Fear of Falling(101)

You could cover shit with roses; you could hide all the vileness and make it seem beautiful and good. But no matter how badly you wanted to mask it, underneath it all, it was still shit. Putrid, disgusting shit.

“Blaine…” I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. What do you say to the man you know you have to destroy?

A finger slid under my chin and gently guided my face to his. “Kam, I just told you that I think I love you, and it scares you, doesn’t it?”

“No,” I lied. I wasn’t even sure if any sound came out.

“Well…I’m sorry. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have said that.”

Huh?

Reflexively, I frowned, though I should have been relieved. Blaine said he was wrong. He really didn’t feel that way. That fact should have erased my unease, but all I felt was a hollow, endless ache in my chest.

“I was wrong, Kami,” he continued, taking in my expression. “I don’t think I love you.”

The empty ache spread into the pit of my stomach, twisting like the knife in my crumbling heart.

Blaine pulled me into his lap, and though his words were ripping me to shreds, I let him. I was too weak from the assault to stop him.

“I don’t think it; I know it,” he murmured into my hair, his warm breath fanning down my neck. “I love you, Kami.”

Again, I waited for the relief that I was sure to come. Blaine loved me. Loved. Me. But the knife kept twisting. The pain kept spreading. Sorrow blanketed the joy that I should have felt when he uttered those words. I was so unbelievably conflicted about my feelings, and I didn’t know why.

Yes I did. I knew exactly why.

Fear #2.

Falling in love.

The only thing that terrified me more than falling in love, and the very reason I was so afraid of that magnitude of affection?

Fear #1.

My father.

“No,” I said in a hoarse whisper. It was my voice, but it sounded strangled. As if it hurt just to say the word. “No.”

“No?”

Against my better judgment, I turned around to face him. Maybe I was a sadist. Maybe I needed to see the pain that I would undoubtedly cause.

“You can’t love me, Blaine.”

“Why not?” he frowned.

“Because I told you; I’m unlovable. I don’t do love. I’m incapable of accepting or returning it.”

He shook his head. “You don’t mean that.”

“And why’s that?”

He grasped my shoulders, pegging me with his unforgiving glare. “Because I know you love me.”

I jumped out of his lap and was across the dining room before he could blink.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I sneered.

Blaine climbed to his feet and crossed the room to face me in four wide strides. “Yeah, I do. We both know it. You love me, Kami. And dammit, I love you too. More than anything.”

Angry tears pricked the back of my eyelids. “No.”

“Yes. And it’s ok. You know I could never hurt you. You don’t have to be afraid.”

Blaine went to grab my hands but I quickly pulled them out of reach. “That’s ridiculous. I hardly know you. And with what you do know about me…how could you feel that way?”

“You know me, Kami, better than anyone else. And yeah, I get that you’re dealing with a lot of shit. And honestly, that makes me love you even more. It makes me want to take away all the pain and ugliness so you never have to feel that way again.”

I pursed my lips and placed a hand on my hip. “So that’s it; you pity me. Well, newsflash, Blaine: You can’t fix me. You can’t save me. So just stop trying.”

“I don’t pity you, Kam,” he replied shaking his head, taking a step towards me.

“Then…why?”

“Why?”

He took another step forward, causing me to back into the wall. Rational thought abandoned me, as I went into defense-mode like a wounded, frightened animal, cornered by its predator. A predator that was fashioned to be beautiful and alluring, deeming its prey susceptible to its charms.

“Why even deal with all my bullshit?” I said, squaring my shoulders, preparing for the emotional battle. “What is it, Blaine? Does it make you feel good about yourself? Does it validate your manliness to save the broken girl? Or do you just get off on going after the damaged ones?”

I sucked in my bottom lip before I went for his jugular. I wanted to stop myself. I wanted to fall into his arms and tell him I loved him too, and let him kiss away the hurt. But, we fear what we don’t understand, and I didn’t understand the feelings I had for Blaine. I couldn’t fully grasp that depth of devotion and trust. I had never had it before and experiencing it now…scared the living shit out of me.