Waiting for You(50)
He shook his head, obviously not understanding. “But you’re carrying my child. It doesn’t matter how I feel. I have a responsibility. A duty.” His eyes went to her stomach. “To both of you.”
The knife twisted. “You don’t have to feel responsible for us. I want you to know…” She cleared her throat. This part, at least, she had ready. “I want you to know that I’m fully prepared to raise this child alone. I don’t want you to feel obligated to support us financially, or to do anything you don’t want to. You don’t have to give up your freedom. I don’t want—”
“Stop.” His words cut through her prepared statement like a whip, and she stared at him with her mouth open.
He looked like he was the one who’d gotten a knife in the gut. “It sounds like you don’t want me to be any part of this. You …” He shook his head slowly. “You must think I’m going to make a pretty lousy father.”
Her heart spasmed in her chest. “I think…” Her voice wobbled, and she swallowed past the lump in her throat. “I think you’ll be an amazing father. But I didn’t think you’d want to be one. I mean, at this point in your life. You didn’t…you didn’t exactly ask for this.”
His expression softened a little. “Neither did you.”
She shook her head. “No. But if this hadn’t happened…I mean…” She stopped. “Look, Jake. You haven’t called me once in the last four months. It’s not like I’m a factor in your life, or anything. You moved on, and I didn’t want you to feel like you were being…dragged back here.”
He cocked his head to the side. “So this is your way of punishing me? Because I didn’t call?”
Everything she said came out wrong. “No! I just…”
She scrubbed her hands over her face, suddenly exhausted. After a moment Jake spoke more quietly. “I’m sorry. Maybe we should call it a night. I’ve been riding all day and you look—” He paused, and then reached out to touch the side of her face. “You look tired. I’m sorry, Erin. I’ve been standing here yelling at you, keeping you out here in the cold—”
“You didn’t yell.”
For the first time, he smiled. “Maybe not technically.” His thumb moved softly over her cheekbone, and the gesture was so gentle she closed her eyes.
The last time she’d experienced physical tenderness was the night she and Jake had made love. A sudden emptiness swept through her, almost making her cry. She’d gotten used to him being away. To being alone.
She didn’t dare let herself crave contact with him. She took a step back, and he let his hand drop.
“When’s the last time you had a doctor’s appointment?”
“On Monday. The baby and I are both doing fine.”
He nodded. “Good. So…I’ll come by in the morning, if that’s all right. We’ve got a lot to talk about. What’s too early?”
She shrugged. “I’m usually up by seven. You can come by anytime after eight.”
“I’ll see you then. Good night, Erin.”
As she watched him walk away towards his motorcycle with his familiar long, loose-limbed stride, she felt a pang of anxiety. Maybe she should have suggested they wait a day or two before seeing each other again. If she wanted to protect herself, she needed to keep the boundaries firm between them.
Because when it came to Jake Landry, she was never more than a step away from making a fool of herself.
A father. He was going to be a father.
It was after midnight, and Jake was lying in bed with his head pillowed on one bent arm, staring up at the ceiling.
He was going to be a father. He kept repeating the phrase over and over in his head, as if that would help him wrap his mind around the new reality.
Because everything was different now.
He remembered the day he’d enlisted in the Army. He’d known he was signing up for something bigger than he was—that it would never be just about him anymore. He hadn’t realized until now how much he missed that feeling.
The feeling of being needed.
Of course, the challenge would be convincing Erin that it was okay to need him. To rely on him. Hell, just to include him.
He winced every time he remembered the conversation on her porch. Sure, he’d had some excuse for being upset. He’d been completely blindsided, not to mention pissed that Erin had kept the truth from him for so long. But as he’d been riding home, back to the apartment he’d left empty for six months, he kept picturing Erin’s face and wishing he’d reacted differently.