Waiting for You(66)
His mother spoke softly. “But you’re the one she wants. And you do have what she needs. It might be buried pretty deep, but you have it.”
His chest felt tight, his throat raw. “I don’t.”
“Jake…” His mother shook her head. “You’ve solved so many problems in your life. You’ve used your courage, your resourcefulness, your strength. But there are some problems that can only be solved by love.”
Everything in him went still. “Love doesn’t solve anything. I loved Megan. I loved Hope and Dan. My love didn’t help them. It didn’t save them.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. Your love will always be with them…and theirs with you. Love is the only thing we take with us, and the only thing we leave behind. You can’t force it. You can’t deserve it. You can only give it…and accept it.”
There was a piercing pain in his chest, like something inside him was splitting open.
He pressed his knuckles against his breastbone. “I can’t.”
“Jake, you’re the bravest man I’ve ever known. This just takes a different kind of courage.” She put her hand on his arm again, and this time he didn’t shake her off. “It’s hard to love. It’s hard to hope. We’re fools for even trying, if you think about it. Considering all the suffering we face in this world, despair makes a lot more sense.”
She shook her head. “And yet, somehow, we don’t give up. Even when logic tells us we should…we don’t.” She smiled suddenly. “It’s the one trait we have in common, those of us who choose to love. It makes no sense but we do it anyway. And we never pay attention to the odds.”
She squeezed his arm. “The good news is, you’re not in this alone. You and Erin will figure it out together.”
He remembered the night of Allison’s wedding. The night he’d held Erin on the dance floor, and hadn’t wanted to let her go.
He felt that way every time she was in his arms.
He remembered talking to her in O’Malley’s, telling her things he’d never told anyone. He remembered the day she’d shoved him into a cold shower. And he remembered the look in her eyes when they made love.
That first day in Mitch’s office he’d wanted to walk out a hundred times. But he’d thought of Erin, and he’d stayed. He remembered his trip back from Texas, how Erin’s face had guided him home like the North Star.
Steady, constant, a light in the darkness.
She was stubborn enough to love. She was even stubborn enough to love him, and to refuse to settle for anything less than love in return.
He grabbed his mother’s hand. “I have to go back in there. And you have to go to my apartment and get something for me.”
“Ms. Shaw, you need to lie still.”
She struggled to sit up on the operating table while one of the nurses tried to push her back down. “Where’s Jake? Please, you have to find him.”
“I’m sure he’ll be in soon,” the woman said soothingly. “But in the meantime, you have to—”
And then he was there, by her side, taking her hand and pressing a kiss to her forehead.
She was so glad to see him she started to cry. “They didn’t tell me where you were. I was so scared you wouldn’t be here in time. You have to stay with the baby when she’s born, because they’ll be sewing me back up and I won’t be able to hold her right away. You have to stay with her every second and talk to her so she can hear your voice and…”
She took a deep breath. There was something she had to say to him. “I should have told you this before, but…Jake, I need you. I can’t do this alone. The parenting thing. I can’t do it without you.”
He kissed her on the forehead again, and then on the lips, and something in his kiss made her go still.
“I can’t do this alone, either. Not just the parenting thing. The life thing.”
She stared at him. “What are you talking about?”
He framed her face with his hands. “You’re my heart. You’re my soul. I need you, Erin. I need you so much.”
Maybe the anesthesia was making her hallucinate. Or maybe he was the one hallucinating. “Did they give you a tranquilizer or something?”
He smiled at her. “Erin, I love you. I’m so crazy about you it hurts.” He lifted her hand and set it against his heart. “I want to spend the rest of my life showing you how much.”
Erin’s doctor peered at them over the blue drape hiding her lower body from view. “I hate to interrupt this romantic moment, but we’re about to begin the procedure. Are you two ready to have a baby?”