Tell Me It's Real(140)

Wait. Don’t answer that.

Let’s wrap this bitch up, shall we?





“SOMEONE obviously is going to ruin the surprise,” I moaned, staring down from the balcony at the group of people amassed below at the gay bar. “I don’t know why I thought I could pull this off.”

“No offense to your man,” Helena said, fixing her wig in her mirror, “but one does not think of the world’s greatest detective when thinking of Vince. He’s lucky he’s pretty.”

“Don’t be jealous,” I snapped at her. “Just because you haven’t worked up the nerve to admit you want to bone Darren doesn’t mean you can take it out on the rest of us.”

“Girl’s got claws,” Daddy Charlie said with a rumble. “He’s been dating Vince for six months and you’d think he was the fiercest bitch to walk the face of the earth.”

Helena rolled her perfectly blushed eyes. “Tell me about it, Charlie. Hard-core, confident Paul is definitely a sight to behold. And I don’t want to bone Darren. I’ve told you that like sixteen thousand times!”

“You are such a liar and a fat mouth,” I said. “The only reason two people snipe at each other as much as you two do is when they want to be inside each other. For days.”

“Or we could just hate each other. That could be a reason.”

“I don’t believe you in the slightest. No one in the world has that much unresolved sexual tension. Trust me, one day, you’re going to come crying to me about how much you lurve him, and I will make fun of you forever.” And I would. Forever. Vince and I kept devising ways for them to be alone together, and each time, it would start out okay, but then by the end, they’d be at each other’s throat. Vince thought it was because they were in love already. He was such a dopey romantic sometimes. He thought that just because he loved me at first sight (which still made me feel all fuzzy inside like I was being eaten from the inside out by rabid teddy bears that pooped rainbows; it’s really quite disgusting how awesome I thought that was) that everyone else in the free world should do the same. I tried to explain to him that it didn’t quite work that way, but this discussion happened two months after we met, when we were moving him into my house. It was hard to argue against love at first sight when I was carrying his crap into my house.

“That’s not going to happen,” Helena said. “Besides, he couldn’t handle Helena. And if you love me, you love both parts of me.”

“How Sybil of you,” Daddy said. “And I’m with Paul on this one. You go out of your way to snipe at him. That obviously means something.”

She glared at both of us. “Just that I’m a sniper,” she said. “Full-on, Grade A sniper. And besides, we weren’t talking about me, remember? We’re talking about how Vince probably already knows all about the surprise birthday party that Paul worked so hard to put together, which is now probably just ruined completely and everyone will hate him and be bored and talk about for years to come how awful of a time they had.”

“You scandalous bitch!” I hissed at her. “You told him, didn’t you!”

She smirked at me. “You’ll never know.”

“I think you will,” Daddy said. “Vince isn’t the world’s greatest actor. If he knows, he’ll probably say something like, ‘Oh, gosh, now this is a surprise! I sure didn’t know this was going to happen, no, I didn’t!’”

“Better than a cheese dice,” Helena muttered, straightening her falsies.

“I was a theatrical treasure!” I shouted at her.

“That is the gayest thing I’ve ever heard you say, boy,” Daddy said. “And Vince told me about what you like to scream when you ride him reverse cowgirl.”

“He did what?” I was going to murder him after wishing him a happy birthday and telling him I loved him and giving him the present that I was way fucking nervous about.

Helena’s phone chimed and she looked down. “Dare said they’re on their way here,” she said. “They should be here in ten minutes.”

I couldn’t resist. “Since when do you have Darren’s phone number? And since when did you start calling him Dare? Is that what you say to him? ‘Oh, hey, Dare. I dare you to sit on my face and do sexy-time stuff with my butthole.’ Or, you know, whatever else you would say to him.”

“I will break you in half,” she promised me darkly. “And I didn’t say Dare. You just heard me wrong.”

“No, he didn’t,” Daddy Charlie said.