“Even if Paul couldn’t get around to it,” Helena growled at him, “I will put you in a home, Charlie.”
I reached over and wrapped my arms around the old guy. “Don’t you worry, Daddy. I’ll protect you from the big, bad queen.”
He kissed my forehead. “Thank you, boy. It’s nice to know at least someone appreciates me.”
“I’m going to tell Vince you’re kissing and cuddling with another man,” Helena said.
“You do, and I’ll tell Darren about the sex dream you had about him,” I said back. “I would think he’d find it very interesting how you apparently liked it when he mounted you in the middle of a Sears electronics department while it was shown on a wall of TVs in front of you. Which, by the way, I don’t know what that says about your psyche. I mean, Sears? Really? That’s, like, one step up from Walmart. I feel sorry for you just thinking about it. It’s like your dreams are broken and are dying slow and painful deaths.”
“I knew I shouldn’t have told you that,” she grumbled. “What else doesn’t Vince know about you that’s embarrassing so I can tell him? Does he know you really had a diary that you wrote about him in?”
“It was a journal!”
“It had Saved By The Bell stickers on it!”
“Hey,” Charlie said.
“That made it awesome.”
“That made it a diary.”
“Boys and girls,” Charlie said.
“I’ll tell Darren that you are in love with him and want to go out with him and that you borrowed my big black dildo and pretended it was him!”
“I’ll tell Vince that you really got hippo shit in your mouth that time you fell into the hippo exhibit, and you had to stay overnight in the hospital because they thought you’d get some kind of weird hippo disease in your mouth!”
“Hey!” Charlie said.
“I’ll tell Darren that you stare at the picture of him on your phone that you don’t think anyone knows that you have!”
“I’ll tell Vince what you bought him for his birthday before you give it to him, thereby ruining a magical surprise and depriving you of the look of wonder on his face!”
“Jesus Christ,” Charlie muttered.
I was slightly stricken. “Do you think he’ll like it?” I asked Helena quietly.
She came forward and gave me a sticky kiss on my cheek. “Oh, sugar. He’s going to adore it. How could you think otherwise?”
“It’s kinda dumb.”
“And expensive.”
“And crazy.”
“But still the greatest present ever.”
I looked up at my best friend. “You think so?”
“Baby doll, I know so.”
“Hey!” Charlie shouted.
“What?” Helena asked, annoyed. “You don’t have to shout.”
“We’re standing right here,” I reminded him.
“Your boys are about to walk in,” he said, rolling his eyes. “The bouncer just signaled they’re on their way up the sidewalk.”
“Oh sweat balls,” I groaned. I leaned over the balcony as the DJ cut the music. “Hey, shut up!” I bellowed down.
Everyone looked up at me: friends of mine, friends of Vince’s. Mom, Dad, and Nana waved up at me from where they’d cornered a Dom with his sub on a leash, obviously asking pointed questions about the bit in the sub’s mouth. They still believed I was a pony. I didn’t know what it would take to convince them otherwise, so I just let it go. It’s easier to neigh for Vince every once in a while in their presence than to explain that I don’t have a tail plug shoved up my ass when we’re at home.
“They’re about to walk in, so shut your faces! If any of you ruin this, I will scratch your motherfucking eyes out!”
People laughed up at me like I wasn’t completely serious. Assholes.
Helena went down the stairs quickly, pushing through the crowd as everyone quieted down around her. Once she took her place on the stage, everyone went silent and the lights went out, all except for little LED lights along the floors, illuminating the walkways. The barbacks had set up a little partition that blocked the main entryway from the dance floor so that Vince would not be able to see anyone as he went upstairs.
The DJ started up the music again to cover how quiet it was as the bouncer opened the main door. I stood near the top of the stairs, listening as they climbed, Vince and Darren talking about something that I couldn’t quite make out. My stomach was almost in my throat. My hands were sweating, and I felt like I was going to vomit. But vomiting was never sexy, and so I was able to choke it back down, which, now that I thought about, was even more unsexy.