Virgin(72)

Relieved, I pulled my pants on, just in case, and climbed back into bed. Jack spread his arm out so I could lie right next to him, resting my head on his chest. He squeezed my boob and I giggled, slapping him in feigned annoyance. He gave me a kiss and then we fell asleep. We spooned all night, our sweaty bodies sticking to each other. We were the couple I had always wanted to be a part of.





 I walked into university the next day feeling like I owned that campus. I put my headphones on but even my Girl Power playlist couldn’t live up to my mood. The sun was shining and I wasn’t a virgin anymore. As I walked down Gower Street, it felt like everyone’s eyes were on me. The big scarlet V I’d been wearing emblazoned across my chest for twenty-one years was gone, and now I exuded sex appeal. My skin was practically alight and I was high on endorphins. It was better than heroin, probably. I bounced up the stone steps where Girls Aloud once did a chocolate commercial and plonked myself down in the very middle, gazing out onto the quad in front of me.

I’d spent the morning with Jack. We’d gone to the supermarket across the road and bought muesli because he couldn’t handle having a bowl of Coco Pops for breakfast. We bickered like a proper couple in the cereal aisle and even the angry shop owner tutted fondly at the image of young love browsing his shelves. Jack made the teas while I poured the cereal into bowls and we slurped up our breakfast whilst lying in bed next to each other. He eventually went off to work and I showered and got myself ready, casually sauntering into university for my twelve o’clock lecture, having missed my nine a.m. one.

I sat on the steps watching the world go by, wondering if anyone else out there could possibly be as happy as I was.

I closed my eyes and let the brisk May sun warm my skin. It was still cold so I was wrapped up in my leather jacket with a scarf I’d hand-knitted. I was cocooned and warm in my chrysalis. I was a newborn butterfly.

“Guess who?” trilled a high-pitched voice as a pair of cold, clammy hands covered my eyes.

“Emma, get off!” I shrieked. “You scared me half to death.”

She laughed. “Well, you shouldn’t sit here like a total creep with your eyes closed. What were you doing, babe? You looked like you were praying . . .”

I swatted her shoulder. “Obviously I wasn’t praying. I was just, I don’t know, feeling grateful, and warm, and happy and in love . . .”

She stared at me.

“In love with the world,” I clarified.

Her forehead creased and she looked at me dubiously through her huge tortoiseshell Jackie O shades. “Um. What’s wrong with you?”

I looked at her and beamed. “Nothing.”

Her mouth dropped open and she shrieked, “OH MY GOD, you did it, didn’t you?! You’re not a virgin anymore!”

“Please, tell the whole campus.”

“Oh, sorry,” she said, lowering her voice but throwing her arms around me. “This is just such a huge moment and I’m so happy for you! How was it?”

She sat on the steps with me and I sighed blissfully. “Emma, it was amazing. Not the actual sex—that was a bit uncomfortable but obviously it will get better with time. But the whole not being a virgin thing. I feel so free and normal, like now I can be in a conversation with anyone and not have this flashing V over my head that I’m constantly trying to hide.”

She smiled at me, nudging me with her elbow. “This is so good, El. It’s just . . . nice to see you really happy in yourself.”

Hadn’t I always been happy in myself? I was happy as a virgin, and I was happy now. I was just a bit happier. I smiled back at her. “Thanks, Em. So, how’s Sergio?”

Her cheeks flushed and she pushed her sunglasses down her nose so she could peer over the rims. “So, last night Sergio told me he isn’t seeing anyone else . . . and would like me not to see anyone, as well . . .”

“Oh. My. God,” I said, putting down my Coke can so heavily the froth spilled over the edge. “Are you and him exclusive?”

“Um, maybe.” She blushed.

“Are you . . . in a relationship?” I asked.

She sighed dramatically and took the sunglasses off. “I can’t believe you asked me that, Ellie. You know I don’t do relationships,” she said, practically spitting out the word. “I’m just seeing him exclusively. We’re hanging out. For a while. If and when I get bored, I’ll hang out with some more people. I’m just temporarily hanging out à deux.”

I stared in silence. Emma had a boyfriend. “Oh, Emma, this is amazing! I’m so happy for you!” I finally said. Except why did I have a heavy, sinking feeling inside me?