Fear of Falling(102)

“Does it make you feel less guilty about not saving your mother?”

Blaine glared at me through the narrow slits of his eyes, and his jaw ticked with irritation. Good. He should be mad. He should be utterly disgusted with me. Hate me even. At that moment, I surely did. Maybe he’d even loathe me enough to get out now. To leave and never look back.

No. Please, don’t go. Don’t leave me.

“I know what you’re doing,” Blaine gritted, interrupting my contradicting inner monologue. “I know you’re just trying to say anything to push me away. Well, it’s not going to work, Kam.”

“You don’t know anything,” I snarled, though my heart totally agreed with him.

“Oh, I think I do, Kam. I know you’re afraid of this. I know you think that you’re too messed up for someone to love you. You think that I’ll hurt you. That I’ll end up being just like your dad. I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong on all accounts. You’re wrong and I plan to spend every day proving that to you.”

I pushed against his chest but it was hard as stone and just as immovable. “You don’t know anything! I don’t think any of those things.”

Blaine raised a brow, a smug half-smile on his lips. “Really?” He looked down at my hands still on his chest. I hadn’t even realized I was still touching him and I quickly pulled them back and balled them at my sides.

“Kam, why are you so afraid of love? Do you really think I would do something to hurt you? I’m not him. You have to know that by now. I’m. Not. Him.”

My mouth went dry, making it impossible to form a response as I looked up into his intense brown eyes. Eyes that shone with warmth and understanding. Eyes that exuded patience and gentleness. And love. Eyes that made me believe that, without a shadow of a doubt, the scary-beautiful man in front of me loved me.

I tried to blink the image away. Gazing into those chocolate depths only made it hurt more. It only made the jagged pill of the inevitable that much harder to swallow.

Blaine cupped my cheeks, forcing my eyes back to his face. He wouldn’t let me hide. He wouldn’t let me find solace in denial and avoidance. He made me face my fear head on, and I wanted to hate him for that.

“I love you, Kami. And I’m going to keep saying that until it stops being scary. Until you accept it. Until you believe me when I tell you that I will never, ever hurt you. I. Love. You.”

His thumb brushed along my bottom lip as he searched my face, his brows furrowed and eyes glassy. “The only one that should be afraid is me,” he whispered. There was pain there. Pain and fear and vulnerability. The same things I felt at that very moment.

I didn’t know what was stronger—the guilt of knowing that I was hurting him, or the fear that made me continue the charade. But, I knew one thing for certain: Blaine was too good for me. He deserved so much more than what I could give him. There was no way he could be happy with my pseudo heart. Eventually, he would see that for himself. He would need more. I just had to make him realize that before it was too late.

“Don’t. Please. Please don’t love me.”

He frowned. “Why not?”

“Because…”

“Because what?”

“Just…because.”

Blaine let out an exasperated breath and shook his head.

That’s right. Get frustrated. Get upset. Tell me I’m stupid and petty. Tell me that I don’t deserve your love. That I’m a lost cause. That I’m unlovable, just like I knew all along.

“You’re gonna have to do better than that, Kam.”

Desperation turned to irrational rage, and I shrugged out of his touch, pushing him away. “Because! Because I don’t fucking want it! Because I don’t need it. So just stop, ok?”

I turned on my heel and tried to escape to the refuge of my bedroom. I needed to get away, but of course, Blaine was right behind me, utterly perfect with the patience of freakin’ Job. I wanted to scream until my lungs collapsed.

“You don’t mean that,” he retorted shaking his head. “Everybody needs love, including you. Especially you. And I know you want it. You’re just too afraid to admit it.”

My balled fists shook at my sides as fury misted my eyes. “I’m not afraid of love, Blaine. I loathe it. Love is cruel and unforgiving. It beats you. Tortures you. Smashes your face into a mirror and tells you that you’re disgusting and ugly. That no one else will want you. Love whips you with a belt until giant, red welts are left on every inch of your body, leaving you too sore to even sit for days.”

Hot tears streamed down my face, leaving me blind to Blaine’s reaction. It was too late to stop them. He had opened the floodgates.