again.

She slid off the desk and reached for her panties, pulling them up legs  that felt about as strong as overcooked spaghetti. But she felt  compelled to move fast, to be dressed before he came back into the room.

His face was impossible to read when he returned and Alexis mentally braced herself, uncertain of what would come next.

* * *

"We need to talk," Raoul started, and he saw her pale before him, her eyes widen.

"Wasn't that what we were doing...before?"                       
       
           



       

He made a movement with his hand, brushing aside her words. "We need to discuss us."

"Us? What about us? Do you want to stop...?"

Her voice trailed away as if she couldn't quite find the words to  define the exquisite pleasure they'd enjoyed together. But he had no  such difficulty. It was what it was. Just sex. Period. It could never be  anything else and she needed to know that.

"No. But I want to be clear going forward that it is only sex between  us, Alexis. It will never be, and can never be, anything more than that.  You want me to be alive. Fine, I'll be alive-with you-but it won't be  anything more than this. I want us to be sexual partners, no strings  attached. Can you accept that?"

He watched her carefully for her reaction. If she looked uncomfortable  about this in any way, if the idea made her unhappy because she wanted  more from a partner or because she secretly harbored feelings for him  that she thought might be reciprocated, he hoped it would show on her  expressive face. But for once she remained a closed book to him. A faint  nod of her head the only acknowledgment of what he'd just said.

"Are you certain, Alexis? Because if you can't, we stop now. I don't  want you to be under any illusion that we're going to fall in love and  have a future. I'm never going down that road again. I did it once and I  can't trust anyone that way again."

She caught her full lower lip between her teeth, the sheen in her eyes a  telltale giveaway. A shaft of fear sliced through him. She wanted more.  Of course she did. It was in her nature to love, to nurture. It was  only natural she'd want the same in return. She was the kind of person  who always put others first, the one others turned to when in need. But  he didn't want all of that from her-couldn't accept it, couldn't give it  to her in return.

"Can I have some time to think about it?"

"If you need time to think about it, you obviously have questions. If  you have questions, or doubts, then we should probably forget the whole  idea."

He could see her weighing his words. Before his eyes she changed. Her  eyes cleared and the expression on her face hardened. She drew herself  up to her full height and looked up at him. Then, to his surprise, she  gave a brief nod and spoke.

"Yes, I accept."

"Yes?"

He barely dared to hope she was giving him the answer he desperately wanted to hear.

"Yes, I'll be your..." she hesitated just a barest moment "...your sexual partner."

"No strings attached."

The clarification was important. Vitally so.

"Agreed, no strings attached."

"And you'll keep taking your pill. I don't want there to be any  mistakes. If you're not happy with that I'll take care of protection  myself."

Maybe he should be using condoms as well anyway. You could never be too safe.

"I'm still taking my pill. I don't plan to stop, so don't worry. Is that everything you wanted to discuss?"

Hell, no, it wasn't.

"Just one more thing."

"And what might that be?"

"Our sleeping arrangements. I can't stay in your room."

"That's okay, I can sleep just as well in your bed-if you want me there all night, that is."

Did he? Of course he did. The idea alone had him hardening again.

"I do," he admitted, his voice roughening with mounting anticipation and desire.

She drew in a breath and then slowly released it. "Is that all?"

He nodded, suddenly unable to speak.

"Fine, I'll go and collect Ruby, then."

He watched her through the window as she left the winery and walked up  the hill to the house, feeling as if something vital had changed between  them and not for the better. But he didn't doubt that he'd made the  right decision. He was just happy that she'd agreed. When he turned back  to his work he didn't stop to question how right it had felt to hold  her, or how desperately he needed to lose himself in her softness again.  And again. All he wanted to think about was that, from tonight, he  could.





Ten

No strings attached. God should have smote her for that lie. Her  agreement had come back to haunt her virtually every day these past  couple of weeks. There'd been strings attached to Raoul Benoit from the  moment she first laid eyes on him-the very day Bree had excitedly  introduced him as her fiancé. That instant attraction, that irresistible  tug of physical awareness that happened every single time she saw him,  only grew stronger.                       
       
           



       

He'd kick her out of here faster than she could imagine if he had any  idea of how she felt about him. How each day, each hour, each second  with him only made her love him more. She stayed with him every night.  Falling deep into sleep after they made love, sometimes waking in the  small hours to feel him reaching for her to make love all over again.

Last night, after he'd fallen asleep again, she'd committed a cardinal  sin. She'd given in, against all her promises to herself to the  contrary, and she'd whispered that she loved him. It had been a relief  to get it out in the open, even if only for her ears alone.

She shifted her attention back to what she was doing and poured another  jug of warm water over Ruby's head. Ruby squealed and splashed the  bathwater vigorously, dragging Alexis's thoughts firmly into the present  and her duties to her little charge. She laughed out loud at the  child's sheer pleasure in bath time.

Strings, yeah, there were strings all right. Not least of which being  the one that came from little Ruby and was now securely tied around  Alexis's heart, as well.

It was impossible to refuse either of them anything but falling deeper  in love with Raoul was starting to take a toll on her. Still, worrying  about it wasn't going to solve anything. She just had to do what she did  every day, and every night, and hope that the strength of her love  could mend what was broken at Raoul's core.

She dragged a warmed towel from the rail and laid it on the floor  before lifting a wriggling and squealing toddler from the bathwater. Now  that Ruby was more confident walking, it was getting to be more and  more of a challenge to keep her immobilized long enough to do simple  things like dry her off and dress her. Since the baby had found her feet  she'd been on the go all day every day. Of course, without the  perception to realize what was risky and what wasn't, there'd been a few  accidents-like the one at the coffee table in the main sitting room  last week-which had left a small bruise on Ruby's ivory forehead.

Raoul had immediately removed the table and Alexis had been surprised  when a local furniture maker had delivered a rounded edge oval one in  its stead. Even though Raoul tried not to care, it was obvious that he  did, in spite of himself.

She patted Ruby dry, blowing raspberries on her tummy to make her  giggle as she did so. As she righted herself, though, Alexis was  assailed by a wave of dizziness. She put out a hand onto the edge of the  bath to anchor herself. Ruby, not wasting a moment, rolled over and  onto her knees, then gained her feet and headed straight for the door to  the hallway as fast as she could go.

"Oh, no you don't, young lady!" Alexis called after the rapidly departing naked figure.

She shot to her feet, only to be hit by another dizzying wave. Black  spots swam before her eyes and a roaring sound filled her ears. From  what seemed like a great distance away, she heard Ruby's high-pitched  squeal of delight. She forced herself to take a step, and then another.  Her vision thankfully began to clear.