Uncle Mick spotted me and furrowed his brow, not expecting to see me in on my day off, especially alone. I pretended not to notice him but I knew he was already making his way towards me.
“Didn’t expect to see you here tonight, son,” he said gruffly, clapping me on the back. “Everything ok?”
I took a swig of my beer, not even bothering to face him to answer. “Fine.”
Maybe it was the flat, dead tone of my voice that served as an invitation, because the next thing I knew, he was climbing onto the stool next to me. I kept right on staring at nothing. Thinking of nothing. Feeling like nothing.
Minutes ticked by without either one of us saying a word. I was used to it. Silence I could deal with. It blanketed the words I didn’t want to say. It numbed the ache that seemed to radiate from my chest like a gaping bullet wound.
“You always did feel more than anybody else,” he said out of the blue, his voice rough and permanently hoarse from decades of smoking. “Couldn’t help taking on everyone’s pain like it was your own. Would even bring home old, banged up strays when you were just a youngster. Your mama used to say you were empathetic. Said you had a heart bigger than your brain.”
I continued to sip my beer, trying to block out my uncle’s mindless ramblings. What was his point? Did it look like I was in the mood to take a walk down memory lane?
I knew coming here was a bad idea. There was no way I could sit undisturbed to wallow in my misery, but I only had two other options: Ms. Patty’s or my place. Ms. Patty’s was out of the question. She would no doubt expect me to spill my guts and wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Going to my place first had been a huge mistake. It just didn’t feel like home anymore. Not without Kami there. She had ruined it for me. Every surface and corner was laced with a memory of her. Her warmth and light had given those bricks and wood life. Being without her, knowing that those four walls would never exude peace and happiness again, seriously had me thinking about moving.
Uncle Mick cleared his throat and scrubbed a hand over his face. “You’re a lot like she was. We used to fight like cats and dogs when we were kids. Hell, she was a scrappy little thing,” he laughed, his voice echoing with nostalgia. “But she had a heart of gold. Like you. She couldn’t help it and neither can you. Sometimes, loving people can be just as much of a gift as it is a curse. Because some people…you can’t help but love. Even when you know it will hurt you in the end.”
I couldn’t tell if he was talking about my mother, or me, or even himself. But I knew that every word was true. Some people you couldn’t help but love. You loved them without reservation or fear. You loved them hard and fierce, because they deserved it. They deserved to be loved just as much as you deserved for them to return it.
But life – love—didn’t work like that. It was rarely rational or just. It destroyed relationships and brought even the strongest people to their knees in agony.
It was exactly what Kami believed it to be.
“Is there a point to all this?” I snapped, suddenly annoyed by his presence. I still refused to look at him. Seeing him, a face that housed features similar to my mother’s, similar to mine, would only bring my tormented emotions to the surface. It would make me feel. I couldn’t have that. Not now. Not anymore.
“The point is, son… everyone has baggage, some more than others. Some people have a tote bag. Others have an entire trunk full of drama. You, Blaine, have a carry on. And that girl of yours has a full set of luggage. You know that as well as I do. And the type of person you are, the type of man that you have grown to be, you expect to be able to shoulder all that baggage alone. You can’t; that’s not your job. You can’t take away all her problems. No matter how bad you want to, you can’t carry it all and expect for that heavy burden not to crush you under its weight.”
I felt his hand on my shoulder. “Stop trying to carry it all alone. Taking it away doesn’t make it any less hers. It just weighs you down, son. You’re only one person. One man. You can’t expect to save someone that doesn’t want to be saved.”
I swallowed down my next gulp of beer through the tightness in my throat but the foul taste of rejection remained. I knew my uncle was right. Hell, he usually was. But I wasn’t ready to hear that. I wasn’t ready to accept that Kami just didn’t want me.
She didn’t want me to save her. She didn’t even believe she was worth saving.
The booming sounds of my cousin’s boisterous laughter flooded my ears, drawing my attention from the harshness of truth. I hated to admit it, but his presence was welcomed. CJ was a distraction. And right now, I needed that the most.