Virgin(53)

Masturbatory guilt is just another issue our darling parents can pass down to us, ensuring maximum angst and minimum self-belief. Telling a vulnerable young person that they can’t do what feels natural is pure dictatorship and we reckon it probably goes against the European Convention of Human Rights. Exploring your own body is always healthy—no matter how much anyone tells you it’s “dirty,” “wrong” or even a “sin.”

We’re sure that Jesus/whoever didn’t actually say masturbation was bad, so anyone who interprets it like that is plain wrong. It’s healthy and if boys discuss wanking all the time, girls should too. EK has finally let go of her mum’s bullshit and has even invested in a sex toy (the beginner’s vibrator, aka a bullet). Her only advice? Don’t stick it into your vagina. Not up the hole. Just . . . don’t.





 On Friday I unpacked the last of my bags and collapsed happily onto my bed. I always forgot how much I loved living alone until I spent a few days with my mum. I normally got the bus to Lara’s house the second I got back to Guildford, but obviously that hadn’t been an option this Easter.

I missed Lara. It had been weeks since our fight, and we’d never been out of touch for so long. The more time that passed, the weirder it got, but I couldn’t bring myself to break the silence. Whatever. Today was the day before my big date with Jack and I had a lot to prepare for. Especially as my period had just arrived, so the V on my calendar was going to have to move back a week.

Positive note? My knickers wouldn’t be coming off so I wouldn’t have to tweeze the waxed VJ.

Negative note? If any sexual action was going to happen, it was going to have to be the dreaded second and third bases—which meant I had to learn the BJ and HJ techniques. Today.

I sat on my bed with a notebook and pen. I was going to take this very seriously and I would succeed in overcoming my BJ fears. I started looking for porn sites. I had no idea where to start—the last thing I wanted to do was find low-quality trash that would give my computer a virus. My mother would kill me if I got a virus on my laptop, let alone a porn-induced one.

I vaguely remembered one of the boys in my halls talking about RedTube, which was like YouTube but dirty. If it was mainstream and well known, hopefully it wouldn’t rot my laptop’s hard drive.

There were dozens of categories and I had no idea where to start. I picked up M&M’s from a packet next to me and chewed as I scrolled down. Eventually I decided on “college girls.” It was better than the “underage” stuff and didn’t seem as hard-core as “threesomes.” Besides, I was a college girl so I could probably relate to them.

The first video showed a girl in a Britney Spears–esque school uniform. She was wearing knee-high socks with a gray skirt that was so short she definitely would have gotten detention in my school. The striking ensemble was paired with a white shirt tied just under her bra. She looked like every middle-aged pervert’s dream. The video started with her flirting with her math teacher, who had asked her to stay behind to look at her grades. She twirled her hair around her fingers against a backdrop of music that sounded like the Austin Powers theme on crack.

So far this was verging on the “underage girls” category, and I was far from impressed. Then, out of nowhere, she was on her knees and undoing the teacher’s trousers. I looked up eagerly—on my first video I had hit the jackpot and she was about to give the math teacher exactly what I wanted to give Jack.

I grabbed my pen and held it above the pad, poised to translate any of Britney’s tricks onto paper for my future reference. She pulled his trousers down and suddenly his penis was staring straight out at me from the screen. I had seen few penises in real life, but this one was incredibly large. The fact that it was fully shaved just emphasized how big it was. Britney didn’t seem fazed; she just giggled in delight—that was not going on my tips sheet because she looked ridiculous—and immediately put the whole thing in her mouth. Teacher groaned in delight and she started licking the tip of it.

I wrote down: 1) Lick it like an ice pop and then looked up, waiting for more pearls of wisdom.

She started putting the whole thing in her mouth and moving her head up and down. I groaned in frustration. This was the main bit of a BJ—the moving up and down thing—but I couldn’t see what she was doing inside her mouth. I was doomed to eternal failure. Any idiot could move their head up and down with a penis inside their mouth, but it was only an experienced head-giver who knew what to do with their mouth. Did I curl my lips over my teeth to stop any collateral damage? And what the hell was the tongue doing inside?