Fear of Falling(86)

“Stop, Kami!” he called out.

I forced my legs to carry me to the door though my heart crumbled with every step. It was breaking, the new fractures disrupting its previously restored state. It was all my fault this time. I would have rather suffer alone than throw him into the thick of it.

I pulled the doorknob open, only to have Blaine slam it shut before I could escape.

“Dammit, Kami! Stop this shit! Will you stop trying to run from me all the time? It’s obvious that you came here to say something, so just say it. If you want to tell me how you feel, say it. If you want tell me I’m an asshole, say it. If you never want to see me again, then fucking say it! But I’m not just gonna make this easy for you. So if we’re done, you have to say the words.”

He pressed his front into my back, the heat of his anger seeping into my skin and causing sweat to break out all over my body. My breath caught at the feel of his hard body encapsulating mine.

“Blaine…I… I ca–,”

“Yes you can,” he gritted. “You came all the way here. Spit it out, so you can go back to not giving a shit about me, and I can start not giving a shit about you.”

I pushed against him and spun around, pinning him with my own angered glare. “What? You think I don’t give a shit about you? You think I came here because I don’t have feelings for you?”

“It’s obvious you don’t.”

I let out a frustrated huff, causing my nipples to brush his chest. “You don’t know a damn thing. It’s because I care that I’m even here. Do you think this was easy for me? Do you think this shit doesn’t kill me just to think about?”

Blaine took a step back and ran a hand through his wayward locks before stalking back into the room. “How am I supposed to know that, when you shut me out?” He looked back at me with enraged confusion. “Kami, I know nothing about you. All I see is this gorgeous girl who looks like she is carrying the weight of the world on her back. And every time I try to help shoulder that burden, every time I get too close, you try to run. So please… help me understand what I’m missing. Because I’m tired of trying to figure this shit out on my own.”

With my hands wrung tight in front of me, I stepped back into the living room. “You don’t know what you’re asking for, Blaine. You don’t want this.”

“Don’t tell me what I don’t want just to get out of talking. What are you so afraid of?”

Every tortured emotion that had been bottled up for the past month came rushing to the surface, bursting out of me like a violent volcano.

“Everything!” I screamed, tears streaming down my hot cheeks. “Everything! I am fucking afraid of everything, Blaine! Don’t you see that? Don’t you see why you shouldn’t be with me? I am twenty-three years old, and I’m scared of the dark! Or how about this—I can’t even close the fucking bathroom door. Do you realize how embarrassing that is? And let’s not forget about the best part…how I can’t even step foot into a body of water. That’s what you want to hear, right? You want to fix the broken girl. You want to make me a little pet project so you can feel better about yourself. Well, newsflash… I can’t be fixed. This is me. I’ll never be what you want, Blaine.”

Blaine was stunned into silence for long moments before he took a step towards me, his expression unreadable. “Why?”

Huh? What was he asking me? I glared at him through wet lashes and smeared mascara.

“Why?” he repeated.

“Why?” I snorted turning away from him. “Life happens. This is life, Blaine. And I don’t care what you say. That shit isn’t always beautiful. It’s ugly. And hurtful. And abusive.” I tried to wipe my leaking eyes, but the dam had broken. I couldn’t stop. If he wanted to know me, then he would. He would see the loathing that festered inside me. And when he realized just how scarred I was, he’d do what any sane man would do. He’d walk away.

“Life is cruel and evil, Blaine. There’s nothing pretty about being beaten repeatedly for no apparent reason other than existing. There’s no joy in being locked in a closet in the dark for hours on end while being taunted. There’s no happiness in being called every vile name you could imagine before you’re too young to even know what they mean.” My voice broke, quieting my tirade into a hoarse whisper. “There’s no beauty in being tortured and hated by the one man that was supposed to love you the most.”

He was in front of me before I could collect my bearings, brushing away my tears with the pads of his thumbs. “Your father did this to you?” he whispered.